Tea

Lately tea has been my de-stressor. Next to running of course. Lately I've been consuming tea every night. The last few nights I have been drinking more than usual to ward off the rather freezing temperatures that have been around. I ended up going to Borders during lunch to get a cup of tea to ward off the headache that I had. I ran into Son there and we chatted as we sipped tea. He re-assured me that it will take time before Joe comes around.

Speaking of which, I was talking about this in therapy this morning. I honestly feel that Joe doesn't even think about me and if he does, he's thinking very negatively. Kishi said that this assumption reflects how I feel about myself right now. I honestly don't feel too good about myself right now. I haven't been really feeling good about myself for a real long time. I know there are moments when I did this past year but ever since I broke up with Joe, I feel really cruddy where I really don't want a relationship with anyone else. I feel so horrible what I did to him. I just want him to put his arms around me and soothe me and wipe away all my tears that I have cried. I want him to hold me as I lay myself to sleep. I still want him to love me with the same amount of love and passion that he had when we were together.

Can we too be retrosexual- where we hook up once again.

All I want for Christmas- Joe under the tree with a ribbon tied strategically.

Eight.

I'm stopping at eight law schools that I am sending applications to.

I turned in my final application to NYU before Thanksgiving. I don't feel like doing any more applications. And with the check from Ma, I'm looking to pay for both Georgetown and UC Hastings applications.

Now here's where the real waiting begins as if it didn't start already when I sent out my first round of applications.

I can't really get myself to think of the pros and cons of each school I am applying to. I'm not at the stage where I have all the choices in front of me and all the acceptances of where to go. Mostly I just want to get this over with so that I know what steps to take in my life. Like moving. Like dealing with Joe.

I sometimes wonder if things have changed between the two of us. I know that the time that we have not spoken nor communicated, we have changed. I know I have in terms of work and weight and other things. I don't know about Joe though.

If only I can resolve this.

Winter is totally here. People talk about trips to Tahoe for skiing and snowboarding. I'm wishing for a wool cycling jersey. Days are shorter and it's getting darker quicker. Squash, pears, Clementine oranges and apples dot the markets. And each coffee place is putting out its version of eggnog lattes and peppermint mochas.

I have my thermals out that are part of what I sleep in. I'm usually sipping a mug of Sleepytime tea before heading off to bed or reading whatever book I am reading at the moment. Yet, I wish that this winter like the last few that I had someone to snuggle up to. I'm still frustrated about my situation with Joe. Seems like it never ends or you just wonder what the end will be like and don't want to look, kind of like you don't want to see a car crash waiting to happen.

It sucks that I can't communicate with Joe at all. I sometimes wish I could update him on what is going on with my life and share memories and laughs and other things with him. But I feel stuck, like I'm simmering in this pot of uncertainty that I don't know. I know I sound like I am on repeat loop or something but that is how I feel at times. Just not knowing when things are going to move forward or backwards, for better or worse.

Grrrrr...

It was one of those runs where I ended up crying quite a bit as I slogged through the miles from my apartment to SF General and back through Dolores Park. Usually if I really had to, I will totally get my ass out of bed and go running for just some reason.

Lately, exercise has gotten a lot of stress and anger out of me. It's my way to detox not to mention a nice hot bath and a big mug of tea do just the trick. Running and exercise gets the last of my anger and frustration not to mention all that food I put in myself. I swear, I only ate a little bit of lumpia and I felt like a big fat rock and feeling really really really gross. I swear my body can't take greasy Filipino food anymore.

I'm trying my best not to let all these things and decisions get to me. I talked with my Uncle Joe last night. He's pretty much going through the same shit that I am but unfortuately because of his disablity, he can't run it off like I can. He has to depend so much on other people that it really makes him sad, especially when his wife ran off and left him. There's a lot of anger that fuels my motivations- running, cycling, applying to law school. Yet I wonder if things will open up, things will get better. I want to so move on with my life yet I don't want to lose Joe altogether. I'm not really too sure what to do these days. I honestly don't. All I know is that I need to get up, go to work, do the best that I can, pay the bills, etc. Somewhat rutty and routine.

And it's really driving me up the wall.

Something I thought I would never do- bake a pie at the crack of dawn.

I have to do this for tommorrow's potluck at work. This morning is the only time I could do this before I head off to go cycling with friends and dinner at Auntie Flor's place. I know that I vowed not to cycle on a holiday but I needed to be surrounded by friends and family. Mostly because today, one year ago, Joe and I broke up.

We have yet to resolve this.

