Double Take

Just the other night, I got a little nosy and looked up Friendster to see if I could pull up John's profile. You know who I'm talking about- John, the guy at work that is practically a dead ringer for Joe. As John's profile came up, the photo on his profile kind of reminded me of Joe. It's a skinnier version of John before he got buffed up from working out and a good dose of protein. I took the time to read a little more about him via his profile and all his friend's testimonies. In a way, John embodies what I want in the good Filipino boy- one who works hard, has a good sense of humor, loves his family and keeps pretty healthy. In a way, it reminded me of Joe and his Midwestern upbringing. The funny thing is that looking at John's profile made me miss Joe even more.

I know at times I'm more focused on other stuff. But the grief is still there. I just know that there's nothing I can really do about Joe being gone. I know eventually that I have to let go of Joe altogether and stop blaming myself for all this. But how can I really put closure to this. I mean I really did hurt Joe from what I did. Maybe that's why he would never talk to me or want anything to do with me ever again. I tell you, I deserve every bit of pain and loss and grief from hurting him so much. I deserve never to have him or any other Filipino man in my life to love me ever again.

I will admit that I needed to go running this morning. Unlike most mornings, I felt all this pent up anger and frustration inside that I needed to get out. Mostly anger within myself and all this pain of being so lonely and taking a lot of blame for myself in how my relationship with Joe dissolved.

It's nice knowing that you have this instant access of getting rid of pent up anger. Although cycling does it sometimes, running just does the trick all the time. I think it's because running is a lot more physical and you just get a lot out of it in less than an hour. Cycling just changes the enviroment you are in. Both you still get a good workout.

I will admit that mostly I like working closing shifts. That way, I don't need to think about the pain in the evening and the loneliness. I just go home, check my e-mails, read if I wish and go to bed. Plus I have the day to just sleep to shut out the pain.

For so long I've been doing things to avoid all this pain and grief that I have in losing Joe. It has been almost a year now. I know that this will pass. Yet, I see me passing it and in the end, I am alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I don't deserve such love and caring from a very understand Filipino man since I feel like those rarely exist. Maybe God put Joe in my life to prove me that such a person exists. But maybe my bad deeds and my questioning of Joe's love for me had this occur where I am not with him.

So much was going through my head as I was running such a simple loop up 17th to Market to 18th and back. I figured that probably Joe hates me for what I have done to him and wants nothing to do with me. He probably rolls his eyes every time he sees my number on his caller ID or he deletes every e-mail I send. He probably deleted every e-mail I ever sent him. I just wish that I didn't have all this pain within my heart right at this time. I just wish that I could get rid of this grief and stop this blame game. When will it ever end?

eXpressive: 9/10
Practical: 7/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 3/10

You are a XPIT--Expressive Practical Intellectual Taker.

This makes you a Manager.You are cool, thoughtful and intelligent. Your approach and your sense of humor are under-the-radar, your charm is undeniable. You keep everything under control. You have distinctive vocal mannerisms. You may not have much interest in approaching strangers, but when you do, you are successful. You will probably end up with someone beautiful, fascinating and off-balance. While your partner may steal the limelight, it's you that keeps things running smoothly and provides stability in your relationship. If you are with someone as contemplative and hard-headed as you, you can have a tough time. Your greatest asset is that you tackle conflict as it rises -- you don't ignore it and let it brew. If you have a partner that *does* let it brew, it will make you crazy! You can find yourself fighting for two -- trying to anticipate your partner's needs and draw their feelings out -- which is exhausting and, well, not your job. You would never cheat. You would make an excellent spouse. When your spouse's friends met you, they would think, "Crap, why couldn't I get that one?"

Of the 140020 people who have taken this quiz, 6.2 % are this type.

