The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Funny how a week before, I wonder if I will get out of my funk, my blues and shake off all the weight from my shoulders from all the stuff going through my mind. After doing a few things such as writing out all my fears of turning in my law school applications and fee waivers on paper, it seems like all the fear and demons started melting away one by one. And yet, Ma and Pop officially cut me off (but somehow they sometimes slip me some financial help which I don't understand at times), I know that I will be OK and supported. Just this week, Jenny, my manager, told me about a full time opening at Gap for their cashroom.

I told Kishi my fears about applications and somehow towards the end of the session, I had some inner courage that got me through the stuff I didn't want to go through. I totally found myself getting through all those applications and just really focusing. And it's all coming together in a way I can't really decribe into words. Just seeing all that hard work and editing just coming together. After lots of tears, fears, evaluations, self criticism, self doubt, donuts, running, cycling, writing and more writing and even more writing, just putting the applications together with their respective statements. I can't believe this is all happening! It's a high that is so much better than the one that I had after my 24 mile run a few weeks ago or me finishing all of AIDS/ LifeCycle this year or even finishing all of Day 3 with no dehydration!

I will admit that distractions at times can be a bitch. And right now, I'm thinking of one in particular. There's this guy at work that sort of looks like Joe but only a tad bit shorter, a little more muscular and a good 8 years younger. The only thing I want from John is sex and nothing else (yes, I have evolved into Samanatha Jones ala "Sex in the City"). However, when I told Alvaro, another co-worker, that I wanted sex with John because he reminds me of Joe, Alvaro told me to really think about this.

Sure I would love that carnal pleasure of some guy giving me hot kisses and a throbbing dick and to lick my pussy too to find the center of this Pinay pop. But as I was heading from work to the library to print out stuff, I saw this high school couple getting cute and affectionate. It made me think of the times Joe and I would hold hands in public and sometimes steal a quick kiss on the corner. I even think about the times I have phone sex recently with someone and what I would think about is Joe doing all these things that the guy is telling me about. But the difference in wanting raw, carnal sex with John and phone sex sex with Andy and making love with Joe is that there's this certain element, this feeling that is undescriable like finishing the law school applications that come with making love to someone you really love and care about.

Out of all the schools I am applying to, I am secretly pushing for Boalt. I want to stay in the Bay Area, I kind of want to get out of the City for awhile, I miss the cycling trails to Tilden Park and through the Berkeley and Oakland Hills, I want to be part of a big spirited university and say that I'm a Golden Bear and boo and hiss at Stanford fans. And yes, there is a part of me that wants to connect with Joe and his alma mater that he is so proud of. Just as much as I want to ride the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier and look out towards the west of Chicago just to find that place where he grew up- South Side, Wheaton, Lisle, Naperville...that whole place where Joe called home for the first 18 years of his life. Maybe in this, I'm hoping for some sort of connection, for some sort of understanding where he has shut me out from his life for now. Who knows when he will open back up to me or if ever he will.

But have I moved on? In a sense, yes. I'm looking forward to just sleeping in and not having to train for awhile (come January training starts again for LifeCycle). I'm looking forward to just recovering my hip and running just for fun and not being competive about it. I'm looking foward to this new opporunity perhaps at Gap. I'm looking forward to finding out results from these applications. I'm looking foward to the marathon. In terms of the relationship department, that is on hold. I'm just looking for someone to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of my Pinay pop (i.e. I just want sex).

It will be OK. And yet again, I still am strong and I still belong.

Becoming Unstuck

There has been a lot going through my mind this past week, actually this past few months where I have litreally become stuck in a lot of aspects. I right now need to just get myself going through a lot of stuff, things that I may not really like about myself or my life.

I know deep down inside, I'm not happy. I've been carrying so much baggage and guilt about so many things and my relationships. It has gotten to the point where the only escape right now from all this is running. But soon, I will be done with my marathon and must rest up from my injury.

I know it's all up to me to be unstuck. But what can I do at times to get out of it? How will I be able to get out of it? Is it possible at all to get out of it?

New Memories

I was running from San Francisco to Tiburon this morning with a few other SF Road Runners for our final long run before our respective marathons. Most of us are running the Chicago Marathon. Some are training for the Humbolt Marathon a week after Chicago. One woman was training for the Nike Women's Marathon towards the end of October. I thought about doing the half marathon but got turned off when I found out that men can run it as well (I thought it was ALL women, like the Cinderella Bike Classic, a metric century out in Dublin where it's only women and girls that can ride. Guys aren't even ALLOWED on the course).