I have plenty to be thankful for this year- getting back on the political track, shedding 15 unwanted pounds, sending out law school applications, completing the milage on AIDS/ LifeCycle, setting a personal record marathon time, finally getting something full time and benefitted, and having a good bevy of friends to help me through the rough spots.

I feel like I'm no longer spinning my wheels although at times where I am waiting for responses for law school, I'm somewhat stewing in a pot of uncertainty. I will admit there are days where I wish that I could resolve what is going on with me and Joe. Somehow you work through all of these adversities and just plow through it all.

Though the feeling of letting go of Joe is an uncertainty, what I do want to let go is all of the negative stuff behind letting go, all the thoughts that I have about myself. Yes I did make a mistake, a grave one but that one thing should not make me feel bad about myself all over. I know I should stop this insane habit of beating myself to a pulp and then some. I'm not a fan of S&M anyways even though I love to get dolled up in a leather mini skirt and knee high boots for Folsom but I digress. I still wonder if we will ever cross paths or if I am destined to love someone else just as much as I did with him. It's an uncertaintly I need to stew with, along with where I'm going to law school.

But all in all, it ends up for the best. Now if only I make sure that I don't crash this time on my bike.

Some things never cease to amaze me. Case in point- my folks.

I got a card from them in the mail today and a check for $150. Sweet. That means I get to pay off for law school applications. I know, nerdy and all but hey, it's a little investment towards my future, right? And the card they sent was very appropriate. It basically reminded me to take care of me. Something I really need this holiday season.

It was defintely what I needed at this time. The run last night woke up my body from some sort of deep depression and it felt good to get running and sweat. I felt a little soreness today as I got up and went to work but it was a good type of sore. A sore that lets you know that you are active and alive.

I'll be around family tommorrow celebrating Thanksgiving. I need it especially tommorrow being 1 year since Joe and I broke up. I called him today. Got his voicemail but didn't leave a message. I just hope and pray that things are going well and hopefully that he gets to go back to Chicago some time this year.

Sometimes I wonder if I am getting anywhere with my therapy sessions with Kishi. It has been a rather slow recovery and process in dealing with the breakup. I'm just wondering if I am to stew in some soup of uncertainty for quite a long time. At times, I wish I could have some sort of direction to figure this out, to get out of it. Yet when I thought I found some sort of action or direction, I question it and wonder will I lose Joe in the process. It seems like it's both the same- letting go of Joe and keeping that little slice of happy memories of Joe. Neither are enough. Both leave me sad and desolate.

So I go about my own life and my own business. Nothing too exciting. Kind of flat if you ask me. The only good thing these days is that I'm running again after a few weeks of rest and recouperation to make sure that a strained IT band didn't get worse.

You read, both fiction and biographies, trying to find some code to crack. You ask people, case studies. You consult both your closest friends and strangers. Yet there is no clue, nothing concrete. More of a just let it go and deal with it later laisse faire attitude. A person of action doesn't like inaction of standing still and letting things as they are. Yet any form of action would make the whole thing imbalanced.

So slowly, you wean him out of your life. You don't put him in your mass e-mail addresses. He doesn't get a Friends and Family invite. You even leave him out of your holiday card list. You dream of what spring may bring you- April showers and May flowers and acceptances from law schools. You hope that you will be a Golden Bear and that might turn his head if the shorter hair do sans blonde bangs and 15 extra pounds didn't make him notice before. Maybe that might bring him out of the comatose state of apathy and lifelessness.

Yet you want him to still be a part of your life. You cry during your annual exam not because the cold speculum hurts against your vaginal walls but the fact that you discontinue birth control because he is gone. The physican assistant looking over you still congratulates you for coming in and taking care of your health. You see it as routine, like brushing your teeth or going to the dentist every 6 months. But there is a type of emptyness inside. Something that is longed to be filled. Something that only he brought out, with arms wide open. Suddenly, you try to rememeber lovers before him that would bring that same feeling. None have. None have made their mark on you like this, haunted you like this, made you crazy, living la vida loca.

Your friends seem like they are all one chorus when they say, "Let him go...let him go..." You're afraid to let go, wondering what you will grip next or if you will grip the same thing again. All the guys that have left your life have never come back, going their own separate ways and lives. You want this pain to end, you want something definite, something to tell you that your proceed or you end here. You feel that he depsises you, that he has an ill feeling whenever he sees spicy carrots in a taqueria or chicken feet in a dim sum place, the things that make you unique. You drink endless mugs of tea every night, not to displace the stress but the pain. It's the same ritual- you write in your online journal, drink a mug of tea and cry yourself to sleep and wishing he was back.

