The Very Thought of You...

There would be moments. They would come, like stealth jets where you do not see or hear them but they give you a powerful punch. Like the new ad campaigns for Cal Football and you remember the day that Cal beat Stanford and he was so excited, his voice ringing, "GO BEARS!!!" Or the scent of the fabric softener and detergent he used to wash one of your shirts. You remember the crop of coarse dark brown hair, shaved in the back, a good fade on top. You remember the way he would look at you when he picked you up late from your flight from New York and smiled as he saw the finishing medal around your neck and kissed and hugged you and told you how proud he was of you. You remember the passion and love in his eyes as the two of you made love. You remember the times how he held you, how he didn't have to say anything to tell you how much he loved you.

All of a sudden as you take a deep breath and close your eyes, it is as if you see him right there, feeling his skin and his broad shoulders. Smelling that mixture of Polo Sport and Downey. You can hear his voice as clear as day, with that little lilt of his Midwestern Chicago roots coming through. You also remember him standing, arms crossed, hard look in his eyes when you told him how much you loved him and he told you he couldn't. You remember the cold reception and how it felt like somewhere in Siberia when he didn't respond to you.

However you think of him, your breath grows shallow and a layer of goosebumps just show up on your skin. You feel dizzy then the crash of the reality- that he is not with you, that he cannot be there, that he is not there. Then that is when the tears form and you start to gasp, sob, cry. You wonder if your love for him fell on deaf ears. You wonder if he still loves you. You realize that though you can live your life OK without him, that you really do need him, that you so love him.

Does this diminish? Do the tears stop? Does the very thought of him just become something fleeting? Does something like this only comes once in a lifetime? Does it ever come back again, not just with the same person but someone else as well?

Random Thoughts

It's been more than a week since I have opened this up and written here. A lot has happened. Right now I'm trying to fight the soreness in the right side of my body. Slipped on a banana peel and landed on my right arm and hip. It totally hurts right now. Today's 5.5 mile run with the San Francisco Firefighters Running Club drained me since it was nice and sunny yet humid. San Francisco summer has really arrived.

As I was running today through the park towards Ocean Beach and looping back to Stowe Lake where we usually meet, I thought about Joe. Last Saturday, things just came up and I found it hard for myself to be consoled that he wasn't there. For consolation, I got 1/2 a dozen donuts. I ate 4 and conked out after talking to Alan. I totally felt the sugar hangover the next day as well as the burger hangover since I was craving a burger and I got one from Fountain Cafe near work.

I am finally moving so far along with the law school applications. I think I'm finally at the home stretch for the personal statement and the resume. Now that can be sent off to one of my recomenders. The other got his stuff today. Wrapping up the marathon training. Saturday will be one of the last of the two really long runs. I'm actually moving up a pace group and really surprised with the results that I can keep up with the folks. Of course I was eating more than usual which I am doing these days.

As marathon training is wrapping up, my activism is winding up. Got myself to volunteer for Planned Parenthood doing voter registration and stuff like that. I might do some stuff with the Run Against Bush group and do some runs and fun stuff with them as well.

But the funny thing is that as things are moving forward, I don't really think too much about Joe these days. There are moments when I still do think about him and miss him. Maybe not as much but there are days. As I was looking at the Lonely Planet guidebook for Chicago, I saw some really cool things to go to when I get there. And Leilani is in the heart of downtown which I am really excited about.

Maybe things would have been different in terms of me applying to law school if Joe was still in my life. I'm not sure if I would be held back. I mean I would still apply but would my decision be based on where he would want me to be. I think about the different factors where I would be this time next year: close by Davis where there are flat roads and cycling galore, the busy bustle of NYC either near Washington Square or the Upper West Side, exploring Boston, a place I have never been before; back in Southern Cali in Los Angeles near beaches where I can run along each morning and cycle through Malibu and get real Korean BBQ; back in Washington, DC where it was once my home for two years; being near my favorite trails in the East Bay if I go to Berkeley or just staying put in the City if I decide to go to Hastings or USF. Funny how I see myself evolving, changing. The body getting more fit. My choices of what I eat becoming more specific, more on the nurtitious side. I am more focused on what marathon I can focus on a personal best in rather than finishing AIDS/ LifeCycle which I have done.

I wonder if he could eventally fit in the end. Could he really? Maybe? Perhaps? I don't know.

As The Universe Hears Your Needs and Feeds You Full

A therapist I used to go to back in Oakland got me into Louise Hay. Louise Hay is the author of You Can Heal Your Life. I happened to have some Louise Hay affirmation cards. Somehow, I figured that the universe heard me loud and clear on my need for cash.

Instead of writing in my journal and trying to figure things out for the large shortage of cash I have right now, I ended up just going out and doing laundry early this morning. I was planning to go to yoga class at The Yoga Loft for a beginner Vinyasa class and go over to Planned Parenthood Golden Gate to get some paperwork done before I go on full gear on Voter Registration and getting out the vote for the November elections (I figured I might do some stuff with Planned Parenthood Golden Gate and maybe some stuff with Run Against Bush, a group of runners who want to get President Bush out of office). However, after I came home with a cart of clean laundry, I got a call from Nancy at work, asking me if I wanted to come in earlier since one of my co-workers just opened the registers and went home sick. I was eccstatic. A nice full shift and more money too. Just a little bit more but everything helps.

I ate a cupcake I got from Citizen Cupcake, a little shop on the third floor of Virgin Megastore. It was pretty descent. The frosting was a little much. Too sugary for my taste. I actually felt ill from so much sugar from the frosting. I thought about making cupcakes just for fun. Maybe I'll just stick to getting them at Citizen Cupcake. It's not really a place where I can get good cupcakes like Magnolia Bakery in Manhattan. But it will do.

More Broke Than A Joke on Coke

Seriously, I am very broke. Too broke to do much these days. Even eating out for a cheap burrito is a luxury for me. I totally want to cry. Still on my probationary period at work. Barely making ends meet. I need to get another position just to make things better. I don't want to ask Ma for financial help.

I know it's breaking her heart and giving her grey hair that I'm struggling. I mean, they came here to the States from the Philippines so that I won't have to struggle. Sometimes it makes me cry to see where I am now but it makes me work so much harder at what I am striving for which is law school.

I face this at the same time I feel this emptiness, the same space I feel, that place of doubt and uncertainty when Joe left me. I know this is my time now, doing the Chicago Marathon, applying to law schools and stuff like that.

