Flying Solo

There comes moments in a single woman's life where she is stuck in such a quandry. Such as being locked out of one's room. I thought I didn't have the key to this lock until later on when the locksmith unlocked the door and I found another set of keys to the apartment containing the needed key to my room lock.

For some odd reason, I found myself calling Joe. He was trying to think of ways to pick open my lock over the phone but no success. I called my landlord Kevin first but he was no help because he only has apartment keys, not individual room keys and plus he was out of town. So much for that. After hanging up with Joe and prepping my nightly cup of tea, something hit me. It's the vulnerable lonliness where she's just by herself. Sure she may have her friends to help her out in this but not having the closeness of family or even a significant other be there in your moment of need. It's not the greatest feeling in the world.

I was fortunate to have someone there when I had both my bike crashes. But there is that moment right now where I'm trying to hold back tears.

As independent as I can be at times, there are moments when I just want to sit and rest myself on something stong and stable.

Standing Still

Sometimes the best movement in your life is just standing still.

I'm not really the type of person to stand still in one place and just let everything fall. I'm more of the opposite- I want things to happen. Sometimes, that might be counter to what I have to do which is what I am finding these days.

Like for example, I find myself very unhappy where I am at Banana Republic but right now, the best strategy is standing still as I plow through the LSAT which is next week. I think I'm pretty much prepared for it.

Same goes for things with Joe. Lately, we haven't talked that much but in the times that we do, I find that the old feelings of frustration and angst are pretty much melted away. Mostly because it's the time I've taken out to really think through things. Realizing that we got into a relationship too soon for us to handle. I still do love him. However, there is that part of me that knows that it's not really the time and place for us to be back together. As much as there is part of me that still wants to get back together, it is one of those moments where I cannot push for anything in particular but to just let things fall into place as I sit still.

The "Awwww..." Factor

Not to be sarcastic or something along those lines but Joe pretty much did it again.

"Did what?" you might ask.

Well, he happened to pull one of those things that just just somehow amazes me and just leaves me gaping with my mouth open and going "Awwww..."

I had to drop off something for him this weekend. A few times last week, I've left him messages that I'm trying to find some time to drop off this particular item that I have somewhat neglected to do earlier last week. Not getting any repsonse on when was a good time, I just went over to his place Sunday afternoon before meeting with Oak for dinner and a movie. Rang his apartment buzzer several times and no luck. No one home. Somewhat fuming, I caught a cab so that I could meet Oak in time for his goodbye dinner and movie date (he's flying back to Thailand on Tuesday).

After watching The Last Samurai and both of us giving our goodbye hugs, I headed over to Joe's apartment again, hoping to catch up with him. He wasn't home but luckily his roommate Jim was able to get the item from me and give it to Joe.

I come home from work, rushing to change from work clothes to gym clothes and saw that Joe left a message. I call him back as I am changing clothes and we talk for a bit. He ended us saying something like, "All I want from you is just to do well on the LSAT (which is creeping around the corner for me)." He went on to explain that he wanted me to really focus on studying and not distracting me with such. All of a sudden, my anger towards him not being responsive and evasive just melted. It made me happy as I went on to PiYo tonight and ended up almost gorging on low fat mashed potatoes I made and glazed pork tenderloin. I guess it was the happiness that caused me to binge. I'm slowly working on better eating habits.

Funny how when I got home on Sunday night after dropping off the item at Joe's, I was totally ready to just give up on the idea of us just even being friends and such. Then as I got ready for work on Monday, I toyed with the idea that maybe we could be just friends. I guess talking to Joe for a bit just made that idea closer to reality that ever.

Now doesn't that make you go, "Awwww..."

A Doll's House

Last night, I went to see the American Conservatory Theatre's production of Henrik Ibsen's play A Doll's House. Even though Ibsen wrote this play back in the late 1870s, it still speaks to this time. The play focuses around Nora Helmer, a Noreigan housewife and mother of two who in the span of three days, realizes that she has been constricted by roles of duties of wife and mother throughout her 8 years of marriage to an attorney who recently became director of the bank of commerce. It shows how in some relationships, it's all fun and games where one or the other plays a role for the advancement or betterment of another person's life or for selfish reasons or becomes so constricted in the role and duties of that part of the relationship that they do forget to be true to themselves.