The thought of bearing children have been a figment of your imagination until now. This time he has made it clear. Where you sharply visualize in focus, a child, a little girl, a little boy, with half his genes and yours. 23 pairs of chromosomes. Will they have your eyes, his nose, your personality? Will they be a reincarnation of grandparents or ancestors past? You even have the name for the little girl- Calixa Inocencia better known as Calina or Cali as in California as in the state and his alma mater. Could that ever be re-created?

These days I've been sipping on Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea at night before going to bed. Mostly to ward off the stress from adjusting to my new job. I think it's a nice comforting thing before going to bed. Actually I've caught myself sipping camomile tea more often.

Alain is here from New York. He came over to my place and we went to Pancho Villas around the block for some burritos since Alain needed his Mexican food fix. We devoured burritos, horchada (for Alain) and a bottle of tutti-fruiti Jarritos soda (mine) and caught up on life. Alain is in the process of buying an apartment out in the boroughs since he feels like he's wasting so much money on rent in Manhattan. I told him about law school and the whole waiting game. After eating lunch, we headed out on BART and walked from the Financial District to Chinatown to North Beach to Ghiradelli Square before settling over at the steps at Aquatic Park and watching swimmers do laps for open water swimming, wanna be triathletes or just people who like a dip in the open water. Most of the folks weren't wearing wetsuits and though it was sunny today, lately there has been a tinge of crisp fall air, the type of climate that reminds you of biting into apples and getting squash at the Farmer's Market and feeling the leaves fall from the trees. We had one of our long discussions about life and things, mostly me babbling about waiting in limbo. Alain felt the same when he was waiting for word on graduate schools. That part of you that wants to move on with your life but not sure what to do with anything future forward. We then strolled over through Fisherman's Wharf and stopped at Pier 39 to get a bag of Trish's Mini Donuts to share. We then headed off to the Ferry Building to show Alain how it has become a marketplace for fine food and such. We watched skaters go around the rink at Justin Herman Plaza before heading down BART to our separate destinations- him to meet a friend in Oakland for dinner, me back home to get my Timbuk2 bag and water bottle to head off to Tagalog class at City College. We got to see a movie and the main character had a body that reminded me of Joe, especially where he's bare chested, sans shirt. Hot Pinoy boys...yum...

And my book recommendations du jour happen to be both by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez: Playing With Boys and The Dirty Girls Social Club. I can't say which I like better though.

The lyrics I hear and reverberate in my head are from Seal's song, "Don't Cry"

Don't be so hard on yourself...

It's a chronic thing for me. I really am hard on myself on many things. I know that this can rip me apart and it has many a time. I still find myself whipping myself to a pulp for a lot of things. Mostly for the people I love and care the most where I feel like I can't win their love no matter how hard I try.

The sting of seeing Lois at work at the all store meeting this morning all decked out in Cal Football wear, all spirted for the big game. The big game where Joe most likely was cheering his heart out for his alma mater. I could remember when he screamed in my phone message last year, "Go Bears!" when they won against Stanford. Like that little boy from Illinois that I fell in love with.

I always thought things that ended in a way that fairy tales and sit coms and other things don't come true. Somehow, it seemed like Joe proved it wrong. Like the time he came to pick me up all messed up from my bike crash. Or the time he was going to come over to my place to spend New Years with me. It seemed like those dreams were now turning to dust, disintegrating, slowly fading like color in photographs taken in my childhood circa 1979.

With Joe, just like Ma, I can't win. I try so hard. I feel like I can't win his trust back. Maybe I never will. It so fucking hurts that I just want it to stop. I so want to give up. But there's that part of me that won't back down. What is going on? Why can't you just love me? Why? Why?

Why is it that I have co-workers that look like ex-boyfriends. First it was John at Banana Republic that was a dead ringer for Joe and now Kevin who could be related to Calvin. It's really spooking me out.

It's a whole lot of adjusting. A lot more younger folks, kind of the twenty something college crowd. Not too different from Banana Republic but I feel like there's somewhat of a gap already. I long for a quiet place to write in my journal and read a book. I wonder if there is space on my bike. I wonder how my co-workers would accept me listening to NPR in the days that I am by myself. Someone asked me how I liked it and I just said, "It's OK." in somewhat of a soft voice and saying that things were "different". It seems like more of the girls want to just talk about shopping and stuff like that. Kevin is the lone guy and happens to be straight but he's a good 6 years younger than I am. So I can see somewhat of a gap there. Even the managers are young but they are the hip cool kind of young. I'm more of the somewhat classic laid back no style no frills person.