As I was running, I thought about a lot of things on the way to Tiburon. I still hold dear the memories I have with Joe. But I do wonder how long do they carry you for before you're ready to have your heart to give to someone else to make new memories? As the nights begin to grow colder and the holidays are approaching (for goodness sakes, Macy's already has Holiday Lane all set up and ready for business), I get this tinge of loneliness. It hit even harder tonight as I woke up from a long nap to go out to eat. I ended up heading to Russian Hill to Cordon Bleu, one of my favorite Vietnamese places for some 5 spice chicken, country salad and rice with meat sauce. Usually I would only eat half the plate but being so hungry, I ate the whole thing. And I walked up a block to get a donut from Bob's and took the California Cable Car to the Embarcadero BART station to home. A rather uneventful evening one thinks.

It would have been nice to have someone cook dinner for you and just let you be for the rest of the day. I so remembered when Joe took me to lunch after one of my long runs last year. Just having him there, a solid person to lean on.

Am I ready to let in some new memories? Perhaps. But I'm not ready to get back into the dating pool. I just know that the memories I have with Joe can carry me so far. I still have the moments where I just gasp in awe by the thought of him and yes, the hint of sadness when I talk about him is still there. I do tear up when I think of him. I just know right now that I'm not ready to let in anyone in my life at this point. Not when I don't know where things are going to be a few months from now. The thought of leaving the City by this time next year, law school or not, is becoming stronger and stronger. I don't know where I would go from there. I'm not too sure.

Waiting In Vain

Although I don't really like Anne Lennox's second album, "Medusa" as much as her latest album, "Bare" and her first effort, "Diva", there is one song that I do like on that track. I'ts a remix of the Bob Marley tune, "Waiting In Vain." This song was played in the movie "Serendiptiy" which I liked quite a bit especially two years ago when I was living in at the Baltimore Way house and we had cable. It was playing on the cable stations quite a bit and it was my friend Rose's favorite movie as well. The scene where they played "Waiting In Vain" happened to show a sequence where the female main character (I forgot the actress who played her) goes from her counseling office in North Beach to the Ferry Plaza and she takes the Ferry out to Marin.

As I got the CD and listened to the song for quite a bit, a few nostalgic memories come up. The song reminded me of the months after AIDS/ LifeCycle 1, the time when Paul withdrew from speaking to me, the time of Grandma's death and pretty much the breaking point when Ma and I weren't speaking to each other. I remembered that fall where I was wondering where I would be job wise and wasn't really sure what direction I wanted to take. I was indeed waiting in vain for Paul to open up to me even though he hadn't to tell you the truth.

But now the waiting in vain is different. Fast foward two LifeCycles later and fall coming up soon around the corner. The waiting in vain this time is for Joe and wondering if he will open up. I remembered one time when we went to Esperpento for dinner over in the Mission, Joe admitted to me that being around me made him open up a lot, a lot more than he would even wish to admit. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing because the complete opposite is occuring where the more he is around me, the less he wants to open up.

Now do you wait or do you just go on without them?

I'm trying my best to recall the last happy memory I had with Joe. Somehow, it has been harder to remember because it was so long ago. I'm trying to recall a day where I smiled at the thought of him, not cried in tears of frustration, anger, sadness or pain. I'm wondering is it time for me to just give it up, turn it loose? To just let Joe go in his own way.

I'm trying my best to recall the last happy memory I had period. These days have been ladened with a lot of stress and frustration and worry. I find myself praying so much that I wonder if the pleas I have fall on the deaf ears of higher powers. I even thought about just giving up, just forgetting a lot of my own dreams so that I could be comfortable, happy.

When will the problems die, the loneliness subside and the pain just go away? I know that right now, this too shall pass but when?

Body Rebelling

Lately, I will admit that I have been really tired. I guess it's a lot of the stress that is getting to me. Most of the time, I would want to crawl into bed and just sleep all day but somehow, there is something inside me that just kicks me to do things- study Tagalog, law school applications, running, working, etc. I even find myself wanting to just gorge on something junky but my body now being pretty well trained to eat healthy stuff is rebelling. For example, I would find myself wanting a Big Mac from McDonalds (OK, something must really be wrong because I wouldn't crave that when I am not so stressed or when I'm happy) or even my favorite ice cream flavor, Safeway Select's Mississippi Mud Pie and when I would get to McDonalds or Safeway, it doesn't sound so appealing. That's when I come home and I find something already there to munch on or to eat. I also find myself that way with snacks as well. Somehow a sample of chips are fine but not a whole bag. A few balls of either Milky Way Bullets or Snickers bullets are fine but not the actual bar itself.