In a way, I wonder if during my time with Joe, I was slipping away and losing myself. I know deep down inside that there are certain things I need to get done and take care of. I'm finding myself totally reading this play which was introduced to me in my senior year of high school by Mrs. Kanjo, my Advanced Placement English literature teacher. I was always intrigued by this play and many other things she has taught us. She taught us how to appreciate modern art and introduced me to modern artists like David Hockney, Roy Lichtenstein and Jasper Johns. She also introduced us to classic Hollywood films like It Happened One Night and Adam's Rib. The later was my favorite where Katherine Hepburn plays an attorney defending a woman who shot her husband since he was cheating on her and Spencer Tracy plays the district attorney representing the husband. Oh the joy of those times. See, there were few things that Redlands High School did open my doors to.

Yes, I do like the time to myself but there are times and moments where you wish you could really share it with someone special. Maybe spring will bring in light and sunshine instead of winter emptyness. Maybe winter for me is that time to really get deep within myself and to really focus in what I need. Maybe that's why my relationship with Joe had to be sacraficed in order for me to really find out and get in touch with what I really want and really need.

Maybe.

Body Buddies

Lately, I've been working out quite a bit, really hitting on the cardio and the weight training and the yoga. I think mostly because I have a somewhat unhealthy amount of fat in my body but partially because these days, I've been trying to find something to somewhat fill the time.

After riding about a good 40 miles today on the bike, I can see why it's not advisable to do weights the night before. I can feel the tightness in my back and legs. This week was such a push anyways.

The thing that I've been musing about lately is children. Having children. I don't know if it is in the wake of my career angst or something like that but somehow the idea of having kids is sounding nice. Maybe someone should kick me or something like that to get myself back into reality or something. But someone asked me about my reasons for doing AIDS/ LifeCycle for the fourth year in a row and I said something about how I want my children or future children not to do this, hoping that this disease is long gone. Maybe I'm just going wierd or something.

Any explainations?

Finding Me

Lately I've mostly focused on the things I need to take care of- financial stuff, the LSAT, my angst on law school, exercise, job hunting, etc. It has been rather a great time for me to do this, maybe because I'm not expending on so much energy on my now defunct relationship with Joe.

Face it, it's pretty much history. As the days pass, I know more and more that I'm not capable of having a committed relationship with anyone. I think because I have so much to take care of and I believe that there is a certain point in my life where I feel both emotionally and financially capable to jump into the relationship. I really want it to be some partnership of equals and not have one person be dominant over the other. I don't want any resentments nor do I want the roles in the relationship be based on gender. I'm at a point right now where I do want to get my career on track and started, where I want to focus on personal projects such as travel and writing and further education. I'm not like most friends who have given the career track a whirl and are pretty much ready to settle into a new role such as marriage and family. These are still things I mull over quite a bit.

I don't feel like giving up any of my independence for now. I still relish it yet at times, like last Sunday, I want to share a part of my life. Yet right now, I have so much angst and anxiety to get things straightened out that I wonder what is going to occur next. I still want to find my political, activist self back if it ever does come back. I still want to be healthy and jocky, even if it means taking a break from marathon and multi-day charity bike rides for awhile (this year will be my last year for AIDS/ LifeCycle and maybe marathons for a while...the later I'm not too sure about giving up just yet). I find myself evolving to something I'm not quite to sure about.

Like for example, I still wonder when that Washington gal will come back in me. Maybe the era of me reading so many newspapers and analyzing news and information has long gone due to corporate mergers of media companies that make all the news bland and the same and right winged (and Republicans complain that the media is too liberal...bah!). I don't know if I have it in me to do any more activism stuff that will require a lot of weekends and evenings...shit I want a weekend...a time out for once!!! I'm starting to feel out the quality of my life now. The things that are personal to me. At times, I feel that my idealism and the fight for the things I believe in come in conflict and wondering how I can fight for those while at the same time, I don't lose too much in me where I burn out. Almost like a relationship.