Maybe it takes awhile to find your niche and your friends. I so feel like the new kid at school.

Still missing Joe tremendously. What else is new.

Today, my first day of work at my new job over at Gap at the Flood Building. Exciting yet daunting. New people to meet, new store to navigate, new faces, new systems. Some of the stuff is old hat but other stuff is just different from what I have done. A change to switch things up.

Before work was a rather long and draining 2 hour session of therapy. However, it was a breakthrough session. Kishi and I uncovered a lot and there has been a lot of fear just riding into my system for so long. During the session, I had this metaphor of me chasing a lone MUNI bus with Joe on it. Alain holding me back and saying, "You don't have to do this." Yet I break free and run at top neck speed despite the fact that I am wearing my knee high boots with two inch heels. I get on the bus and there is Joe. Yet he is not responsive. He can't hear me nor see me. He's just there. He fades in and out of times like the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland. I am there, trying to speak to him, to get through him, flashing back between the times in my life where I want to be heard and/ or accepted of who I am- the 5 year old kindergardner with the red dress with cherries and the Dutch boy haircut, the 16 year old honor student in the permed hair and marching band leatherman jacket looking at her AP English Language teacher like she's on crack when she says that Asians suck at writing, and the leaner and meaner me, the one who was different from the rather chunky Pinay with blond highlights in her cropped hair a year ago. I see flashes of what I want my life with Joe to be- to have a family, to be the cool activist lawyer, to have children with him pass by. Most of the time I see baren, empty, flat, grey prarrie. There are no stops. I don't hear any bells nor the familar mechanical voices saying, "Please hold on" or "Please leave the front seats open for seniors and persons with disabilities" or the voices of the stops being called. At times I might hear a bell or a voice calling out a stop or a helpful hint but they are blurred, the voices sounding like the teacher or adults in Peanuts cartoons, an unintelligble heap of garble.

A song from Usher's new album pretty much said what I felt today. I was listening it at Borders before I came over to work. I don't have the title of the song but it's something that I do have in my head and it said that so true. How I've been trying to get Joe back. How it breaks my heart. How I cry so much every night. How it hurts from what has happened. How some part of me wants some definitive end where it's more of a slap in the face to me that I can't have him in my life anymore. I wish the tears would stop. I wish that I can go on with my life. I wish that an acceptance towards Boalt Hall might be that step closer to winning back his heart while an acceptance from anywhere else means that I can just kiss Joe goodbye.

All week long I've been thinking about a stack of pancakes. Buttermilk pancakes with maple syrup and butter, the ones like Ma used to make when I was a kid on Saturday morning. So today, a nice Sunday where I didn't have to go out and train or work, I woke up and went to get some pancakes and the Sunday New York Times to puruse over. Ended up spending most of the day either sleeping or helping my friend Kevin with his resume and cover letter. I was supposed to do laundry but got home too late for me to cart it over to the laundry mat. At least I will have some time tommorrow to do so.

It seems as if my memories of Joe are now becoming very fuzzy and hazy, as if they are fading into the distance of memories and the abyss of the past. Somewhere in the point between remembering as clear as yesterday and murky as the things I remember when I was younger or growing up. Though some thoughts still leave me almost teary eyed and very poignant, the memories are now somewhat fading, like color in old photographs. Yet the pain is still there, sharp and poignant as ever because he is gone. And what really scares me is that I do not know where we might be days, months, years down the road.

Do I just give up that dream of marrying a wonderful Filipino guy?

Lights, Camera, Action

So they're filming in my neighborhood some movie with Reese Witherspoon. There are big rigs and trucks parked along Dolores Park and this morning we had to wait a few minutes on the block between 16th and 17th Street along Valencia while they were filming. A bother for some but security was trying to keep traffic moving and not have lookie loos hang around and disrupt work. This was done early so that businesses won't be impeeded from doing their daily duties. The Abandoned Planet Bookstore was used as a background for one of the scenes in the movie.