Diagnosis not quite right? Now that you've taken the quiz, you can view the Relationship key. If you have any attributes that are on the cusp, check out the Relationship that complements that attribute (in other words, if you're an XPIT but only 6/10 Practical, take a look at XSIT.)But beware -- the Taker/Giver attribute is very strong in defining a Relationship type! A RPYT is very different from an RPYG! Write down what Relationship composite this quiz has given you, because viewing the key will erase your score.
XY-Sexy
IT-In control/can be controlling
XG-Good parent
RG-Good-natured/even keel
XP-Good at resolving conflict
RT-Trouble communicating
XSI-Honest to a fault
SG-People-pleaser

View Relationship Key

Law Schooled

So I made the trek up to Davis via Amtrak today to check out UC Davis Law School. I have to admit when I went for Boalt Hall's info session, even though there was a sense of trepidation and anticipation and wondering, "Will I get in?", there was a part of me that felt I belonged. The bustle of students coming and going, the energy around the student union and Sproul Hall especially on the last day to register to vote. Seeing a PALS poster, the very organization that Michelle and her friends started to provide support for Pilipino American law students at Boalt.

At Davis, the intimidation wasn't there. Everyone was pretty friendly and it pretty much oozed all over the place. So friendly that it made me wonder if everyone was on happy pills or put something in their water bottles on their bikes. Even though the area is bicycle friendly, NOBODY WEARS A HELMENT! Now this is coming from the AIDS/ LifeCycle training ride leader who has seen one too many crashes were if it weren't for the helment on one's noggin, they would be a vegetable or a cold body occupying a space in the morgue. I know Davis is close by a few cool farms that Farmer's Markets go out and trek to show off their veggies (Eatwell Farm being one of them) so that takes care of my Farmer's Market kick. I'm not sure if having a real small law class where everyone is up in your business is a cool thing. I think because I have a big city girl mentality now dominating my being, I like being an anomoly, to do my own thing, to be heard when I want to be heard. It's kind of like Michael J. Fox's character in the movie, Doc Hollywood, the story of a big city plastic surgeon who gets stuck in a small town since he has to repay to build something he busted with his flashy sports car. Then again, his character falls in love with the very cutey small town that he has to stay in.

But the whole decision of law school has stirred a lot in me. I know that I am planning to devote almost 110% of myself to the whole process of my first year even though the other two years are just as intense. I know I'm at a time in my life that I can't really waste time or even just put a few years of my life at a big firm to pay off debts because by the time I get out, I'm at the older end of my baby pushing age. Don't get me wrong, there's still part of me that is a little skeptical of having children. But these days, I really do and I think when I was with Joe, the idea of having a child seemed more realistic. Perhaps because he was the one I want to have the child with. Or even children.

I'm not too sure if planning too far ahead towards one's future is detrimental because you come into one of those unplanned situations such as falling in love and it happens to be at some odd crossroad in your life and you wonder, "What the fuck do I do with this? If I go with this, will things change? Will I lose my dream? My focus?" That is what happened when I fell in love with Joe. And now he's gone, does that moment come back again to present itself?

Grrrr...

Keep On Pushing...Things Are Gonna Get Better...

A verse from one of my favorite songs that I hear from time to time when I went to spin classes at the Oakland YMCA. And they certainly are.

I will admit that I'm in a bit of a slump. I haven't been really running since the marathon. I guess I just want to be a vegetable after I've put in so much time training. I still want to keep my girlish figure so I'll see how things are.

But aside from a little snafu at work, I think the transfer is on its way from Banana Republic to Gap. Then I got two fee waivers approved so far- USF and Boalt Hall. I swear, the fee waiver from Boalt Hall was what I needed. Now I got to see what is next in terms of where I get accepted.

I sent out the application to Northeastern the other day. I have now to finish NYU and UCLA. I'm sure I'll be able to send out applications by the end of October. I finally nixed the idea of going to Columbia. Now I have 2 extra LSDAS reports to spare. However, the thought of applying to yet another law school just makes me sick. I think I would rather have colonics done than to do one more application (after NYU and UCLA are sent out that is).

Had a long talk with Rose last night. She understood the pain I was going through with Joe. It's still something that I totally need to work out. At times I just want to be over Joe. But I wonder when will the pain end?

Feelin Good

Yeah, honestly I am feeling great lately. Maybe because I had a good interview at Gap Flood for a wonderful opportunity there in their operations department and cashroom. Maybe because I'm still on my high of doing a personal best in Chicago and knowing that I can go a lot faster and work on it. Maybe because I'm really moving forward on the second part of law school applications. Maybe because I know that things are going to be OK financially. Maybe I know that I am slowly letting go of my dream with Joe- being his girl once again. Maybe it's because I have a stocked fridge and cupboard. Maybe it's because I have clean clothes. Maybe it's because I have enough money for bills.

