Oh Take Me Back To The Start...

My friend Romben listened to a lot of Coldplay when he went through his breakup with his girlfriend of several years last year. I told myself after hearing that bit of news that I would put my Coldplay CDs into the deeper recesses of my CD crates. I ended up playing Coldplay the other day and this evening after I came home from therapy.

I started going to therapy around the same time that I started yoga again this year. I realized I needed to start after realizing how much anger and pain I was projecting towards Joe. My therapist Kishi and I talk quite a bit. I will spare you the details but this has helped me through this bit in my life.

For me, therapy is that chance to really release a lot of things I do keep inside that I cannot reveal to friends and family and sometimes find it hard for me to put down on paper or on my blog. I have come a long way since I really started therapy a few years back after a real dark period in my life. There is still a lot to work on and in time, I will find a way to deal with a lot of things and issues. There is no such thing as an issue free person. There is such a thing where a person takes action upon their issues to minimize those things from creeping and controlling their lives.

Honestly, what I would give to trade certain things in my life to start all over again...

Oh really take me back to the start...

Shifting Gears

After about a week or so (it seemed like longer) of being on somewhat shaky ground with a lot of aspects in my life, it seems like I now have some solid footing on certain things.

I accepted the cashroom attendant position at Banana Republic. One thing I was a little disappointed in was that I was offered the part time position. However, one of the part timers has been diagnosed with acute leukemia so that means the staff is now down to two. My hiring as come at a crucial time. I told my new manager Jenny that I was willing to put in as many hours as I can to fill in the gap. My position change has come at a nice time as well since I was getting really sick of being on the sales floor. I've done so much that I wanted a change. I have slowly been getting used to my duties and my new roles. I really like the team that I work with so far. I know I will do a good job at what I am asked to do and am willing to make things grow for the time being.

I've now officially switched gears to running. I'm really looking forward to the Chicago Marathon this fall. I have never been to Chicago and my friend Leilani is out there for 6 months learning to be a pastry chef. I met her and her husband Richie during ALC 3. Speaking of ALC 3, I just hung up my favorite photo from ALC 3 on my bulletin board- me on Day 7 in the holding area of Dodger Stadium with my helment with Mr. Eggs on top, a Dodger baseball cap on my head and a cupcake with candles on it. I'm still riding my bike and getting a little more exercise and hoping to incorporate a lot more cross training since that has helped me tremendously in this year's ride. I think I wrote that I'm taking yoga flow classes which are a nice change. It's where I'm doing different positions in a nice flow, linear, somewhat unpredictable as opposed to doing the same 26 Bikram positions that have somewhat bored me out of my skull. I think I got bored and burned out because I so put so much of myself into those 8 weeks. But I will have to say, that 5 by 8 challenge has built in a great foundation. I will go back to Bikram but maybe not in a good while. I think this is nice for me to go into this exploratory phase.

Tonight I have an open house. I'm totally cleaning house right now just getting everything nice. It will be nice for me to get out of the room I am now. At least this gives me an excuse to really gut my closet and clean.

July is coming up and I was reading O Magazine the other day where it states that July is a nice time for change and getting things moving. This will be the month where I really go out and get the letters of recommendation and really start on my law school personal statement which I have done a bit of writing on. I need to put this on my word processor and start crafting it bit by bit. I know I need to really plow through and do it. Once things with the job and housing gel together, that is when I will do it. OK, I actually better do it instead of me babbling around saying that I would.

As for Joe, I guess the things in my life have taken priority. I know that I still do miss him tremendously and do want him back but for the time being, it is not really feasible for us to work things out. It seems like both of us are on really shaky ground in our own lives that to work out things with another person, especially a person that has been a significant part of our lives despite how brief the time frame, would be too much for us. I think of the analogy that Joe told me that he heard at a conference at work once about juggling plates. Sometimes, there are some plates that you have to drop and let break because you can only feasibly juggle so many plates at one time. With me getting used to my new job, new housemates coming in, applying to law school and marathon training...I can only get used to so many changes at one time. I'm coming to realize that as I am getting older, it's not a matter of how many things you can do all at once, it's the quality of the things that you do that matter. I would rather spend an evening of really listening to a lecture or having dinner with friends rather than sprint from one place to another, dashing and catching taxis and MUNI trains and only having 30 second sound bites of conversation and hand shakes and business card exchanging. Sure there are times when I need to multi-task but I try to make sure it's a common theme to the multi-tasking such as pairing my reading and journaling time as I wait for laundry to wash and dry or taking a yoga class to stretch out my muscles after a long bike ride.