Though it might be a slight disruption, it's a good thing since the City is trying everything to get the film industry to come back and film and bring money into the City since the coffers are pretty scarce. Mayor Gavin Newsom has appointed one of the former Supervisors to head up the Treasure Island task force to get the film industry to San Francisco and even put out a new commission to market San Francisco to the film industry. Most film makers would end up going to remote places to be backdrops for such large cities since some of these cities would give tax breaks to these big studios. It's not cheap to make a film. But I would argue that to make a scene of a movie or film that takes place in an actual city, you might as well film it there. It's easy to fake certain scenes on a soundstage or Anytown USA but I'm all for authencity. New York City, especially Manhattan, is the backdrop for so many films and television shows that there is even a special division of the NYPD devoted to filmings. I'm not sure if the SFPD will get that big and I'm sure that LAPD might have some division like that as well but maybe if the success Mayor Newsom's efforts to get the film industry to use San Francisco as a backdrop for major films, there just might be that division of the SFPD. But don't expect me to sign up and go to the police academy for that.

The song that has been on my mind lately is Tupac's "Changes". I think my thoughts of listening to to Tupac Shakur has been sparked by my protege Steve's thoughts after the elections. Honestly a flood of feelings have been going through me as I am going through my last days at work at Banana Republic. Now I'm going into a new environment next week, a new place, new faces, new things to do, a new BART stop to get off at. All brand spanking new.

In all this newness, there is a part of me that is still sad and still wishing and still wanting. I wonder at times if I will ever love. It's not just wondering if Joe will come back into my life but at the same time, wondering if he and I will ever make up. I'm not sure if you can ever go back to what you were beforehand. The tears are still there and the pangs of emptiness are as strong as ever. Yet I wonder if I do let go, does he come back. Or does he go the same way that Calvin, Paul and Ron and countless others went, into the abyss of my memories.

At times I wish Joe knew how much I am hurting. Yet at the same time, I'm wondering if that is a good idea. On one hand I still want to keep that part of me in his life yet on the other hand, is that a good idea for both of us.

I will be honest that I'm not strong enough to let go of Joe because I fear that once I let go, I not only let go of him but what he represents, the things that I want in a partner and in my life, gone gone gone. It hurts me more than ever if I were to let that go.

Could anyone ever love me, one filled with so much pain and hurt and guilt and angst.

It has been almost a year since Joe and I broke up. It seems like there is not one day where I do not feel the pain of losing him, the guilt of the actions I have done. Sometimes I wonder what comes first- Joe forgiving me or me forgiving myself. Even though Joe has forgiven me for what I have done, he says he cannot forget. His silence and inaction just makes me think that he has not forgiven me, that he has given up in me and even trying again for us. These are the things that cause me to well up in tears and sob loudly, sometimes before I go to sleep.

The more I think about it, the more the tears flow to the point where I cannot see the computer monitor nor what I am typing. The pain is much worse than anything that I have ever felt physically. It's the pain of hurting Joe. It's the pain of losing him. It's the pain of me facing a lonely life. Even though in the back of my head, I know things will be OK, there is a part of me that cannot see it like cycling through a real thick fog in unfamiliar territory. I wonder what would be the right thing to make things right if I can make things right. At times I feel so lost, that I want to give up. Not just give up with Joe but love altogether. I'm not sure if there is anything that I can do to make things right.

I'm still in therapy, working through this pain. Each week, each session with Kishi has practically drained me of tears and guilt. It seems like this is endless. I wonder if I can ever get out of this quicksand of guilt and pain. I honestly thought Chicago could exorcise those ghosts. No. I thought just dating someone else can push Joe out of my mind. No.

I'm fortuate that I have a cadre of good memories of Joe and our brief time together. Yet what sticks out more is how much I have hurt him and our frustrations of trying to make things right after the pain and the hurt. It is that pain and hurt that drives me to focus on other things- cycling, law school applications, activism, etc. However, this is more of an avoidance of what really goes on. Sometimes I wish that I could live the way that is inscribed on my yellow bracelet on my wrist that I have worn ever since Lolo Silecio's death this summer. Sometimes I wish I could take away this pain or find whatever source of it and just cut it off, like slicing off a limb. It seems like when Joe broke up, he cut himself off from me, he cut his love and his life from me, where I feel alone, drifting aimlessly. The pain is so excruciating. And with the holidays coming up, holidays where we spent time together, it even leaves a bigger hole and more painful existence. I wonder if I can ever get out of it, can I make it, can things be ever alright?