It seems like it's all coming together.

Then again, it is coming all together.

Who Owns Chicago? I DO BITCH!

I know it was a little shocking for such a statement but I ended up setting a personal best time of 4 hours and 46 minutes.

And yes I am sore and tired and I want to go in my own bed and sleep.

Much more tommorrow.

Chicago

Well, I'm pretty much on my way. Soon I will be on a jet plane over there in less than 12 hours. I just came from a going away party for one of my co-workers. I actually do welcome the trip as work and other things are getting me down and making me spin.

Kind of reminds me of a long bike ride with one hill after another and finding yourself with less gears and less water. I'm actually this close to leaving Banana Republic and just jumping ship with the Gap. I just want to get away from all this madness, this craziness. Maybe a fresh start with new people will help.

My first rejection for a fee waiver came from Georgetown University Law Center. Drats. Not exactly one of my top tier schools so I'm not shitting bullets. But enough for me to become concerned, to spin into that mire of doubt and self-questioning which I have stumbled upon lately.

I feel like every time I slip, I totally get all hard on myself to the point where I even question my own competence. I'm even questioning it right now as I go into the Chicago Marathon. I was hoping for a PR time but with the hip, it's questionable. It hasn't acted up lately so I'm fine. I might give myself until November to rest up so that I can seriously run again. But every level of competence is being questioned at this point in terms of every step and every measure. It makes me cry at times and boy did I feel it today after slipping up on a number of things. I just had to get out of there and just not be around people. I even didn't want to go out tonight but after getting the e-mail from Georgetown Law regarding my fee waiver, going out just made things a little better. I didn't sit and brood.

I will admit that there is a part of me that is wanting to find some sort of validation from someone that I really am a worthy person, that I do deserve every bit of my dreams and goals. I want that person to love and accept me the way that I am, not question every motive and shoot it down. I want someone to invest in me, to say, "I know you can do it. I believe in you."

Maybe that someone is a 31 year old Pinay living in San Francisco, born and raised in San Bernardino with a double major from UC Irvine who is a kick ass cyclist and runner and all around passionate person.

That someone is me.

However, I look at me and I really hate what I see. I hate being broke. I hate being stuck in this moment and wondering what to do next. I hate doubting and second guessing myself. I hate being so hard on myself especially regarding the decisions I have made in my life. I hate my job. I hate brooding roomates that are so cynical and moody. I hate my parents who just cut down my wishes and dreams and just don't flat out support me. I hate the rest of my family who thinks I have wasted my life. I just hate this.

Can there be anyone that truly loves me for me. Not just loves me because I'm smart and exotic looking. Not loves me because I'm supposed to give them great head and love them long time. I don't want to be a white boy's arm candy or anyone's pin-up girl. I want to be me- the smart, sassy, independent, speaks her mind, doesn't take shit, jocky, ambitious me.

Can anyone really embrace this? Put their arms around it with no trepidation? Will I be ever welcomed with open arms without judgement?

All I Want

All the pieces are coming together. Finally getting stuff for Chicago ready. The bag is just about packed, my last run in the City done. BART ticket to the airport and back purchased. Pretty much plans solidified with friends and running mates. Got some money in my pocket and books to read for the plane ride.

Just today, got an e-mail confirming that UC Davis School of Law got my application. Wow.

Saw Steve Ngo at Banana Republic today. He's working at Minami, Lee and Lew, a law firm in downtown notable for civil rights cases and stuff in the Asian American community. After I come back from Chicago, we're going to chit chat about law schools (Steve went to Hastings).

I pretty much avoid John these days in the stockroom. I guess after I turned in the applications, I realized that just trying to find someone that looks like Joe and to fuck him just to get over him isn't really a good thing. Nor is trying to find that cute brown Filipino guy in craigslists ads. It's a little sad, kind of toiling your life on a computer looking for work and love, something that my roommate Sacha is becoming an expert in. He kind of gets on my nerves, maybe because he fucking broods a lot and is just harsh and cynical. I read his novel that he was thinking of submitting. I honestly thought it was short of disturbing. Almost borderline, "Better Luck Tommorrow" without the murder scenes and references to the Stewart Tay case.

I'm honestly not sure where Joe and I see ourselves at this point. Not even in the next few months. If you were to ask me what things would be like with me and Joe even the next day, I would give you a blank look and shrug. Where do you go from there?