Shelly told me that she would float me some housesitting gigs her way. Maybe this will help. I just need to find some way to get more funds.

Marriage and Baby Track or Law School Track and a Track Bike?

Just the other night as I was trying to fanagle my resume for law school, I did a Google search for an old friend, Andrea. Funny thing is that her name appears on a posting of La Leche League, an organization that educates and encourages women to breastfeed their babies. As I was reading her posting, it seems as if she already had her child. A tinge of jealousy and sadness went through me.

Andrea and I met back in Washington, DC. At that time, she was dating someone who was pretty well known in the Filipino community in the Metro DC area. They were doing a long distance relationship since she was still at UCLA finishing up her bachelor's degree. Her boyfriend told me that she was moving out to DC and thinking of working on Capitol Hill. At that time, I was working as a staff assistant for Congressman Xavier Becerra. I figured that I could help someone out. After all, wasn't it networking that got me my job in the first place?

Andrea and I soon became fast friends. Both of us were the oldest in our families and we were both away from our respective homes in Southern California- her family was in the San Fernando Valley while mine was in the Inland Empire. We got together for coffee at Xando and dinners at California Pizza Kitchen. She was going through drama with her roommate and eventually broke up with her boyfriend, the one that asked me to help her find a job on Captiol Hill. She ditched the Capitol Hill dream after a real bad interview for a California Congressional office and went to work for Oracle. She worked at Crate and Barrel on the side to pay off some major debts. She was the one who got me into political campaigns and introduced me to some guy I had some terrible dating experience with. No less, getting into political campaigns was my ticket back to California. It wasn't too long that Andrea followed suit to work for Oracle's headquarters at Redwood Shores. It was her move to the Peninsula where she met her future husband Albern better known as Bern. Bern was working in Southern California and living down there although he did his undergrad at Cal (I seriously doubt he and Joe knew each other).

Andrea and I had this tradition where we would meet each other at the Fiesta Filipinas Philippine Independence Day festival at Civic Center in the City and then we would walk over to North Beach for the North Beach Festival Street Fair. The following year, we did it in reverse- go from North Beach to Civic Center. After she met Bern, she was totally in love with him. I was happy for her but I admit that once he proposed to her and gave her a Tiffany engagement ring, it felt that all of a sudden, we were on two different tracks. Andrea couldn't wait to be Bern's wife, to take his name, to ditch Oracle to become a full time mother. Now that scared me. Around the time Andrea got engaged, I was registered for California AIDS Ride 8 and was starting to train and fundraise seriously. Soon we started to drift in different directions- Andrea so involved in her wedding and me involved in training. She would bitch about her future mother in law trying to make the wedding the way she wanted it. I was fighting with Ma about me doing my first AIDS ride.

In all this, as I thought I would be part of her wedding party or at least be invited to her wedding in July 2002, no wedding invite nor e-mail. Nothing. Funny because we shared our wedding dreams and what we would name our kids and promised that we would be ninangs to each other's kids.

Now here I am, 4 AIDS rides later, 2 marathons under my belt and up late working on law school applications. Andrea is now married and with child. Her dream has come true. Figured that she might be happy. As for me, I am somewhat content with where I am now but working to something a lot better.

I'm not sure if Andrea and I could relate on the same level as we did once before. I'm not too sure if things are too far apart now. Have we drifted that far? Only for a moment, I wonder why she drifted away from my life. Maybe it's just one of those things that naturally happen.

I wonder who has the good life- me with my single Asian female status and really going after what I want or her with the house, the husband and the kid in the burbs?

Inversions and Light Eating

This morning, I woke up rather early to do some running. It was great to get me going and yet it got me through the day. However, most of the day I spent scratching all of the mosquito bites I have been getting for the last few days. I swear these things are popping up like crazy and making me nuts. I'm actually looking forward to doing some track workouts tommorrow. It seems like I'm totally getting stronger in my own body even though there is part of me that is worried that I will slide back into my old chunky self. However, I know I'm smarter now regarding food and portion size and the occasional treats. Lately I've been finding myself sampling different junky things (a bite of ice cream there, a handful of Resee's peanut butter bites there, a donut in between). I think it's probably all of the stress and energy I've been burning through the last few days in working on my law school applications.

That seems to be my life these days...law school apps. Well, it defintely has shifted my focus from brooding on Joe and my frustrations on what I can't do in that relationship. Funny thing is, my latest project has gotten me to finally look at myself eating healthy again. I actually craved a salad after eating a small bag of prunes (something that I found out that I like but find myself farting a lot) and some macaroons from Tartine Bakery and a few Resee's bites. I actually thought of skipping yoga class tonight and getting a dozen donuts and downing them all. That didn't happen and instead, I had a salad with seasonal greens, an heirloom tomato and tuna and a small baked potato with a bit of butter and pepper. For dessert, I had frozen grapes. I highly recommend freezing grapes. They taste like a fruit bar. Yummy!

I'm surprising myself each time I got to yoga class at Yoga Arts. Tonight, I was able to get myself into a wheel posture and just found myself opening up to a lot of possibilities. I felt really buoyed after some hard poses that has left me frustrated. I'm still playing around with the idea of starting Iyengar yoga classes again after the marathon, maybe even beforehand. I want to start getting more into inversions and headstands. That has been somewhat of my obession lately. I think because I want to have much stronger abs.

OK, back to the personal statement and the resume for law school applications. Such a predictable life huh.

In Flux

I have written a number of entries in the last few days and somehow, I can't get them posted on my blog. I have written them out, some whitty, some thoughtful regarding changes in my life and how I'm handling them and genetically modified blueberries and athletes (affectionately referred to is frankenberries and frankenjocks). However, when it comes time for me to post these musings, I get an error where all my wordsmith is lost. I am not upset but wished they were saved.

The last few days have been a number of changes and passages of time. Getting a new pair of Saucony Hurricanes, my running shoe for a number of years. Finding out that blueberry season is officially over in California. Seeing apples being sold at the Farmer's Market. Getting knobs for the dresser I inherited from Alex and a clothes rack to make up for the lack of a closet. Sorting through almost 6 years of stuff. Running 20 miles. Being able to go up the Headlands during summer season, a time when most AIDS/ LifeCyclists don't really ride. Getting transcripts written. Revising personal statements and resumes. Setting up people for letters of recommendation. Setting up my volunteer schedule with Planned Parenthood. Seeing back to school ads and window displays. Fall items coming into the store this week. In these passages and milestones, I know that life goes on.