Daily Rant

Blacklava is a company that makes t-shirts and other goods with messages reflecting the state of the Asian American community. One shirt I want in particular is one titled SWM (single white male). It happens to be a personal ad for a single white male looking for a single asian female to be the quiet, submissive, obedient type that does not speak good English. Here is the description regarding the shirt on the website:


Description:

SWM T-Shirt

Written by:Traci Akemi Kato Kiriyama
I'm not talkin' about love.Once two people meet, get together, have kids, get married, whatever, let's hope they're in love. I'm talkin' about-WHY-a White man would be in search of an Asian woman in the first place-WHY-we're surrounded by the stats showing the high and rising numbers of Asian females marrying Anglo males. It's Not coincidence. It's growing up seeing Asian women as domestic damsels in distress. Dependable, obedient little exotic flowers serving every sexual need of their white knight. It's the Asian woman growing up in a cocoon of White heroes. It's on t.v., the letterboxed screen, in the magazine, on that bathroom wall, in the high school textbook, the teenage romance novel. I think about what I wanted growing up - I think about my self-hate - I think about my fantasies full of Hollywood-white celebrities - But most importantly, I now understand -WHY-

I didn't have the luxury of growing up with handsome Asian men with their sexiness and power and prowlness. No. These Asian guys and the images I grew up with were the asexual nerds ala Long Duck Dong of John Hughes' "Sixteen Candles". Sure you saw Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee fight off the villians but do you ever see them make out and make love? It was all about Lief Garrett, Shawn Cassidy, Kirk Cameron, Michael J. Fox, Ashton Kunter, insert your Tiger Beat sweetheart cover boy here. These were the guys that we Asian women fell for when we were teens. We saw our own as too possessive or too backwards or too nerdy or too fobby and not American enough. We went for the blond hair and blue eyes and shunned away the thick dark brown almost jet black hair and looked away at the dark brown eyes. We not only wanted white knights but we wanted our knights to have white skin, not brown skin or skin with yellow undertones. We were even willing to give up a part of ourselves and our heritage, to break away from the traditions that bind us, to change our names that we were born with- Nguyen, Chang, Patel, Murimoto, San Juan to names like Smith, Jones, Johnson, Taylor, Adams.

Though I am American, I still am Filipino. There is no denying it. Even if I were to marry out and take an American last name, I would still be Filipino. But for so long, my reality was to be as American as I can so that I can succeed. Yet, at the same time in doing this, I felt cheated out of my rich Filipino heritage. I want to preserve it, to keep it. I will still keep my last name no matter what. It will always be a part of me. And what I want to pass on...what I truly want...does it exist? Can it happen? Or is my reality as a successful Asian American woman is one where marrying a white male is my only option?

The Things That Scare Me Or Pretty Much Gross Me Out

Remember "What's grosser than gross" jokes? The sight of one of my roomies roaming to the bathroom in his tighty whiteys and nothing else pretty much grossed me out this morning as I was getting ready. Tighty whiteys better known as briefs just don't look appealing on grown men. They do look cute on little boys. That's because little boys aren't too concerned about underwear and their mothers or some female guardian figure in their life would go out and pick out their underwear, usually the Fruit of the Loom and Haines variety. Now if I guy wears colored briefs, that's a little better but not by much. Boxer briefs- there's a thin grey line about that one. I prefer guys to wear boxers. Not because they look sexier but I usually would get a stab at wearing them at my own leisure (OK, one of my crazy fantasies is to wear my loved ones boxers and dress shirts while I make him breakfast...call me cheezy and fluffy...).

I remembered several ex boyfriends wearing briefs and all I could think about is the Captain Underpants comic book covers. I dated a guy once that even went commando.

Since we're on the subject of grossing people out, one thing I learned in Tagalog class tonight was a polite way to say your crotch hurts. Saying "Masakit ang pek pek mo." would just make the doctor to blush.

Another thing that grosses me out- real sour soy milk. Believe me I had some this morning and instantly I spit it out.

Balut. Need I say more about underdeveloped chick or duck and downing a San Miguel Beer with it.

Bittermelon. I still have childhood angst about this real bitter vegetable. BLEH!!!

Midwesterners saying the word "pop" when they refer to soda. This is more of an annoyance than a gross out.

People who clip their nails on buses or trains. Not very good hygene.

People who floss on buses or grains. Now that's even grosser. I had to see that twice- once on MUNI and the other on BART.

So to conclude this little topic, please toss out the tighty whiteys and go with cool boxers or at least decent colored briefs. And save the thongs for us girls.

A Recap and Re-Evaluation of 2004

I know it's not the end of 2004 and time to welcome baby 2005. However, I was reading some past entries of my journal and found this little something I wrote back at the end of 2003. Here's my spin on each of these things.


1) taken the LSAT and doing well this time
Indeed I took the LSAT in February of this year and I did well. A whole 7 points better than my last score. I know not much but I think it was a good gain overall. And this time, I felt better after taking the test.