Yet there is this conflict in me where at times I do want the satisfying career where I want to still put a dent of change in the world. Yet, there is that strong part of me that wants children, a family. Part of me is fascinated with the fact that well, my body has done a lot of physical activity- running, cycling, all I'm short is doing a triathalon and that will be later in my life...maybe after pregnancy. I wonder if my body is able to produce and carry on a life...from the ground up...from me and a loving partner to build and grow. A little being to impart my values, culture, traditions and my partner's as well. A little life to form. I fluctuate between the domestic and independent parts of me...the domestic to start a family...the independent to be my own person. Can that happen? Is that too late?

One...Uno...Isa...
No Matter What Language It Is, It's Still The Lonliest Number

"One is the lonliest number..." I think that was a Three Dog Night song a few years before my time. Usually I don't have such an issue eating by myself. I've done it on many occassions and it really hasn't bothered me. Until today.

After a rare morning meeting at work where I got the rest of the day off (despite begging from co-workers who wanted me to take their shifts...shit I wanted a real weekend for once!!!), I had a drink with a co-worker before we parted ways and headed off to North Beach.

There are several things in North Beach that I love to visit and enjoy. One happens to be Mass at St. Peter and St. Paul's cathedral. It's one beautiful church, old cathedral style construction and it sits on the north end of Washington Square Park where elderly Chinese folks practice tai chi in the mornings. My whistful wedding imagination just spun off and thought of a beautiful and San Francisco sunny day where me and my new partner in life aka husband would romp out on the steps as well wishers toss flower pedals and blow bubbles as we get into either a limo or a cool tandem bike to go around the block. Of course, get in the limo because I don't think peddaling uphill to the reception at one of the really nice hotels in Nob Hill would be great on the knees.

The other happens to be Mama's. Mama's is a little diner that serves breakfast and lunch and is famous for weekend brunch. Literally the lines go around the block for seating in this very small space. As I waited patiently and started getting a little antsy since I haven't eaten for quite awhile, I looked at the menu, mulling over what to eat. Then I gain entrance into the restaurant and then there's a line to the register to give your order. And then if all the seats are occupied, there is a wait. Literally all the patrons there were parts of pairs or groups. When I got a seat for a table for two, somehow the lonliness hit me like someone punched me in the stomach.

Somehow I am reminded of the Sundays that my ex Ron and I would spend together. Ron worked night shifts for the computer help desk for the City's police and fire departments but Sunday nights and Monday nights were his days off and Sundays were considered "our day". It was always some impromtu thing but it always involved brunch. I'm not sure if it was the nostalgia that hurt me the most or was it my somewhat rather freshly single status. Seeing couples talk and share the paper over French toast, Eggs Benedict, omlets and other foods just made me quite sad. There was one pivotal moment when I was biting into the last of my French toast combo when some old song "Without You" wafed through the restaurant. I swear, I was going to just burst into tears while the lyrics of "I can't live...if living is without you...I can't give...I can't give anymore..." reached my ears. The side of bacon was there but there was a part of me that could just imagine Joe and I trying to see who would get the last piece.

I want to say that being by myself for about a week and a half has given me a chance to really focus on what I need to do in my life. However, I remember last night I really couldn't sleep and I just missed Joe terribly. Or just missing someone to share something cool with you for the first time.

I did get a little consolation from going to City Lights Bookstore and finding the really cool City Lights Version of Jessica Hagedorn's "Danger and Beauty" with her commentary on September 11th which she happened to be in Manhattan producing the off-Broadway play version of her book, "Dogeaters".

It seemed like before I loved and craved my independence and do whatever I feel and like to do. However, there is still a part of me that wants to be part of a pair, a couple, tea for two. I'm doing my best not to let it get to me but sometimes, it just hurts.