Lately with law school applications, that is all I am focusing on. That and getting all my stuff into my new room from my old room since Sasha is moving this weekend. It seems that is all I am focused on, nothing else. Just moving forward on something that I totally want to do is so exciting and yet scary. At times I wondered if I was still with Joe, would he hold me back? I know that I asked him about me applying outside of the Bay Area and out of state for law school. He said he would totally support it. I know it's one thing if a person says they will support it but what happens if it actually happens, will they still support it? Just reading the opportunities for externships and work studies and all this great stuff is just making my head spin and me a little queasy. Almost like when I first signed up for my first AIDS ride but 10 times more exciting and scary.

Today was a somewhat exhausting day. I felt the 20 miles of running and the 30 miles of hard cycling catch up to me and say "BOO!" in the sense that I took a long 4 hour nap this afternoon. I didn't really nap after my 20 mile run and maybe napped a bit after my ride yesterday (I'm not sure if I did or not). But anyways, I did get quite a number of things done such as move all my clothes into my new room, get a rod for the hanging clothes and knobs for the dresser that Alex gave me. I have yet to determine what to do with the rest of my things which is now a number of knick nacks and other things.

As I was listening to Annie Lenox's Diva, I folded and sorted clothes that would go into the dresser drawer and the remaining would go into the wire Elfa drawer that I have used for awhile. I came across my ALC 2 victory shirt, the long sleeved pine green one, the one that Joe washed since I left it in his laundry basket one time. I haven't worn the shirt ever since Joe gave it back to me. I wanted to preserve the scent of the detergent and fabric softener he washed it in which was the same scent I would sniff when I would bury my face in his chest as he held me and he would rest his chin on top of my head as both of us held each other tightly. Before I put it in the dresser, I took a long wiff of the shirt and suddenly, I feel this tsunami of emotions- sadness, anger, fear. I cried like a river and sobbed, wondering why Joe would be so closed up, walled up, wanting me to go away when I wanted to give so much to him, to love him as long as I can. I felt that wall once again, the one I hit, the one that was almost as imposing as Joe standing in the doorway, arms crossed on his chest with no life in his eyes, just a cold hard stare. This is his own self imposed wall that I cannot break. The same wall that is making me question and wonder should I still love him or should I give up. I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that law school applications are pressing, I have to go to work, pay the bills, eat, sleep, run, cycle and yoga class. My own life is the only thing that I have to focus and know.

Surrender and Flux

My old room still holds a table, all of my clothes, a shelf of nicknacks, a few bags of clothes and a box of stuff from my East Bay living days that I have yet to sort. My new room has my bed, my bike, my computer, my phone, my books, my yoga stuff, my running shoes, magazines and various other odds and ends. I have yet to get a hanging bar for the clothes since my new room has no closet.

Three pairs of Saucony Hurricanes, size 7 1/2, representing my running years. I'm trying to remember how long I have had them for and when I bought them. I want to say that I bought the oldest pair back in June 2002 at See Jane Run. I wondered what I had beforehand. I knew it was a Saucony shoe but was it a Hurricane? My last pair of Hurricanes are worn out, had their running milage on them. I knew it was time to change when my hip flexors were aching after my 20 mile run on Saturday. Got a new pair at Sports Basement on Sunday.

My bank account. Wondering when the landlord will cash the rent check. Getting worried there. Wondering if I will have enough funds with this coming paycheck. Coming into a rather lean period with hours being cut. Wondering if I should stay with the cashroom job. Trying to get more funding.

Started on the resume for the law school applications tonight. Filling in blanks, formatting comes later. A lot of one's life on several pages of paper. How far should I chronicle back? Should it just reflect college and beyond or after college?

Pop not being able to hear. Found this out when I was talking to him tonight. He had a hard time listening to me. He's now 63. Both of us not getting any younger.

Cleared out some drawers. Tossed out mostly everything. Suddenly start to remember certain things that were once part of my past. Should you keep them to have a record or toss them to make more room for new things?

In clearning some drawers, I found a photo of me, sitting on the reflecting pool in front of Capitol Hill with my UCI sweatshirt. I have to admit I was rather chubby back then. Now my body is slimmer, more toned with running, cycling and yoga. How long does this stay?

Read the New York Times yesterday at The Depot where Nick and I had brunch after cycling for a bit, going up the Marin Headlands. One of the guys that I served on CAPAL with got married to a shoe buyer. He's still doing the same thing, heading up organizations that foster leadership and public service in the South Asian Community. His wife is a shoe buyer for Macy's and works in Manhattan. Never thought he would marry a fashonista.

The state of my job. Does it go full time with benefits soon? How much longer must I deal with 3/4 time with still my sales floor wage? How will it be as the new Operations Manager starts to make changes to things?

Do you stay with the one that you so love and care about even though he cannot communicate or open up to you what is going on with him, his own storms and dramas. You want to give up because you just bang yourself against a brick wall which is how he is, stoic, cold, unfeeling. You felt some of that thaw when you hugged him and he gingerly put his arms around you and rested his chin on top of your head like he used to but then retracked back after a bit, as if he didn't want to be too vulnerable. Is that the thing you toss out and leave behind?

The flux of things- the state of my body, my finances, my career path, my parents, my relationship with my parents, my friends- their lives and how they relate to me, my relationship with Joe- ebbs and flows like some oscillation. Yet the crests and troughs are not the same depth or width. Sometimes I wonder will I get through the storms? Am I prepared? Am I making the right decisions? I look at this and know that I must surrender. Not in the sense of putting up a white flag and giving up but giving whatever is challenging me up to faith- faith in God and faith in me.

The yellow LiveStrong bracelet is my own reminder of what I must do. I need to keep going, to keep striving, to keep pushing. Focus on a goal. Keep running up that hill as Kate Bush once said in a song that she recorded a long time ago.

In this world of flux, you just need to just keep going, keep being present and just doing what needs to be done. Then you see results and movement.