I thought of this as I was going to the Fairy Building this morning for some produce. In all these attempts to find someone to just get over Joe via craigslist (either posting or rummaging through to reply), I'm just finding some solid rock when I haven't found stable ground just yet. And I wonder, in my attempts to find stable ground in the form of going to law school and taking my activist and political endeavours there, am I falling behind. Now Darcy, the woman I celeberated my 30th birthday with (our birthdays are a day apart) and someone from my Redlands High School days, has now fallen into the ranks of the married, suburbanized and babyized category. She left the City with her husband to Fremont since it was closer to San Jose (I don't consider San Jose a city; it's more of a blanket of suburban areas) and is 4 1/2 months pregnant. Now I'm wondering where the fuck am I going to fit in this balance. The only one of my friends who are pretty much urban and single are Jeanne, Rachel and Shelly. Rachel is in a relationship, Shelly isn't finding someone to date for the time being and neither is Jeanne.

I will admit that losing Joe was almost like losing hope. Why I put so much into Joe is because he's pretty much someone that knows my own experience as an Americanized Pinay- pretty much brought up mainstream amongst Caucasians and not learning Tagalog as a youth. I'm trying my hardest to make it up in Dr. Paz's Tagalog classes at City College. It might be my saving grace. Yet, I do want to find someone who knows that this part is important to me as much as anything in my life. I wonder if I will still believe, find hope again in this little bits of despair.

Maybe I am stronger than I think. In the times I want to give up and succumb, I find myself kicking myself into gear and somewhat finishing and completing. Strange...

Maybe not.

A Run For The Roses?

With Cal's football team starting the season at number 13 in the polls, I read somewhere that rumors are abuzz that Cal, if pulled off correctly, could go to the Rose Bowl this year, the first time in 56 years.

The Rose Bowl. The coveted New Year's Bowl game. And being in a kid growing up in Southern California, you watched Stephanie Edwards and Bob Ewbanks give the play by play on the floats that passed through Colorado Blvd in front of the Norman Simon Art Museum. You've even went down to Pasadena a few days before the parade to stick flowers and seeds and pedals onto floats. You and your best friend, both of you in marching band, would wake up, watch the parade and wish for the day that the two of you would march down Colorado Blvd and envied the high school bands you competed with on field competitions that actually got that honor. You even thought of applying to USC because their marching band was cool and that was the only reason why you would apply. You showed this New Year's Day morning tradition after the two you you braved the rain to get breakfast down the street after a night of just sleeping on the couch and wishing that you could wake up in his arms like you did before. You remembered that evening where the night before, the words tearing at each other yet at the same time, he wanted to be with you on that New Year's night, just to wish 2004 well. However, when you thought all was well and he let you in, he still kept you at bay, at arm's distance as he drove through the wet streets and sheets of pouring rain to your work.

Still to this day, you are wondering when those rosy days of love are still there or if they are now gone forever from that corn fed midwestern boy that you are still in love with.

Yet Another Split in the Road

So I spent this afternoon calling various folks I haven't talked to in a long time. I did get in touch with a friend, Darcy. She just got married for the second time this spring and a lot of changes occurred since we last spoke to each other since AIDS/ LifeCycle. She moved, got a new job and is 4 1/2 months pregnant. There was this static in the air, this somewhat akward pause in between us. Before I got around to asking her about the sex of the baby, the line went dead. She didn't call me back.

Suddenly I am transported back two years ago around the time when Andrea and Bern were supposed to get married. I was hurt that she didn't send me a wedding invite nor kept correpsondence. No forwarding address, no nothing. Only news of her was just doing some search on Google and finding out that she is now a mother thanks to the La Leche League bulletin board.

The fact that women my age and even younger are moving away from the City, getting married and having children is a foreign concept. I'm still getting my own life together, applying to law school and just trying to do my usual athletics and slogging through my job. It seems like the only women who are still around as friends are my single ones, some in relationships, some not in relationships but not settled down nor in the suburbs.

I vocalized my latest fears stemming from Ma and Joe regarding law school to my friend Jen who is in her first year at McGeorge College of Law. She too shared the same fears and resistance from her father and her mother and it was her stepmother that planted the seed of possibility that she could be a lawyer. It was so many other people in my life that planted that seed in me and helped me believe. Now if only I could hold onto that really tightly as I go through the applications.

