Four...Is It Truly A Lucky Number?

In Western Culture, 7 is considered a lucky number. In Chinese culture, 4 is considered bad luck because it has the same intonation as the word death (I'm not sure if it is in Cantonese or Madarin but one of those laungages).

A week from now,I am heading off on my 4th AIDS Ride, AIDS/ LifeCycle 3. It really hits me now that this will be my 4th ride. It also hits me how much time has really passed. I have a few select photos on my bulletin board that are significant to me, one from each ride. I can't believe I evolved from the long haired bi-specaled girl with the chunky hybrid to a slim down, leaner and shorter haired woman with a zooming road bike.

It's funny as June comes up now. 6 months. 6 months since the beginning of this year occurred. I remembered my rather debacled state of New Year's Eve and how my roommate Patricia told me that if I had a bad New Year's Eve, the following year will be totally fabulous. Back then I thought she was bullshitting. But now, I think she is quite right.

I'm coming into this ride at a much stronger rider. I'm not sure if it's the training rides I did myself or the better fit on my bike or the intensive 8 weeks of yoga I did 5 days a week or just age making me focus. Whatever it is, I see myself a lot more confident and positive as I have ever been.

However, I still have a lot of thoughts swirling through my head. I do wonder if I can really do all of the miles and not dehydrate this year. I wonder if I will have enough energy to keep up with my very active godson Jesse when I visit him in a few weeks after the ride. I still wonder about law school and having a family. I wonder about my training for the Chicago Marathon. I wonder about what my next step will be jobwise.

And I still wonder about Joe.

I look back at the calendar and I can't believe that almost 4 months have passed by. June 15. The day that we agreed to open things up and talk again. The time away from him has made me really think about a lot of things and work on myself.

It hasn't been easy. There have been times when I miss him tremendously and time where I wanted to beat myself to a pulp because of the way I behaved toward him. I flash back on wonderful times and pray to God if I will have them again, if I can have another chance to re-build what has been damanged, gain back the trust that I have lost with him.

I took me a long time to admit so many things. It took me a long time to realize that I truly do love and care for Joe. How he really is the one. Yes, the one I want to love and be there for the rest of my life. How I have realized that I was scared that in loving him, scared that I would have to lose a lot of myself if I opened my heart completely towards him. How it took me such a long time to forgive myself for all that I have done to him.

There is so much I want to say to him, so much to tell him. I'm not sure if it will flow right. I don't know if he would want to hear me out. I'm not sure if there is anything that I will leave out. I just want to let him know how much I love and care for him and how I want another opportunity for us to re-build our friendship again from scratch and to see what happens there.

Is that too much to ask?

Something I Stole...

From a journal entry. Needed something to write about.

1. What color are your kitchen plates? A variety of colors- mostly yellow, white and beige.
2. What book are you reading? The War On Choice by Gloria Feldt.
3. What's on your mouse pad? I have no room on my crowded desk for a mousepad.
4. What's your favorite board game? Connect Four.
5. Favorite magazine? O- The Oprah Magazine.
6. Favorite smell? A tie between freshly baked bread and a combination of Polo Sport and fabric softener on my boyfriend's shirts.
7. Least favorite smell? Really bad body odor.
8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? "Do I need to run or go to yoga class?"
9. Least favorite color? orange
10. How many rings before you answer the phone? Depends. I check the caller ID first to see if I want to even answer it.
11. Future child's name? For a girl- Calixa Innocencia. For a boy- Antonio Expedito.
12. What is most important in life? Passion.
13. Favorite sound? A baby's giggle.
14. Chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla.
15. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Yes, my teddy bear Maganda aka Maggie.
16. Storms, cool or scary? Cool.
17. What type was your first car? Geo Storm.
18. If you could meet one person dead or alive? Hmmm...depends on the person.
19. When is your b'day? Feb 10.
20. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? No.
21. If you could have any job, what would it be? U.S. Senator from California.
22. If you could have any color hair, what could it be? Black with subtle blond highlights.
23. Have you ever been in love? Yes.
24. Is the glass half full or half empty? Half full.
25. What are your favorite movies? The Debut, Manhattan, Back to the Future, Vertigo.
26. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? No.
27. What's under your bed? Dust bunnies.
28. What's your favorite number? 8
29. What is your single biggest fear? Snakes.
30. Favorite CD? Frank Sinatra's Greatest Hits
31. Favorite TV show (s)? Sex and the City
32. Hamburger or hotdog? Cheeseburgers.
33. Favorite soft drink? Diet Coke.
34. The best place you have ever been? The top of Dolores Park kissing my boyfriend for the first time.
35. What screen saver is on your computer right now? Vintage New York photos
36. Full name: Edna Aileen Alegado Flores
37. Cats or dogs? Dogs
38. White holiday lights or multi-colored? White.