Frankenberries and Frankenjocks

So I was in Safeway yesterday morning getting some staples where I hear over the loudspeaker about blueberries that were bigger and sweeter than conventional blueberries and exclusively at Safeway. I didn't mozy over to the produce section to look at these blueberries but off the top of my head, I'm thinking, "Genetically engineered." Perhaps these blueberries were grown in some remote state then shipped over thousands of miles by some big rig truck that is spewing a lot of carbon monixide into the air. Maybe these don't even taste like the blueberries I would get at the Farmer's Market from a small farm a few hours away hauled by a pickup truck with the folks that grow them behind the wheel. Somehow I am weary of genetically modified food but it is prevalent these days since we as a society demand certain types of produce at all times of the year like tomatoes in December (which honestly after eating summer heirloom tomatoes, must taste like shit and gross) and apples that are usually an indication of Fall are in during spring fresh from New Zealand. I think I even read in Fast Food Nation that McDonalds has genetically engineered potatoes that are big enough to fit into a supersized French fry container. I prefer the potatoes from Eatwell Farms that are the size of the palm of my hand and organically grown. I know people won't think about paying $3 a pound for peaches or seasonal fruit but if it comes from the ones that have grown it and you come into contact with those that grow your food, I figured that is a good price for that.

Speaking of genetically modified things, I read in this week's Newsweek that scientists are thinking of giving drugs to athletes that will genetically alter their body where they can take up more oxygen and build muscle tissue. In the midst of the summer Olympics getting underway and a drug scandal tainting the games, genetically modifying athletes is the way to peak performance, top endorsements from companies and the fame and fortune from your home country and throughout the world. I'm thinking about Eastern European Bloc countries once under communist rule that would take young kids teeming with promise in athletics and put them through rigorous programs and even feed them steroids. I know anyone who is a world class athlete would try anything and everything to enhance their performance but not to sully the sport and those who have used good old elbow grease and maybe have a dusting of natural talent.

Catharsis

Earlier this week during my session with Kishi, I asked her what I should do with my stacks of old journals that date back to 1999. She told me in whatever way I wanted to honor my past.

At first I wanted to burn the pages or even chuck them in the garbage. However, I picked up one of them, a chunky lined book I bought from Borders with a bleach stain on front (from the times I took detergent, liquid fabric softener, fabric softener sheets and bleach in a canvas bag and put my journal in the same bag for a trip to the laundromat) and thumbed through it. Inside were quotes, a rudimentary plan for my own website all about me and other things. I knew I couldn't throw them away; these journals are a part of me and a part of my life. Each blank book represented a part of my life. For where they will fit in my new room that is slowly taking shape, I do not know. I know that I have to keep them.

Speaking of old journals, I thought about the ones I kept in high school and one journal sticks out in my mind- a green wireless college ruled notebook decorated with Mrs. Gossamer stickers. This was the one I kept my spring of my junior year of high school. We had to keep a journal for AP English Language class and if Mrs. Meyers, the instructor, should not read certain passages, we folded them up. This journal sticks out in my head because that was the time when Pop had his heart attack, the time that I thought I would lose him altogether. He is still here, healthier than ever. But that moment 14 years ago was such a time when I was vulnerable, alone, wondering if Pop was going to survive to see me lead Daisy Chain my junior year, look at colleges and see me graduate from Redlands Senior High School, see me graduate from college, give me away when I get married, witness the birth of my first child.

He is still here.

In the midst of stacking my journals in two piles and wondering what to do with them, an envelope of photos fell out of one of the journals. The photos of me and him. I looked at them and just seeing his golden brown skin, his crew cut hair bleached blonde and in some photos, the glasses. I sorted through the photos and burned most of them, one by one, dropping them in a bowl of water when I wasn't able to hold onto the photos, making sure that he was completely burned out, the image of him turned to ash. I flushed the ashes down the toilet. I only saved about 4 of these photos. As I was burning them, I saw how much I have grown, how now he's not really a major part of my life. This reminds me of a passage I wrote over a year ago regarding this person:

In time, I know I will let go. In time, X will just only be a thought, not someone who is the sum of my thoughts. There will be a day when I ride and I don't get all sad. There will be a day where I enjoy the solitude of hitting a tennis ball against the wall. There will be a day when I look at Manhattan and not wonder what it was like for X as he was growing up or where he is now. There will be a day when I stop looking for my white knight, my hero on a Lemond Buenos Aires road bike, him wearing a red vest. There will be a day where I no longer think of that cute half Thai/ half Filipino boy whose name has more syllables than I can ever count.

That day will come when I least expect it. Like the day I met X.

X is this person. I did not reveal his name in order to protect him. Maybe I didn't mention it because I do not want to be reminded. In burning the photos, I'm not denying that part of my life but making room for the things that do matter at this time.

I cleared out this person from my life long ago. The photos were my last of my momentos of him. Ones I needed to let go.

Now I have room for new memories, new ideas, new people to fill up the space. Or just to leave the space for the sake of having it empty for awhile then slowly filling it up.

Babies

Ah yes, babies. It seems like everyone is having them. For a period of time last year, I saw so many women who were pregnant or with Baby Bjorn or stroller carrying a little cherub of a baby. My cousins are soon popping them out...their first child, second, even third. My cousin Michelle who is my age just had her son 5 months ago. I'm excited to go see her and just test drive motherhood in the sense of being with children and wondering if I too can be a good mother all in good time.

Off the top of my head, I know that I want my first one to be a surprise (much to the chargin of most people), I'll most likely be active until I give birth (i.e. keep running and cycling until I need to stop then go for swimming and water aerobics and for the whole 9 months, pre-natal yoga), and one gift that I would so love to have is a jogger stroller.

***

A Fun Night

Today after work, I went for a recovery run. I felt all my muscles pretty sore and tight from yesterday's workout (5.5 miles and 4:1 intervals- 4 minutes at regular pace and 1 minute at 5K/ lactic acid threshold pace) which means that I am still alive. I was planning to go to yoga class after my run but I ended up doing something that I have not been able to do in such a long time- have a quiet evening dinner and read in bed.

Yes, read in bed. I love those days when I could just snuggle with a good book under the covers and just read for hours and hours on end, especially if the book is rather engaging. After having some Spam burritos and cantelope, around 6:30pm, I turned off the phone and just read in bed while the light just shone through the windows. I did it for a good hour until I dozed off to nap for a good hour.

I know some of you might wonder if I am nuts but these days, when I have a closing shift or don't get home until 8pm because of work or yoga class or running, just coming home in the evening, making a meal and being a homebody is just nice. I actually feel really refreshed and rested. I'm not buzzing or rushing or trying to cram 20,000 things in one day. It actually is quite liberating and maybe I should do it more often. Such simple things to make one's life more rested and full.