2) left the retail world of Banana Republic and doing something I love, like public relations and writing, specifically in the non-profit sector
I still am at Banana Republic but not for long. I'm actually taking a full time position at the Gap at the Flood Building in the City. I thought about going into public relations but there was a part of me, I think especially after the LSAT and the March for Women's Lives that propelled me to really pursue law school instead of putzing around a few more years to find some sort of happiness. A rather brave step in my book. The good thing is that my new position at Gap is a little more casual in terms of dress, a little more busier and more money and benefits.

3) signed up for the Chicago Marathon- yeah, here is my key race for 2004. Hopefully my time will be better.
Not only did I sign up for the Chicago Marathon but I actually ran it and came in with a personal best. Not too shabby huh? And I did beat all the fears I had from my last marathon.

4) talk to a few of my friends who have graduated from the law schools I want to attend- I need to know if I can see myself in the places before I send in the applications.
If you rememeber number 2 on this list, I basically got all the schools that I wanted to apply to. I've sent out the applications already and waiting to hear back. Now I have to get on with the other two applications and I'm all set.

5) spending more time on my road bike- seriously, I need to. I've been neglecting Mabelda for my running shoes.
Mabelda got a lot of quality time not only training for AIDS/ LifeCycle 3 which was the best ride thus far (practically rode ever fucking inch of that road) but she got a lot of good riding this summer thanks to rides with Shelly and Harper.

6) starting speed workouts with the San Francisco Road Runners- hey, if I'm going to run a faster time for the Chicago Marathon, you need to start somewhere.
I've actually done only a few Tuesday and Thursday night runs with SFRRC on their speed workouts. There have been times when I worked or was out with an injury or didn't feel like going. But Tuesday workouts did improve my time. I'm looking to go into them a little more seriously for training for my annual run of the Chinatown YMCA Chinese New Year 5K run (I'm looking to break under half an hour to finish) and a PR for the San Francisco Marathon. I at least want to run under 4 hours and 15 minutes this time which I see is do-able.

7) eating better- it does sound vague but I seriously want to eat a little more nutritiously in terms of more veggies, drinking enough water each day, going easy on sweets. Not exactly diet but be mindful of what I do put in my system.
I have been rather good on this. I am eating a lot more veggies and drinking a lot more water. I've focused a lot on portion control even though lately I will admit that the grief of losing Joe has made me lose focus at times. But overall, I have been pretty good about eating a lot healthier. I do enjoy a sweet once in awhile but I've learned when I have overdone it. And boy does my body rebel!

8) going back to practicing yoga- I think I seriously need to do this so that I can focus on the things that are important instead of getting my head all bent out of shape.
I've taken up Bikram yoga and I did it for a good few months before burning out. This past summer I took some hatha power flow classes. I haven't done yoga that much this past fall but going back to a Bikram class this past week has made me a little more clear and level headed. Yoga has helped me focus, gain courage to do a lot of things, helped me lose weight and tone up. This has to one of the better resolutions that I made for myself.

Now you probably wonder what I will do next. I haven't given it that much thought but off the top of my head, here are some things that I would like to take care of by the end of this year-

1) Pay off my friends Nick, Jeanne and Alan for what I owe them.
2) Have all my law school applications sent out.
3) Signed up for the Chinatown YMCA Chinese New Year 5K run.
4) Paid off at least one of my bills.
5) Volunteer for an event promoting AIDS/ LifeCycle and/ or SFRRC.

That's it for now.

A Little More To Think About

So Hastings denied my fee waiver. That makes 2 schools where I get denied for a fee waiver. I'll have to see how Santa Clara and UC Davis pan out before I take out money from my 401k to pay for the fees. Not the best way yet the only way I can think of.

I went for a run this evening once I came home from work. I needed to totally decompress and think about a lot of things going on in my mind. Something in my back is somewhat bothering me so I figured a massage might help. I might also take it easy on the running since my IT band is a little strained. It hurts at times to even go up stairs so taking it easy for the time being.

Just so much going on my head that I'm not sure what is next.

The Day After

Around 9am this morning, my friend Henry called. He told me that Senator Kerry conceded and yes, we have another four more years of good old Georgie Bush. I just groaned and think that my years during and after law school will be really challenging. I wonder what Bush will focus on now more- giving more tax cuts to the rich, focusing on anything and everything to ban same sex marriage, making the fight to preserve reproductive rights even more difficult by appointing right winged conservative federal judges in circuit courts and even a Supreme Court nomination or two. Well, that means lacing up the gloves once again and going 12 rounds. Ain't being on the defensive fun?