I guess sometimes doing the things you want to do is matter of really mastering the art of time management. Balancing finances is one thing but trying to get as much time as you can to do the things you want is the ever so difficult challenge. There are books I want to read, places I want to cycle to, marathons I want to run, friends I want to spend time with, places to explore, things to learn.

All in good time I figure.

And all you can do right now is just shift and keep on peeling layers of clothing on and off to get used to the terrain and microclimates that make up one's life.

Bicycle...Bicycle...I Want To Ride My Bicycle...

OK, the lyrics of that tried and true song come ringing on through. I just got back from doing AIDS/ LifeCycle 3 which by so far has been the best AIDS ride I have ever done. Practically rode every single mile, no dehydration, no drama and only one visit to the med tent for saddle sores but most of my visits were social ones.

Honestly, the events of this week upon coming back from the ride and work and other stuff made me want to hop on my bike and ride to South America. Just dealing with housing issues (Alex and Patricia are moving out at the end of July and I need to go find roommates), my job situation (I don't know if it was foolish of me to reduce my hours at Banana Republic thinking that I would have something lined up temp wise and then the interview for the cashroom attendant position at Banana Republic and wondering if I got the job then finding out that I could have been potentially interviewed for an entry level position at a social research firm but got rejected because they wanted someone there longer term and were worried that I would get bored), and yes, Joe.

I'm wondering if it was either the "Tales of the City" series or if it was "Sex And The City" that said that you can't have a great place, a cool job and a great relationship all at the same time. Two out of three, yes. One out of three, OK. There might be a point where you go 0 for 3. I wonder if 3 for 3 is like some elusive magic bullet.

I really don't want to go into any of the details of any of the three things above. I've gotten to the point where I'm pretty depressed and sad and just want to be left alone. I'm doing my best to literally bury myself into a lot of things right now. I just need to focus and take care of me.

I feel like I've riden onto some horrendous hill with the top not in sight with a major headwind and fog and a lot of traffic wizzing by on the road and the road has a lot of potholes and bumps...

I better shut up now before I bemoan this hill into the worst thing that I've ever created in my own mind...

It's Here!!!

Yep, AIDS/ LifeCycle 3 has just started to rock and roll.

I am pretty much 95% all packed. All I need to get is my jersey which I saw this evening and it's pretty damn sweet. Need to make a mental note to get one tommorrow.

Got to see the Safety Video tonight. One advantage of being an ALC Orientation Day Captain- getting a sneak preview with the rest of the ALC staff and ALC roadie captains. One of the guys from Team BEAR did a lot of the footage from ALC 2 and he got some shots of me munching on lunch and having this rather hilarious expression on my face and me stretching with also some hilarous expression on my face. Those shots made it to the final edit and a few folks got a good laugh. Even I have to admit that myself. I am wondering to myself, "Wow was my hair that long? Was I that fat?"

Lately, I have been getting rather skinny. Even my size 4 casual khakis from Old Navy are getting rather baggy. Funny that beforehand, I could barely fit in them.

The past few days, I have been getting rather cross though at work and everything else. I didn't have the energy to go to a networking event last night and I've been getting rejections left and right. I did apply for an internal position at Banana Republic. Different department, same store. Fully benefitted. Hopefully a pay raise too.

I think there's a part of me that is expecting some big change to occur once I hit the road. But as Jeanne told me the other night, I should just pedal and just let things naturally unfold. I was hoping that last year, Paul would somehow come to his senses and maybe we could be friends even though he is now with someone. This year, I'm a little more scared of the changes that might happen ALC 3- job, home and Joe. But I did take some time out this morning and wrote out what I wanted from those three areas of my life. Surprised that I wrote it out with clarity and didn't find myself sinking into a pit of woe and wondering if it will ever happen.

In the sense of these changes in the last few months, I found that I need to let go of some friendships in my life. Mostly because in the past, these were people I depended on if I was dragged down. They too deep inside have some angst and drama that can drag others down. One has a rather pessimistic view on the job world of public relations and communications. Another is rather insecure and not too great with money or taking responsibilty with his life and matter. Yet another is rather down on relationships and wondering why he cannot have a stable one and was rather jealous when Joe and I were together. Some are easy to break off. Others are a little more difficult. Maybe I might find solution as I pedal off on the road.

I figured that I will find some solution to a lot of things as I pedal. I shouldn't just expect them to be handed on a plate but in some way, I will find some sort of solution and peace.