Uh, This Doesn't Look Like The Road To Happiness...

So this afternoon as I go through my therapy session with Kishi, I found myself just totally beating myself and berating my lot of things in my life- my finances, my struggles, all this. All this in the wake of transition and a lot of fear. Transition in the sense of finally making my new room totally mine and getting stuff in there and sorted and fear of wondering how I will get the things to make it home. Also transition and fear in applying for law schools and stuff like that. All this is coming to me like a chokehold around my neck. Lots of fear and lots of transition. With fear, I wonder if I deserve, if I am deserving of all that I want for myself. Is it selfish? Is it mine? Is it mine for the taking?

Kishi periodically interrupts me and asks me if I truly do deserve the things that I want. I just need to express these feelings and give it a shot. I mean, I truly expressed my feelings with Joe and I felt totally rejected. Does that mean I'm not meant for Joe? Does the shoe not fit?

I so want to get away from these feelings of uncertainty and angst. Sometimes one might have to sit through those feelings and even shift through the madness of uncertainty and doubt. That I have to put real faith in all things.

I'm suddenly reminded of one of my favorite prayers, the prayer of Saint Francis. This prayer was on the back of Lolo's prayer card for his funeral. It also is fitting because here I am living in the city of Saint Francis. Part of the prayer goes like this:

When there is hatred, let me bring love.
When there is injury, pardon.
When there is doubt, faith.
When there is despair, hope.
When there is darkness, light.
When there is sadness, joy.

It seems as if I am depending on this faith, sometimes things that I know that are there that are going to occur or become to fruition but I can't see them right now. Like maybe things will be better between me and Joe. I don't know in what form but I know they will. Or that I will end up being in law school at this time next year. I just really have to put a lot of faith in myself which I will admit, have only very little of. But even that little bit, I just need to nurture it, to make it grow and bloom.

And right now, maybe this bumpy road of doubt and uncertainty is part of that path. I know that I will get out of it. I just need to really convince myself that maybe this is where I need to stay and know that this is for the short term.

Soaks, Spam, Socks and Schools

A weekly ritual that I have is that I would spend time to soak in the tub. That is when I get to see my body and feel it up close and personal. I switch off between using bath salts and bath oil, both are messy in its own ways. Bath oil leaves this residue which makes it hard for the person the stand in the shower and bath salts mixed with dried flowers and blossoms are left behind. But the rather hot water relaxes my muscles and I get to check out the muscles that have either formed or grown soft from use or disuse. More these days, I've used my muscles more often for yoga poses, runs, rides on my bike.

Tonight I made Spam burritos with refried beans, spinach, cheese, green chilies and salsa. Now before you go into shock about me eating Spam, I was reading an issue of Runner's World and I found an article about eating some good canned foods with some good nutrition. Right now, I've come to the point in my life that I don't want to eat out these days yet I'm too tired to cook. So canned foods are the solution. Of course I put in some creative ideas. Eating Spam reminds me of childhood where Grandma would fry up a few pieces and Ed and I would have it with white rice and tomatoes from her garden. These days, I'm eating Spam light which is less calories and less fat and less sodium than it's original counterpart. Comedian Jay Leno once commented something about Spam Light on "The Tonight Show". He wondered if Spam Light had less of that clear gel than regular Spam. Spam has been that staple for Filipinos for many years. I think Spam was introduced during World War II for soldiers out in the fields. Of course the American military setting base in the Philippines, Spam was introduced to Filipinos. A whole generation of Filipino American kids grew up in Spam (mainly people my age). I really do like Spam and I think Spam burritos will be part of my growing eccletic cuisine ideas and dishes.

I am missing one of my cycling socks from today's laundry. It happened to be a happy face with rasta dreadlocks. I got it during the New York City Marathon Expo. I know that I have lost a pair of cycling socks and it's bound to happen. Hopefully it shows up.

Now these days, I'm really going at the law school thing at full gear. I've been really focusing on the letters of recommendation, getting the transcripts together, editing the personal statement. Some schools are asking for applications as early as September 1. I was up a good portion of last night looking at those requirements. This morning, I did some more law school stuff to the point where I really needed to go ride. Luckily Shelly was around and we went for a spin around Lake Merced and the Presidio. It felt good for me to ride. I felt focused and clearheaded as opposed to confussed and flustered last night. I know if that I keep on doing at least one law school thing one day at a time, I'll be OK by the time I send out my applications October 1.

Funny how I have been writing more in my weblog than in my regular journal. Usually I would go through a blank book a month or so but I've been on the same book for almost two months now. However, unlike most blogs, I try to keep mine a little more private. I actually don't want anyone to really know what I'm really feeling. It's not decietful or anything; I'm just a real private person that's all.

So my best friend Alain is in town for the Summer of Love same sex marriage rally out in the borderline Sunset and Lake Merced neighborhoods where about a few months before, a bunch of Asians, mostly conservative Chinese Christians, were protesting about same sex marriage. Their slogan is marriage = one man + one woman.

So let me get this straight now (no pun intended). According to this equation, the institution of marriage is only reserved for certain couples, certain couples that get breaks on their taxes or are able to share property or can be granted visitation rights and adoption rights. Now isn't it ironic that almost a half a century ago, there was laws in the books that certain races could not marry- African Americans and Caucasians, Asians and Caucasians, Filipinos and Caucasians, Latinos and Caucasians...yada yada yada...you get the drift. How these couplings were denied being the right of buying a house or having their union not recognized. Now what I see these days is a lot of Asian women marrying anything other than Asian. So imagine if their unions are not recognized. Now that would piss off a lot of folks.

Same goes for same sex marriage. Now I know it's not what people see as normal but what is the normal family these days- mother, father and 2.5 children? You're lucky if the mother and father can stay together. Also in other cultures, extended family members make up a family that lives in the same dwelling (like both Lolo and Grandma and various aunts, uncles, great aunts and great uncles that have lived at one time in my house as I was growing up). I mean, why should I get all the perks and benefits and ups and downs that go with me walking down the aisle and saying "I do" to the man I want to love and be with for the rest of my life while Alain can't do the same for the man he wants to love and be with for the rest of his life. It so baffles me at times. And why is this being a fucking wedge issue. Is the state of marriage in danger? Is it on the international extinct list? Does it threaten our national security? Is two men or two women declaring their love for each other and becoming partners for life a weapon of mass distruction? I think not.