Friends

This afternoon, I spent some quality time with Cin. Cin and I have been friends for about 8 years ever since our days in Washington, D.C. We were both members of a women's professional organization in D.C. which was how we met. It was funny that we were the only two Asians in that group (Cin is Taiwanese). Somehow, we've managed to become friends in D.C. and continue our friendship when I moved back to California in 1998 and Cin followed suit after finishing up business school in Georgetown in 1999. Cin is now enjoying her first year of married life. She and Kevin married last July.

As we both sipped tea and muched on tea sandwhiches and pastries for afternoon tea at the Palace Hotel, we caught up on each other's lives. Cin has known my best and even worst relationships. We've been rather close as friends and somehow manage to keep each other grounded. At times, I kind of wish I was Cin in terms of getting the career and marriage all together. Funny is that she wishes she could be the good gal that is always keeping fit and healthy and hip.

So far, Cin's the only one I've told my angst about the whole marriage and family thing. Right now, reading Peggy Orienstein's "Flux" has given me some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my angst. Even though I'm not too sure about law school and wondering where I will be working these days, all I know is that I still have my goals of applying this fall for law school and going ahead with my quest for law school and/ or some kind of graduate degree, something to ground myself and take off my career. Doing this all for me. At times I wonder if I have messed up things with Joe but I find myself putting that aside.

Then I caught up with Kevin who is back from vacation. He spent a lot of time with his family and working these days. Kevin is one of my other friends who keeps me going since he's pretty goal oriented like I am, looking to get into the one of the prestigious fashion design schools in Europe next fall. I caught him up on my life, telling him about what has happened between me and Joe and my angst and studying for the LSAT.

The only real conclusion is that maybe right now, all I can focus on is what is straight ahead, one pedal stroke at a time. Try not to consume all the stuff that is weighing me down...only go with what is right there.

Children

I am of age where most people I know have their first child or are on their way of having their first child if not their second. I even know someone I went to high school with who was on their 5th child during my 10 year high school reunion.

Some people bear children. Other people dote on pets and treat them as their children. Me, I have my road bike and I literally treat her as my daughter.

Yeah, my road bike, my child. Go ahead and roll your eyes but for someone who has been cycling for a number of years, this was my first major purchase. Since it was custom made, a lot of detail went into it. It also has godparents. A friend of mine whom I met during my first few AIDS rides helped me with the last bit of funds so that I could get the bike last year. And the bike has a name- Maria Belvie Miranda. How Filipino can you get? Well, to explain this, in the Philippines, you're name is either derived from either one of two things (and this is girl's names): a) you're named after the saint whose day falls on your birthday or b) you're given the name Maria and whatever middle name just because Maria (the Spanish equivalent for Mary) is the mother of God, you know the Blessed Virgin Mary. I will stop before I get too Catholic on you.

Well, Belvie is the nickname of the woman who helped me get the funds. And Miranda- named after my favorite character on "Sex and the City", Miranda Hobbes, the no nosense, practical woman who doesn't show her soft and sensitive side too much- much like me.

I wonder if I will ever bear children. I know it is possible later in life even though the complications arise past 35. A couple years ago, I totally nixed the idea of having children. Now, I wonder if I will ever have that chance and if I don't or can't, will there be something of me missing?

I will admit that being with Joe gave rise to a lot of insecurities, things that I have written off because I was too cycnical about marriage and family. I have yet to sort out these things and insecurities. Those are the things I'm not too sure about.

But I know someday I would like to have a small family. A partner (I don't like the word husband in particular) where we work things out like a partnership, not confined to one particular role because of gender or if it is culturally appropriate. I would like to be that combination of a cool hip mom that spends time with their kids and have a kick ass career in politics. I'm really not too sure of it all. Sometimes I wish I was.

Grounded

Let's face it. Today really sucked. I think I was in this real foul mood. The type of mood where you just don't want to be where you are right now and you're totally counting the minutes and seconds where you want to go home. These are the feelings that are churning through my head when I go to work lately and I really do want to get out of retail but fall into something that I love. That might be baby steps since freelancing these days hasn't been that great and well, even though the job market is picking up bit by bit, I still have to work really hard to get anywhere. There are days when I get really frustrated with customers, find myself getting angry, find my anxieties and issues (some issues I have been working on for years in therapy) are surfacing. When it's times like these, I hit the gym.