Searching For A Lad

In a few days, I'm flying off to Chicago to run the Chicago Marathon. I'm pretty excited about it but in the back of my head, there is still a part of me still looking, looking for the Joe that I once loved.

After the breakup, I noticed how Joe has been keeping me at arms distance. Lately he hasn't been the same person who would disclose a lot to me. I know I had really broken his trust. I'm afraid that I will never gain it back again. I'm not sure how long it will take to redeem myself to Joe for that one mistake.

I've realized that in looking at Craigslist ads and lusting over cute Filipino stockboys that it's no replacement to what I truly do miss. I don't know if my dating days are over with me being in my early 30s and still single. There's a part of me that wants to stay single so I can totally focus on law school and other things. Yet there's a part of me that is lonely. It isn't helping that the days are getting colder and the holidays are coming up. I remembered Joe and I spent Thanksgiving together and we exchanged gifts for the holidays. I still love him and want that magic that I had when we were together. Can it come back again? Will it be with him or someone else?

Giving Birth and Other Changes

No I wasn't pregnant and hid my pregnancy. The birth part refers to me finally sending off my law school applications today. Well, 6 out of 10 which isn't that bad. That makes it 60% of this process done. 4 more schools to go.

It feels like in the last few days or so, there has been a major paradigm shift in my life. It all started when I printed out all my personal statements and put them all together at Kinkos after work on Wednesday. The last 48 hours have been more or less getting the final touches. This morning I caught a major error in my personal statement which meant reprinting all my personal statements. A few lines to fill out here and there. Made copies of the stuff I sent out just in case they get lost in the mail. Then off to the Mission Post Office to send off the applications to their desitnations: Hastings, Boalt Hall, UC Davis, Santa Clara, USF, and Georgetown. Sending them off made me want to celebrate with a few donuts, a bag of chips and a can of pop (oh shit, now I sound like a Midwesterner!), the things I seldom engage in. It did a number on my body- I feel a little crappy and feel like I should drink my whole Nalgene water bottle full of water to detox.

Am I a little scared? Yeah provided that I'm hoping all these schools will give me some sort of break/ fee waiver.

Funny thing is that I want to keep going and just plug away at more applications. Yet, I have to remind myself to just take the night off from law school applications and just bask in the glow of finishing stuff up. It's like me wanting to run another marathon after doing one. I know that after the law school applications are done, I need to get another job just to get some funds to pay off some bills and work hard at that for the next few months. I'm most likely not going to start my intensive training for AIDS/ LifeCycle until after the first of the year. I'll still do some form of exercise but not be in the mindframe of having to train for something. I'll do a bike ride because I want to do a bike ride and run because I just want to run- the do stuff for fun mentality. My friend Peter who is the manager at Sports Basement Mission Bay told me that he just does sports stuff for fun. He used to train for a number of AIDS rides, triathalons and marathons. Now he's just chilling out and enjoying sports. I think that will be me. I just want my hip to be better and I'm just going to chill and hang out. Part of me wants to engage in a speed workout and really shave off my time so I can do a less than 10 minute mile. Another part of me wants to totally get into yoga flow and work on headstands and stuff like that. Then there's that part of me that wants to work really hard and get my finances in gear and in order. All in good time. I just have to make my overachieving self stand still.

As for other changes, sadly my yoga studio, Yoga Arts, has changed hands in owners. The new owners are changing it to an all Bikram format. But Jenn is still teaching at the James Howe Yoga Studio in Duboce Triangle and at Yoga Flow. I'm thinking about spending some time with Jenn's instructor, Rusty Wells. He's a pheonmenal yoga instructor and his classes are just great. With the holidays coming up, I just need to be mindful of all the flurry and stress that comes around it.

Fall is officially here. I saw pumpkins being sold, both the type you carve and make jack o'lanterns and the others you use to make for pumpkin pie. Mmmmmm...pumpkin pie. The air has that crisp taste of fall, like biting into an apple. The sun takes a little longer to rise and goes to set earlier and earlier. People are donning on scarves and hats which reminds me to get my woolen ALC cap out.

I just realized this as well. I am at my 100th journal entry. What a nice milestone to mark a major milestone in my own life. :)