On another note, Alain and I have become somewhat busy in our lives. He's only here for a few days then he heads back to the humid summer of Manhattan while I schleIp through the foggy days of summer in the City (today being an exception with nice weather). I really wanted to catch up with him but had a limited amount of time to do so. So is life sometimes.

I saw an article on how to freeze summer fruit in Runner's World. I'm making a mental checklist of what fruits I would like to freeze and use in stuff. That would be a nice treat though.

On a sad note, singer Rick James is dead. I loved his songs "Super Freak" and "Give It To Me". Now I have those lyrics stuck in my head..."Give it to me...give me that stuff that funky stuff...SAY WHAT???"

Fruits of Labor and Love

In the past few months, I've had the chance to really try produce at their season peak by buying pretty much most of it at the Farmer's Market. There are a variety of locations that I go to throughout the City. It all depends on where I am at that time. Lisa, one of my former yoga class mates at Bikram Yoga in the Mission, is the executive director overseeing the Fairy Plaza Farmer's Market. She gave me a seasonality chart of fruits and vegetables. I try my best to sample at least something I haven't tried. This week, I decided to get some different Hierloom tomatoes and I swear, I never want to buy a tomato in winter ever again. Have you ever tasted a tomato in winter...from the supermarket. I mean they are so bland. Tomatoes are meant to be a summer vegetable and just to be totally savored in salads and sauces. One of my favorite summer salads happened to be spinach tossed with raw corn kernels (another treat in itself) and Hierloom tomatoes with a salad dressing of extra virgin olive oil and a pinch of sea salt.

Another surprise for me this summer happened to be beets. Before I would turn up my nose why people would load their salads with beets. Now I know why. I love this earthy vegetable in almost everything. I tried them roasted and cut them up to mix in quinoa and flava beans to make a tasty side dish to fish and chicken. I had an amazing salad with beets and avocados and fennel. Just eating stuff fresh from the farm connects me deep with my family's farming roots- both Ma's and Pop's (Lolo grew up on a farm and ended up being a school teacher later a school superintendent).

I love summer fruits and vegetables although I have to admit that I got a little tired of peaches and nectarines so I took a break from buying them. Grapes are now coming in season and I'm sad to see blueberries go so soon. I just looked at my chart and just when I thought figs were out of season, soon they are back in season, probably a different variety for me to sample and savor. I also love farmer's markets because you can talk to the farmers themselves and ask them the best ways to prepare their produce. I see it as a labor of love and health given to me. Sure it might cost a pretty penny but I feel that I'm worth good food, especially here in the Bay Area with all its mircroclimates that allow such an abundance of fruits, vegetables and even nuts to grow.

Another labor of love I'm carefully fine tuning and honing is my personal statement for law school. I'm now back on this kick of getting things ready and just looking it over. I'm going to send it over to Romben and Michelle, two law school graduates for their opinions. I have yet to get things started with the letters of recommendation and other things as well to get ready for the law school applications. We'll see what happens in the next month or so.

What ended up being such a difficult morning for me to get up ended up to becoming a rather so so day. My co-worker Nancy gave me the flowers she didn't want since she didn't want to cart them all the way home on BART so I now have some purple flowers complementing two sunflowers in a makeshift vase. The sun came out when I got out of yoga class this morning which was great for me to go to. I got to know my new roommate Sylvia better. I put in an honest day of work. I finished my first revision of the law school personal statement. All is done and now I can totally rest.

A Day In The Valley

These days, I feel as if I'm going through peaks and valleys, rolling hills on my cycle of life. I actually like going downhill on a bike because I like just screaming at the top of my lungs and yelling "WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" as I don't pedal but occasionally do to get my legs nice and loose and to flush out all the lactic acid built up when I climb up a hill. However, I get a little skittish going downhill when I run because I just feel like I'm just going out of control. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

I was going to run this morning but yet, I put that off. This has been my second week of blowing off the San Francisco Figherfighters Running Club track workout. I'm not sure if it's the slump that I'm in or the fact of treking out to Golden Gate Park to Stow Lake that has made me a little on the lazy side. However, I was thinking of doing a nice loop tommorrow before work. Now I just have to discipline myself to get to yoga on time tommorrow morning.

I saw one of my old managers at Banana Republic, Van. He actually lives in the same building as Shelly on Post Street. He looked pretty great and he commented that I did too. I saw him as I was taking a walk during my lunch hour. It was one of those things I needed to do, just to get some air and some prespective. Also found out that my best friend Alain is visiting from New York this weekend. Yeah on Friends and Family weekend nontheless but to see him and catch up with him will be so great.

I'm trying to buoy my spirits even though today it ended up being on the low side of things. I will admit that I terribly miss Joe quite a bit. Knowing that the Chicago Marathon is coming up and reading about the up and coming Democratic National Party star, U.S. Senate candidate from Illinois Barak Obama, and my co-worker Leslie lending me Chicago Magazine's 100 best things in Chicago (kind of like the Best of the Bay thing in San Francisco Magazine or The San Francisco Bay Guardian) just hits me. Speaking of Barak Obama, the Republican Party of Illinois is shitting bricks trying to find a formidable opponent. Their candidate of choice, Jim Ryan, pulled out once allegations of him forcing his ex-wife to go to sex clubs during their marriage (she filed for divorice because of this and other things) got out of hand. They tried former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka who is now peddaling some drug for erectile disfunction and he refused. Now they are trying to get two time Presidential candidate Alan Keyes. I think what they want is some black against black race. Moreso, they just can't stand to have the Senate tip over to the Democratic side of things or in Obama's words, "a blue state" (I'm referring to his Convention Speech which I will later put a link to). I think a real triple crown and a wet dream for a liberal Dem like me is if the White House, the House and the Senate turn into true blue houses of Democratic power. Now wouldn't that be nice.

Baptism By Sweat and Tears

I went for my usual therapy session with Kishi tonight. Next week will be my last session with her at the current place she is practicing at. She is moving to another clinic in the City and not starting her new position until the middle of September. I'm thinking of continuing with her but right now, I feel like where things are in certain aspects of my life, there isn't much for me to do.