Tonight at work when I was talking to my co-worker Christina about Joe, she pointed out that I had this really sad look on my face when I mentioned him. Even though I am dating other people and seeing what is out there, the feelings for Joe are still just as strong as they were a year ago. Sometimes when I pass by my roommate Sacha's room, there is that distinct smell of "boy", something that was mixed in with the AIDS/ LifeCycle 2 victory shirt that I still have in my drawer, that mix of Downey, deteregent, aftershave, some colonge mixed with some sort of citrus and woodsy smelling. A smell that tugs you, overcomes you and takes you back to those days, let alone the start of both the NFL and NCAA football season, sports that he really took interest in. The cross country runners you saw the other week running through the park at Speedway Meadow reminds you of his high school cross country stories. All this combined with the reality of applying to law school makes you tear up and wish for him once again, that strong lean frame and easy smile. All the things that make you melt and wish for that once and again, making you want to believe that you can fall in love once again.

The one thing that I want to do in Chicago is go on the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier, the one built for the World's Fair. As I want to ride on that tall Ferris Wheel, I want to see all of Chicago, its beauty, its slpendor. And maybe, if I look far enough, I could see Naperville, Wheaton, Westmont, the South Side...all these places that were once part of his life, his being, his soul. I want to see that whisp of that bispecaled Filipino boy that wore his orange Snoopy cap and built snow forts two stories high, the same boy who ate pancit in his aunt and uncle's apartment in the South Side and would curl up in a ball and sleep in the dining room chairs when he got too full. I want to see the roads that he would pound the pavement through during track and cross country season. Please take me back to that place where I can understand him once again. Where I can communicate. Where I can come back into his open arms to be held once again.

I so want to believe you once again. I want you to trust and believe in me too. I so want to believe that I can love like I did with you.

Moving Forward

So back to the motivation again on some things. Hip is acting a little funny from the usual run this morning. Finally shelled out the bucks for the Tagalog class at City College. A breakfast date for Sunday with another craigslist person set. Got the hair chopped (who would have thought that Supercuts would do a pretty good job). Finally started reading again- buckled down and got a copy of Barack Obama's memoirs about his father.

Ask me later about my finances. *sigh*

And This Too Shall Pass...

I really do hope that all the stuff that is happening right now will pass. I know eventually it will but right now, I don't see it.

What is getting me down the most these days is my financial state. I'm not happy with a lot of things right now to tell you the truth. I just wonder if I will get out of this hole of a lot of things.

Most of the time, I just want to cry. Even though I do reply to a few of the craigslist responses and even have gone out a few times with some, the pain of missing Joe just hurts really badly. And now that I'm embarking on turning in law school apps and coming face to face with one of the biggest decsions in my life, knowing that I don't have the support of my family and the person that I love the most not being there just hurts like a motherfucker.

If only the tears would stop as well as the hurting.

Hipster Happenings

Good news folks- the hip is better. The hip, oh yes, the right one where I fell on after I slipped on a banana peel about a week and a half ago, is all better. After icing it after my run on Saturday, I ended up running rather comfortably and quite strong today in this head ladened Indian Summer here in the City. I think I might have gone a good 22 to 23 miles. I somewhat got lost on the route sheet I snagged from a SFRRC run.

I also think that somewhat tipping forward to move forward helped me recover. Let me explain. During my days of Bikram yoga, during one of the poses where you go from tree pose to a toe stand, you somewhat tip forward to get from one pose to the other. Even the gesture of just tipping forward gives you the idea that it is possible to go into the more advanced pose. I did that yesterday doing my own gesture in tipping forward in the dating life.

Went on a lunch date with some guy I met on craigslist. He was Filipino, City raised (came from the Philippines when he was a toddler) and has the most adorable dog. I wasn't uncomfortable- in fact, I had fun as we ate lunch at this Vietnamese place in the Inner Richmond and went out to Land's End with his good natured dog. I just felt that I wasn't sure or even ready to yank Joe out of my heart. I know I don't have to and that is not necessary to do so.

Maybe I shouldn't worry about this right now and just do whatever, right?

Leaving The City?

Honestly, the thought did cross my mind yesterday. I wasn't thinking about law school either as I was carting my laundry home from Star Wash, my local laundrymat where this time instead of me schleping my laundry and detergent and cussing myself through the process (I really don't like to do laundry), I had Olga, the owner of Star Wash, do a nice wash and fold. Plus the past few weeks have been a rather low energy so any little bit of help counts. I was thinking of just leaving San Francisco and even leaving the Bay Area altogether. The thoughts of going to some new place, maybe the Midwest or even going back to the East Coast or maybe the safe haven of Southern California (why I refer to it as a safe haven- maybe at that time I was under the dilusion of Indian Summer here in the City), just ran through my head.