Running and cycling I use to just let solutions come to me for problems that are bothering me and somewhat zapping my energy. Yoga and weight training are for times when I don't feel so grounded like today. I ended up doing some additional yoga poses at the end of PiYo class, having my own mantras with them. For tree pose, I imagine myself growing, reaching, keeping root and standing tall. Same with triangle pose- reaching while being grounded. Warrior pose- standing tall, reaching forward, never slouching. Did you know that people who slouch just look plain ugly? There is this one guy who totally slouches. I think it's rather unbecoming. By the time I was done with my workout- added some strength training in the end- I was ready to move forward.

The recommittment for me to start really working out and eating right is slowly paying off. Not just in physical appearance but mentally, I find myself really focusing and moving forward. Taking steps on what I need to do to get towards where I need to go. Sometimes there is some frustration but I feel myself just moving forward. Plowing ahead. I will admit that there are some lonely times and especially in my moments of not being grounded, I wanted to call someone, to find that crutch. However, I refrained from doing so. I don't want to be a burden to friends even though they will be there for you. But I need to find the strength on my own and if it is too much to handle, that is when I call for help.

Slowly but surely, I'm beginning to move forward in finding another job, law school plans and just slowly accepting the change in my life from Joe's girlfriend to Joe's friend (and nothing else). Yes there roadblocks and obstacles and days where I just don't wanna do it but somehow, I find my way back to my dreams, my hopes, what I believe in, what I stand for, what I love.

Good Food

Ever notice that the double o's in those two words don't really match in terms of the same pronunciations? Anyways, that isn't something that really bothers me much.

I do love food. Food is your friend as folks would say. Some folks are afraid of food in fear of getting fat and looking ugly with a few pounds on their body. I always think of food as fuel to keep my busy body going. However, I'm doing my best to think that I could get away with eating certain types of food all the time since I will burn it off by exercising.

One of my resolutions this year is to be more concious about what I eat and how much I eat. I've read some stuff from different health magazines, remembered coversations with running pals and my friend Darcy who went on Weight Watchers to lose a good amount of weight a few years back that the American diet is just too big. Too big in the sense that we as Americans eat more than what is allotted to be a healthy serving. I'm slowly learning the rules of portion control (eat enough meat to fit the size of a deck of cards and eat enough pasta and grains to fit half a tennis ball). These are things that I need to visualize. I think once I get these portions, I'm heading towards the right direction.

Also, I'm trying my best to cut down on the fried foods. Limit stuff high in sugar. The hardest part is sweets. Oh there are days when I would give to stuff myself with a cookie, a piece of cake or pie, some ice cream, etc. However, when I do take a minute to think about it, most of these thoughts have come up since I want some comfort from the storm, whether it's a bad day at work or my blues of breaking up. That is when I have to force myself to do other things- to do things I love that don't consume calories such as reading, writing in my journal, having a cup of herbal tea, taking a walk, etc.

I'm always bringing lunch to work or wherever I go. I notice so many people going out for fast food on their lunch break. For me, fast food makes me ill and it's so bland. I think the latest outbreak of mad cow disease has curbed me from eating my usual monthly cheeseburger but I think subsituting it with a veggie burger is a much healthier alternative. I'm hoping that better eating habits in the following days would help me reduce my fat level in my body to a state that I can be both healthy and trim. Something I myself would be proud of.

Heart Like A Pinball

The last few days, I've felt like my heart and soul are like this pinball in a pinball machine going from one direction to another. I posted another ad on craigslist.org to find some other guy to date. Then I talked for a long time with Joe and finally he breaks it to me that most likely we will never get back together. Now that was a big stab to the heart. Secretly ever since we broke up, I was hoping the two of us would get back together as boyfriend and girlfriend but I knew that I really couldn't be friends with him as if we started from scratch (you know, us starting off as friends as if the last two and a half months of us being together didn't even exist). Maybe it's possible but right now, I honestly can't be friends with Joe because well, there is a part of me that has feelings for him and still sees him as my boyfriend.