Take my situation with Joe for example. There's only so much that I can do. I can't make room in his life for me nor try to alleviate all his pain and suffering. All I can do right now that is right for me and him is to let him be. It's so hard for me because I feel like I have given up, I have lost. I feel like at times that if he has shut down, I should do the same. Yet, my friends have told me to leave it open, to not give up and shut it down. Kristen Armstrong, Lance Armstrong's ex-wife, used to light candles in any church she went to (she's Catholic). I did the same for a time with one of my ex-boyfriends, Calvin. I haven't stepped into a church lately and lit candles for my own devotions but maybe it's time again. I feel like in situations like these, all you can really do is leave it up to God.

I ended up crying quite a bit tonight but as soon as I got home, I put on a pair of shorts and my reflective windbreaker and went for a quick run up Dolores Park to Noe Valley back down to the Castro and back to my home in the Mission. I needed the sweat and the pain to remind me that I still am alive, to regain that feeling I had a few days ago when I went cycling with Shelly and Harper. My heart is reminding me to cry as much as I can at this point in time. I know there's a part of me that so wants to just get over mourning but I think mourning is one of those processes that does have a time limit- you just don't know what it is exactly. I realize there is a big chunk of my heart where Joe used to be. It hurts so fucking bad. I still find myself crying at night when I'm alone in my bed. I wonder through all this distance, does Joe feel my love, my caring, my suffering in the sense that I worry for him because I want him to be OK?

Maybe this is a moment where I do walk by my faith in God and all things possible and not by sight.

Just Fucking Pissed Off

I got a chance to watch Farenheit 9/11 the new Michael Moore documentary that is causing so much of a stir. It wasn't until now when I got the time and the finances go to see a movie. After all, I really forgot when was the last time I saw a flick. I think it was Kill Bill, Volume II which was a little before the March For Women's Lives. As I was the images on film and thought about what was said and presented, it just made me more angry and sick that I just want to get rid of the current president in chief or thief as I would like to say. To practically rig the election, have access to all that money and influence at the expense of others lives is just sick. And the heartbreaking thing is that those who have valiently served in the military during the past few years, few are getting the benefits and the pay that they deserve. I mean, these are folks, including my Uncle Mel who couldn't make it to Lolo's funeral because he's in Iraq right now, who gave their lives and themselves to serve their country and you can't even give them descent health care and benefits and pension? Cutting soliders pay, closing veteran hospitals, hiking the fees for prescription drugs for veterans. Now that is a fucking crime.

Funny thing is that the elite of this country of ours do not know what sacrafice for one's country is. They evade it, usually going into an Ivy League tower university and ending up working for a company Daddy has built up, not raising the sleeves on their Italian cotton woven shirts to work a hard assed bone tired wage to make ends meet. Or to even enlist because they know that they can see the world rather than the devestation of their communities plagued by economic ruin and violence, knowing that they have to pay their dues to Uncle Sam before setting foot into a university system. And to disenfranchise a whole race who put their lives on the line during the Civil Rights Movement to have the power to vote and have their voice to be heard only to be shut down. I so loved Congresswoman Maxine Waters when she was addressing a joint session of Congress that would certify that George W. Bush as President of the United States. Any member of the House of Representatives could bring forth objections to the decision put in question which is to put in George W. Bush as the 43rd President of the United States so long as if at least one Senator supports those objections. To the members of the Black Congressional Congress, it was a rather somber day because with those objections, no Senator did not back them up. Congresswoman Waters said in response if a senator backed up her objections, she fired of, "I don't care if a Senator backed them up or not." in her no sass manner. What heartened me was the late Congresswoman Patsy Takemoto Mink from Hawaii also put in her objections in support of her African American colleagues. Many of the voters from predominately African American communities in Florida were turned away from the polls in the November 2000 elections. Now that really sucks you know.

But watching this movie made me a little more angry. Angry enough that I really do need to do something to make sure Bush doesn't go for a second term. One of my favorite sayings that I saw at Magnet, a community health center in the Castro that has a huge magnetic board with all these colorful letters of the alphabet where people can make words and messages, goes something like this:

Remember in November to abort a first term President from the White House.

I'm pondering at the idea to volunteer at Planned Parenthood Golden Gate for some voter outreach efforts. I need to still check my schedule in doing so.

So I guess my political activism muscles are going to get much needed exercise from now until November.

Politically Atrophied

A few years back, I was the rabid political junkie, wanting to get every part of politics in my blood. For me, a weekend meant precinct walks trying to convince voters to vote for a particular candidate or take a stand on a particular issue. Weeknights were phone banking nights doing the same thing. And the few days before election day were these crazy all nighters where you just were in this frenzy of activity. I read every major city newspaper as much as I can, trying to get the stances on people and ideas and issues, getting their viewpoints and just trying to soak it all in.

There is a certain energy in political activism. Like any other activity, too much of it will just zap all of your energy and leave you burnt out and jaded. I felt that after the 2000 elections. I wanted to do something different. It was more of I wanted something a little more stable. Thinking back, I wasn't as focused as I thought I was. In fact, I was so scatterbrained, wanting to do it all.

The older I get, the more I understand that trying to do everything all in a short period of time doesn't mean as much. I'm not sure how many years I am allotted on this time on earth. Yet, I know that I have to make the best of it. The time out of political activism to focus on athletic pursuits have done me a wonder of good though athletic pursuits don't exactly pay the rent unless you're a gifted athlete and that you have a lot to prove just to get the an endorsement. However, I know that my athletic pursuits are adding a few more healthy years into my life so I think I'll live long enough to do as much as I would like to do.

Lately, I've been reading a number of blogs and I slowly want to try to get some issues into my entries and ponder over them. For me, my important issue of the day is reproductive justice, making sure that there is access to abortion and birth control and accurate sexual information. Sex is one of those biological functions that certain people and cultures make it sound so shameful and bad. Sex is a beautiful thing I tell you yet it can be used as a weapon to cut up one's soul if crafted right. You think of perpatrators that use sex to control people. You think of social conservatives that spin sex as a nasty evil thing (think of the mother in the Stephen King's movie Carrie) that injects guilt and shame to poison even the most best natured of hearts. Sometimes mistakes are made and therefore you need access to birth control so that women and men can have the freedom to do what they want in their lives. Women should have the option whether or not to have children and not to be shamed if the do not choose to have children. I believe that every child is a really wanted child. What does boggle me is when folks are so against abortion and birth control and accurate sexual education are the same folks that make laws harder for people to adopt and supporting after school programs and health programs for single mothers. I'm sure that there are many people who would love to adopt a child but laws and red tape and socially conservative legislators are making it so hard for people to do so. Lately, I have read Casey's journal and John (Casey's partner) is pondering the idea of adopting a child. Here are two wonderful men in a very committed relationship with a home and a lot of love to offer, a wonderful enviroment for a child. But since the couple is not a man and a woman, according to some, they cannot adopt or their environment is not good for the child.