Fighting Tooth and Nail

Well, lately I have been somewhat taking a break and moving forward. Right now, I'm starting to laugh because I'm listening to an old Tevin Campbell CD, especially that one song where he's trying to get his groove on and get really seductive. I laugh because I'm used to him singing cute kiddy songs back in the day, like "Round and Round."

OK, stopped the CD. Now I'm changing it. (pause for a few moments while I get a CD. End up picking "The Beatles- 1967 to 1970")

I have completed the 5 by 8 Bikram Mission in the Yoga Challenge. I feel so much better and energized. I feel focused. I feel stronger. I have a little more patience and tolerance. I'm slowly letting myself forgive myself on certain things. I have to admit that I did get a little burned out from Bikram yoga. I think the next few weeks, I'm going to take the chance to explore different yoga styles, even going back to classes with Anne, one of my first yoga instructors. I also went back to spin classes. The instructor I took on Monday happened to work at Banana Republic once upon a time. I really didn't like his class. He spent a good amount of time just gossiping with one person and not focusing on the rest of the class. I only like a few spin instructors. I've gotten to the point where I would rather ride my bike out in the open. Note to self- get a trainer so that I can spend time with my road bike more often.

Everything is coming up at once- AIDS/ LifeCycle, change in my job situation (I'm looking but I've changed my availability so that I can just focus more on the job search) and June 15. At times I wonder what things will transpire between me and Joe. Just last Sunday when I was out to brunch with Jeanne, Ben and Nick after Bay To Breakers, I thought there was some guy that looked like Joe who was at Park Chow where we were eating. It wasn't Joe after all. Maybe I was imagining stuff or something like that. I'm trying not to think about it. Maybe this is my way of dealing with it. Maybe I'm in denial or something like that. I don't really know.

I'm thinking of a summer trip. Maybe go to Iowa to see Amy and her husband Chad. Maybe a weekend to New York City to see Alain. Maybe a trip down to So Cal to see Rachel and have dinner with Jan and Glenn and goodies from her garden. I need a change of scenery.

Wish me luck on stuff.

Malaguena Subrosa

This is actually the song played at the closing credits- the ones where they show all the characters in Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Kill Bill Vol. 2- of Kill Bill Vol. 2. I had this song running through my head all day after I trekked down to Virgin Megastore during lunch to listen to some tunes. I picked up the Kill Bill Vol. 2 Soundtrack to listen to and as I was listening to "Malaguena Subrosa", the guitar beats, Spanish lyrics and trumpet sounds conjured this image of me tearing down the road on my roadbike. I would say this would be the theme music playing in the background if someone where to film me while I was riding my bike on AIDS/ LifeCycle or a training ride.

I haven't written lately in this blog. Most of my time has been devoted to training and working and organizing for the March for Women's Lives which occurred a few weeks ago. The excitement and energy is still there. That will be in a later entry since right now, my brain is somewhat ready to go to sleep.

Getting ready for AIDS/ LifeCycle 3 (my 4th AIDS ride) and participating in the March for Women's Lives had a major impact on my life thus far. It has allowed me to move forward, to actually take charge of what I need to do to move forward in terms of law school and finally getting out of my miserable retail job. I'm trying to harness that energy and dedication and drive that I get from training, organizaing and going to yoga class to drive me out of a bad job situation. I just don't want to stay there much longer. It has been a slow process, almost like me getting more advanced in certain yoga postures.

In many ways, the last few months have been major transformation months. I feel like I had just come back to life, like Uma Thurman's character in both Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2. However, my targets of vengance are different- HIV, AIDS, people that vow to take away women's reproductive freedom, fear, apathy, people that just drain you and suck the life out of you with their misery and negativity. OK, certainly more snakes than the Viper Death Squad but one needs to harness that energy somewhere.

Nite nite for me. I realized it's time to get to bed and start another day of getting my ass on that saddle and cycling.