I mean, I still have a chockful of memories as Joe as my boyfriend- the time I made pancit for him and he told me that it was as good as his grandmother's, the times we made love at both my place and his place, the times when we ate at Emmy's Spaghetti Shack, Ton Kiang and numerous other tauqerias; the amount of clothes I got him at a discount at Banana Republic, the time he picked me up from airport after I ran the New York City Marathon, the time he made me dinner totally surprising me because he just did it out of the blue. I can go on and on. And it doesn't really help that one of my shirts that I left at his place smells exactly like his clothes when I hug him really tight and he would place his chin on top of my head.

OK, there's a lot to separate so that we can just be friends again. I'm not sure if it's the same complexity as separating siamese twins joined by some organ or something like that and having both of them live. Maybe it all depends on how much history was shared, how much time was spent together. I know it would take couples that were together for much longer to be friends if that point ever does occur.

Now here I am at the same time just trying to move on. However, I only responded to a couple of the repsonses from the craigslist ad. However, in both cases, I just find myself freezing up, breaking down, as if I don't want to meet these men. I find it hard to do so. I guess it's all because right now, I can't. Both men I talked to advised me to take some time to really think and get stuff in order.

To be honest, after Tuesday, I felt a big burden was lifted. A burden in a sense that one of my burning questions was answered. Not in the way I would like it answered but it was. All of a sudden, I felt like I didn't have to try so damn hard to win Joe over again. I didn't have to cry from so much frustration and agony. I still do cry but it's more of mourning for what I lost.

However, in all of this, there is a part of Joe that wants me back, this time as a friend. When I told him that I couldn't be that to him at this time, I could tell that he was totally crushed. He did assure me that if I wanted to be friends with him- the notion of us getting back togeher either eradicated or set aside where it doesn't get in the way of the friendship- that he would be there. This is something for me to really think over to and really assess if I could truly be friends with Joe without wishing for the relationship. Maybe it can happen in time. Maybe there might be some certainty that we might get back together as a result of our friendship on its own, not because one person wanted it. These things I don't know as much as the things and occurances in my life.

Mind and Body Connection

I started taking up yoga again or a somewhat hybrid version of yoga and pilates at the gym a few weeks ago. I have yet to get the finances and the schedule to go back to my original yoga instructors who have taught me poses a few years ago. The last few sessions of PiYo classes have been rather fruitful. I come out of class a lot more focused and ready to tackle anything.

Tonight however, I, being my overachieivng self, decided to try a cardio-kick boxing class and PiYo afterwards. After getting frustrated by the coordination or my lack of coordination of keeping up with the kick-boxing class, I walk out and do a 15 minute session on the eliptical machine. I swear never to go to kick-boxing again. Not because of my lack of coordination. I just thought it was a silly class. I would have had more fun in spin class but I decided to try something different, to kick it up a notch. Well, that I got done. Then the instructor for the PiYo class came in. It was a substitute- the usual instructor was out sick and the substitute decided to do a full hour and a half of yoga, poses, sun saluations and the whole nine yards. I was fine in some poses but I found myself taking breaks and doing child pose a lot. Soon I felt my arms gave out and feeling this frustration almost very much like the same frustration I have felt when I get really frustrated with me and Joe. I did a little resting pose before packing up and heading home.

On my walk home from the gym, I realize some things. One, I'm honestly outgrowing my overachieving self. Somehow, doing too much doesn't really get anywhere. But what was really funny was realizing that I was doing too much and the frustration I felt of not getting anywhere was the same I had the last few weeks with Joe. Joe pointed out during our spats that I was indeed doing too much- trying to realize why I kissed James at Patty's birthday party a few months ago, trying to reconcile things with Joe, trying to gain Joe's trust and the two of us getting back together- cramming all that into a superfast, uber-make-up mode that really doesn't work. That one needs time to take all these seemingly big things and digest them. With my stubborness being my worst trait, these things usually hit me much later, like a major delayed reaction.