Yet the events of today just somewhat jolted me back to why I call the Bay Area home. Hopping onto BART and getting off in downtown Oakland, a place that was once home but is no longer and walking down to Jack London Square just brought some memories. Seeing the Farmer's Market on Sunday where I would get kettle corn and fruit before clocking in a waitressing shift at Tony Roma's. The sight of DeLaurer's book and newstand where I would get my dailies that I don't read as much anymore- The Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, The San Francisco Chronicle, The Sacramento Bee. I miss living near Lake Merrit and running around the lake in the mornings. I miss the various number of places I could go on my bike. I miss taking BART and hanging out in downtown Berkeley. I miss 10pm Sunday Mass at Newman Hall over at the Cal Berkeley campus where the only light was candlelight. I miss finding places for good soul food. I knew where to go- West Oakland off of San Pablo Blvd. and down East 14th Street past 66th Avenue and the Colosieum. Yes, a little on the edgy side of town but good places for BBQ, fried fish and sweet potato pie. I have yet to find soul food places in the City- I figured you would find them in the Western Addition and Bayshore. Something to ponder.

Then I think of my friends- my Life Cycle friends, my SF Running Club friends, the instructors and people I have met through yoga, my co-workers at Banana Republic, my longtime friends who have made the Bay Area their home or still come back to the Bay Area on occasion. Then I think about the places where I hang out and have made them part of my own home and experience- Star Wash Laundrymat, Taqueria Can Cun, Eastern Bakery, Tartine Bakery, Bi-Rite, the various farmer's markets and all the vendors I have bought produce from in the last few years, my favorite bookstores, Pancho Villa Taqueria...all these things, can I leave behind? I know that I might find things that are special and unique and cool in other cities and localities but maybe not finding that same sense of community and fun.

For now, I will stay in the Bay Area. Tommorrow, I might leave on a jet plane and maybe won't know when I'll come back again.

Certainty and Uncertainty

One of my former friends once told me that certain things aren't guaranteed. Such as relationships for one.

A year ago when I put up the personal ad on craigslist after stuff between me and Paul fell out, I didn't expect to meet someone like Joe and totally fall in love and somehow, the very idea of the two of us settling down, getting married and having a family would cross both of our minds and scare the fucking shit out of both of us.

I kind of wondered why I put out the ad on craigslist this time. Maybe I was expecting the same sort of luck to occur that I had last year. Yet, that is not sure. Just as the same as if things will settle down jobwise. Or if the economy will get better soon. Or if George W. Bush will serve another four more years (God forbid). Or if I will get into law school and which one.

That is something with me and Joe right now. There is some sort of uncertainty with us right now that underlies our relationship right now. Neither of us know where things will go. Joe is more uncertain than me. But more certain that he can't commit to me as much as he would really love to.

I'm not sure who took the breakup harder- me or him. I know that he took it hard because he admitted that he felt like he totally failed where I ended up straying and just making out with someone else. I took it hard because it was my mistake that ended it. In the end, both of us just took it really hard. I still do.

I honestly will admit that I put the ad as something where I felt like someone else could get rid of all my thoughts and feelings and anything towards Joe. Something to distract me from the fact that our relationship is in limbo. I don't know if I should consider it dead or gone. That is more of an uncertainty than anything. I know there is a part of me that wants to commit to Joe but at the same time, there's a part of me that is not so sure about Joe. Could I really commit myself?

One Year Later

Funny how time really does fly and you find yourself in the same place as you were a year ago.

It was a year ago that Joe and I went out on our first date. Dinner at Bagdad Cafe. Made out on a bench on top of Dolores Park with the City skyline in front of us, the Bay Bridge lit up like a Christmas tree and just the two of us getting to know each other and falling in love.

Funny that at this time this year, both of us are apart, on opposite ends of the City. Maybe a mile or less from each other but what seems like light years away from each other.

I thought that putting another ad on craigslist, the way I met Joe in the first place, could just ease the pain of our breakup, the fact that we can't resolve anything or put any closure. It just makes it all the more difficult because I still do care about him. I'm wondering when all the tears will dry up. I'm wondering when things will ever be resolved. It's still this big uncertaintly, just like the status of my job and wondering if I will be accepted to law school. All is uncertain, all is just questioning.

Part of me just wants all to be answered and just resolved. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to doubt and wonder if I can believe once and again. I just want to go back to the start, back to the beginning of you and me. I wonder how much Joe does know how much I love him, how much I need him.

If I were to go away right now, at this moment, would you care? If something were to happen to me, would you be concerned? Could you love me? Do you still love me?

Do you still believe, just like that little bispecaled kid back in Illinois that rode his bike and romped around in an orange Snoopy cap as he made snow forts two stories high?