I've also gotten a chance to read my friend Haper's blog and she was talking about the Democratic National Convention which I sadly missed. I would have loved to watch it on television and to get the speeches of Barak Obama and the 12 year old girl from Oakland who started Kids for Kerry, a group that gets kids to encourage the adults in their lives to vote for John Kerry for president. Though John Kerry has not taken huge stands on certain issues such as same sex marriage, he still is a much much better choice than our current president.

I'm just a little nervous about November. I do hope that John Kerry does win the presidency. I don't want to even think about the next four years under George W. Bush who has made my country such a joke in the world's eyes and my life not a whole lot better. I don't happen to be in that small group that gets a tax break because I don't make more than six digits a year. I don't see the economy getting better. And I wonder if my friends that depend on certain programs to help them go thorugh the day to day life of someone with AIDS will be able to live, hoping that these programs will not shut down due to lack of government funds because Bush takes a more conservative stand on HIV and AIDS. I want jobs to still stay in the U.S. to help feed and take care of those folks here and not ship them out overseas because it's cheaper for big corporate America. I want public schools to be great again and to convince those like my ex boyfriend Joe that I don't have to spend so much for a good quality education (I am proud to say that I am a product of public schools- I don't really count the two years of Catholic school I was exiled to in my junior high years). Yes I do want us to be safe and secure but not at the expense of making this big bad war machine and producing weapons to prove it.

So I do wonder if my political muscles are active again. I don't read as many dailies as I used to probably because I don't really trust the media with all the media consolidation and major dailies are now more conservative and right winged leaning. I save my energy for causes that I do believe in and now, I think about what next I would love to do. Law school, yes.

Cycling Back To Life

Shelly, Harper and I went out into the overcast San Francisco morning and crossed the bridge into Marin County where it was still overcast and did the Nicasio loop, the good old 77 miles into West Marin. Let me tell you, it was the best thing that I have done in weeks. Just feeling the mist of the fog in my face, breathing in fresh air, seeing green trees and calm reservior waters and the creek running through Samuel Taylor Park, and the lovely comraderie of Harper and Shelly just lifted up weeks of built up stress and tension. Though my sitbones ended up hurting in the end and I was struggling to keep up during Jen's yoga class tonight, after eating a bowl of turkey chili and a piece of bread and some frozen yogurt with fruit for dessert and a shower, I felt like a new woman.

Both running and cycling give me time to really think but with a bike, I can go out of my zone for long distances for a long time and get me out of the environment of the things that can stifle my thoughts, my spirit of doing things and getting them done. Running gives me a chance to take things slowly, to look at things closely and to know a place on a more intimate level. In cycling, I can think of so many different things at different times- song lyrics, memories, questions yet to be answered.

Harper and Shelly advised the same thing as my pace group- keep Joe at bay for awhile, take care of me, revisit when the time is right. Somehow that is an easier pill to swallow rather than just say "Fuck you" to Joe and cut him off severely. All I can really do is pray for him and I'm actually pondering of going back to my practice of lighting candles in church and praying for Joe. I have to remind myself that it's not my role or in my power to take away his pain and stress and the things that have sapped the life out of him. In looking at my LiveStrong bracelet, I have to remember to first and foremost, live strong for myself. In a way, Joe needs me to be strong for my sake and in the sense, I have to be strong for the both of us. I know that right now, I may not be strong enough to pull him through whatever storm he is facing but I know that I want him to be OK and to make sure that he is and whatever it takes in God's hands, he will be OK.

I can't say that there is a guarantee that he might find his way back to me. That is up to time and higher powers to determine. And right now, it's not really prudent to put all that energy into this.

Total Relief

You wouldn't believe how relieved I feel right now. The fact that now I have two roommates to complete the household here in my beloved apartment in the Mission once again has brought a big weight off my shoulders. Sylvia came at the 11th hour (literally) and she finally accepted this afternoon bringing a much needed weight off my shoulders.

When it comes to concerns regarding one's survival (health, finding food or shelter), there is an unbelievable amount of stress put on the soul of that person struggling to find the most basic needs. I found myself in this predicament a few years ago when a roommate suddenly moved out on me, leaving me to pay rent for the apartment and scrambling to find a place to live. However, I do believe that there is a higher power up there that gives us the challenges we know we are able to overcome even though it may seem very daunting to us at first. I also believe that the people that love and care about us think the best for us and make sure that gets translated to whatever we need in our lives.

I know when I find myself at very crucial situations, everything else goes on hold. Like yesterday, I put my running on hold. I've actually put it on hold for the last two weeks and cycling the last three weeks. The only thing that has been somewhat active is yoga and that is barely enough for me to keep stress free. Now that I have a bigger space, I'm thinking of incorporating yoga into an everyday practice aside from the classes I take. Now that this weight is off my shoulders of finding roommates, I am so ready to ride that Shelly, Harper and I are going to attempt a Nicassio loop tommorrow morning. I am so looking forward to the place in Woodacre that makes incredible breakfast sandwiches and seeing the reservior out in the summertime.

New roommates, new room, lots of junk to get rid of. I have been placing things into my new room one by one since Sasha who is taking over my room will not be moving until later in August. I look at the cans of tennis balls that have yet to be opened. I'm wondering when will I take up tennis again and this time for myself instead of trying to catch a boy's interest. I wonder what to do with all the past journals I have written. Do I burn them or do I keep them? I think most of the date back to four years ago. Then there's clothes to get rid of and other things as well. All this to think of as I get ready for a new month.

I read in last month's Oprah Magazine that July is a month of expirmentation, of change. This past July surely was that to its word. Experimenting with different yoga studios, trying out other runs with the San Francsico Road Runners, getting used to my new position, Lolo's death, finally opening up to Joe and seeing the results, finding roommates. Now I wonder what August brings, the height of summer. Here in San Francisco, August is a rather cold month with the fog and the overcast. Soon the summer fruits and vegetables will give way to fall varieties. School will start again which reminds me to register for conversational Tagalog classes at City College. Marathons coming up. Getting new training ride leaders for the ALC 4 season coming up.

But finally celebrating the relief that I finally found people to make my house a home again.