Right now, there are two couples that come to mind- Son and Carlo and Cin and Kevin. Son is one of my co-workers at Banana Republic. Late last summer, Son's boyfriend, Carlo, cheated on Son. The worst part was that the person Carlo cheated on was one of our co-workers. At that time, Son was angry and did not want anything to do with Carlo. Basically, he broke it off and literally kicked Carlo off the face of the earth. As the months passed and Son basically got busy with his new position as assistant manager, I guess over time, he and Carlo started talking again and spending time together. First, they had Thanksgiving together and I guess they were spending some time during the holidays. During the quiet morning hour, Son and I talked about my relationship with Joe. He said that maybe time apart from each other would be best. It worked for them. And Son told me that when Carlo explained why he cheated on Son later on, it was easier for Son to swallow and I guess the love between them actually made things better. Part me ponders that time away must be good. But part of me is scared because that's what Ron and I proposed and Ron ended up with an ex-girlfriend of his. Then again, Ron never did ask if I was OK after my first bike crash while Joe came during my second bike crash when I needed him.

Cin and Kevin had some time off. Cin has been one of my closest friends for years and I totally adore her. She and Kevin got married last summer. However, there was a time when Kevin and Cin called a time out. It happened Spring 2001. Kevin was feeling pressure from Cin and Cin's parents and everyone else to see if he was really committed to Cin. Cin was hurt that Kevin didn't feel the same way so they parted ways. For a few months, Cin did a lot of things she wanted to do- hang out with friends, try new things, etc. Somehow, I guess Kevin came to grips on what he needed to deal with Cin and realized that he really did love her. So, they did get back together and lived happily ever after.

I guess the lesson learned in yoga class tonight was try to take time to sort things out and work through each thing one at a time. I know there were some poses that I was able to do I was totally out of practice. But I know in due time if I keep on going to class each week, I'll eventually get better and better and stronger and stronger. I figured time away from Joe will do me that good as well. Perhaps get a more clear focus. Maybe not be so angry and frustrated like I am now. I know that in the end, the two of us will be better for it. Hey, if it worked for Son and Carlo and Cin and Kevin, I guess there's something there after all.

Keeping Busy

I'm known as a busy body, someone who can't really stand still and must have something to do. I'm always on the move, trying out something new, writing some random thought down on anything I can get my hands on and even reading anything I can get my hands on. I really hate being idle and even though people have told me to take a day off and rest and whatnot, I still find myself being the busy bee that I am.

This is what I have been doing the last few days. Just filling in the time. Studying for the LSAT. Going out to dinner with friends. Going to yoga class again. Reading books. Going for a bike ride (it was a nice day for it...crisp, blue sky, sunshine...ahhhhh!). Writing in my journal. Planning my week, my days, my moments. I think it's more a distraction on not to think about the state of things with Joe.

I find myself getting a big headache every time I think about and try to analyze what's going on with Joe and myself. Somehow I don't want to relive the last month or so of fighting that the two of us have been doing. It seems like one bad round after another to the point where both of us are tired and beaten to a pulp where we can't even think straight. Though there is this tendency for me to take care of crisis right away, solve problems quickly, and clean up messes ASAP (because of my busy body tendency), my heart and head are literally keeping me in check that I actually sit and take a break from all this with Joe. My stubborn will wants to keep busy but the practical part is telling me that with the hiatus from the ex, both of us will be thankful for it.

During my bike trek to Tiburon today, I was thinking over the route I was doing and looking at my bike computer. I did a good amount of milage today considering that it's pretty much where I'm supposed to be right now in terms of training. There was that part of me that wanted to swing by Joe's and get a shirt I left at his place. But then I reasoned that he might not be home- that he would be playing poker or going snowboarding or watching the NFL playoffs or some college bowl game or some random sport event on television or even at work. I think the weather and my body finally chimed in when I thought about the hills I had to climb on the way home and opted to take the Ferry from Sausalito into the Embarcadero and head home on BART.

So tonight on this rare Saturday night off from work, what is there for me to do? Hmmmm...I'm not really sure. It might end up being a rather quiet evening. Dull perhaps but a nice respite for a busy body.

So You're Saying I'm Gonna Have a Good 2004?

When I came home from work tonight, I was telling my roommate Patty about my New Year's Eve which I will somewhat give you the quick and dirty version later. After I bemoaned the events of what happened- got into fight with ex-boyfriend (whom right now we still want to be friends and be in each other's lives but are having difficulties doing so), cook dinner (which ends up being somewhat of a disaster in some dishes), read a few chapters of the book ex-boyfriend gave for Christmas (one I wanted from one of my all time favorite authors, Jessica Hagedorn), try to go to sleep, cry (a lot), bemoan the notion that ex-boyfriend will ditch plans to spend New Year's Eve with friends and spend it with me (I really convinced myself that this notion was pure bullshit), called ex-boyfriend at midnight to wish him Happy New Year (because I didn't when we argued), ex-boyfriend calls back and offers me to stay over at his place since it was quieter and I needed sleep since I had to be at work early on New Year's Day, ex-boyfriend picked me up, both of us slept on opposite ends of his couch, went out for crepes in the pouring rain, watched a little bit of the Tournament of Roses Parade, drove me to work, and argued when he dropped me off- Patty looked at me and said, "Well, according to Brazilian superstition, if you have a really shitty New Year's Eve, you will have a good new year." (Patty is half Brazilian, half German and Swiss).

I looked at her as if she was on crack. I truly didn't believe her. In fact, I wanted to bet $50 that this wouldn't happen.

To kind of put a little background, Joe and I were dating for a few months before we broke up. It was something on my part that broke us up but Joe has this notion that he can be friends with his ex-girlfriends. I am not friends with all the guys I date. Shit, most of them don't want any contact with me after we break up. So both of us have different perspectives on how ex's should act around each other. Even though after we broke up, we a) had Thanksgiving dinner together and b) exchanged Christmas presents not to mention Joe picking my bruised body and bike after I crashed on the bike trail around Lake Merced on Thanksgiving morning and deciding not to go to work one morning to take me to Oakland International Airport so that I could catch my early morning flight on my way to my parents' place in San Bernardino where I was spending Christmas. Even though he broke off the relationship, you can tell there is some sort of love still there.

I have a lot to sort out with things with me and Joe that I will not go into right now. Part of me still loves him. Part of me wants us to get back together. Part of me isn't too sure about us getting back together. Part of me wants to just chuck the whole thing and give up. Part of me just wants to get angry, scream "Fuck you!" at the top of my lungs and totally one up him. Honestly, thinking about it just gives me a headache.

Today at work, I just felt shitty. I wasn't too sure that the morning's events where Joe and I totally argued casted a bad pall on 2004 already. I just dragged through work, feeling at times like a lost and fallen star- slow, out of place, sullen. At least when I left work tonight, it wasn't windy nor rainy like the climate that Joe and I woke up to this morning.

Sometimes, love is something you can't really explain but it's there. Despite all the shit you do at times, if a person truly loves you, they still do. They may remind you and reprimand you for your not so wonderful actions and behavior, but they still do love you. I would have to venture to guess that maybe Joe does still love me despite my stubborness, my impatience, my insecurities and all the shit that I do. Even though I yelled and screamed and cussed in Tagalog at him, before we both went to bed last night, I hugged him and said I was sorry for what happened earlier that evening. He pulled me close and said, "Everything is going to be OK." Both of us drifted off to sleep in each other's arms then holding hands as I moved from one part of the couch to the other while Joe slept in another part.

As for now, I have yet to see if Patty's thing is right. Right now, I want to crack on LSAT books (I'm taking it in a month), change jobs and just overall, maybe learn to be more patient and perhaps a little more compromising but not to the point of losing myself altogether, kind of like Bernadine Harris from "Waiting To Exhale."

Well, if I did make that bet with Patty, she might end up being $50 richer.