Henry and I caught up. He's back in the City, trying to regroup after a series of mishaps in Manhattan where he moved to at the beginning of the month.

Most of the day, I spent trying to get on with my life. One of the things I truly enjoy is cooking. I ended up making this really spicy black bean dish that I found from the SF Guardian. If you want to know how spicy it is, the recipie called for 1 tablespoon of cyanne pepper. That is a hella lot of pepper. It made a good filling for some tacos tonight. I just needed to top it off with cheese and cilantro. No salsa required since the recipie had tomatoes in it. Ended up straightening things in my room and going to yoga class tonight at my old yoga studio, Bikram Yoga in the Mission. They had an offer where if you show your ballot stub from voting, you get a free class. It was rather nice. Kind of awhile since I have been to Bikram Yoga so some of the poses were a little difficult to get into and the heat was a little much. I tried my hardest not to really push myself so much.

I know that right now, I'm going through a lot of changes of all sorts. All ranging from law school applications and the angst that goes with it to the move to Gap Flood for my new position starting the week after next to the delicate state of my finances to trying to deal with my grief of losing Joe. In a few weeks, it will be a year since we broke up, a year since I sabotoged the relationship that caused our breakup.

A lot of that pain and guilt rears its ugly head in some form or another. I would flash back to some happy memory that I have of me and Joe and soon I become sad and berate myself for the state of things between us now. It's an ongoing process. I hate myself for not being able to reach out to him. I find myself putting thick barriers around my heart and soul, not letting anyone in, not anyone loving me, distancing myself from everyone. Finding myself truly wanting to love and yet finding myself that I have to sacrafice myself, my dreams, my ambitions. The fear of having to give all the things up I want for myself for his sake. In essence, I was afraid of truly loving Joe because I was afraid of losing me in the process, something that I saw in a lot of my friends.

In these life changes I am going through, I want the support that Joe unconditionally gave to me. Yet I wonder if he would have the strength to weather through the storms I am going through. It seems like he barely has enough strength to weather his own storms let alone take mine along with his. I try to tell myself that it's not completely my fault in what happened between me and Joe. Yet, I punish myself because if it weren't for my actions, we wouldn't be where we are now, not speaking, not talking, not touching, not listening, not being each other's lives.

In a sense, the loss of Joe in my life represents a much deeper wound. Something in the sense of the loss of such a wonderful man in all the things I would ever want is gone. I wonder if I could gain something like that once again. Could any Filipino man love me as I am? Or am I too much to handle? Will only a white man be able to love me and handle me which I cannot bear myself to subjugate to. I think of that as selling out, hating myself, losing me even more, especially losing the Filipino side which I have worked so hard to find and preserve. I wonder if I am able to love someone so much that I want to have children with them, to raise a family, to pass down my genes and his. That is the much deeper loss that I face and wonder if I will see the light and crawl out of.

I know that I cannot run away from this grief, this guilt, this fear. I have to face it head on. And why does now have to be the time to do it?

Election Day

As much as the political junkie that I am, old habits die hard. I'm still up, almost 1am here in California listening to NPR and looking at CNN.com for election results. It's too close to call and at times, I get too anxious so I keep on flipping off the switch.

I did some stuff today to get out the vote. Went to Planned Parenthood Golden Gate to call voters in Pennsylvania. Ended up finding out that I can't really eat donuts for breakfast anymore. I had a real bad sugar crash during the middle of the day where it took me quite a bit to get up to go to work (I went home to run some errands and to get some lunch). I was planning to do some more calling yet the donuts got the best of me. But I did have pizza for dinner. Kind of a rekindle of my old campaign days. Hey, I even had cheap Chinese food for lunch, a tradition I had when I worked my first campaign a few years back.

I ended up polling my co-workers if they voted or not. I really didn't care who they voted for. That is their own decision and choice. Maybe that will be a later question for me to poll. Ended up at Senator Barbara Boxer's victory party and ran into Nick there. Then Nick introduced me to Frank whom I met at Closing Ceremonies for AIDS/ LifeCycle. Frank happens to be working for the Boxer campaign. And now here I am, writing away. I called a few friends- Alain who happened to be poll watching in Rhode Island for the Asian American Legal Defense Fund and Amy who lived in Iowa ( a swing state) and Shelly whose roots are in Ohio (the key deciding state for this election). I ordered photos from the New York Marathon (about time I did that huh). Checked out marathons (next year I plan to run the San Francisco Marathon Presented by Runners World Magazine formerly known as the Chronicle Marathon and the Marine Corps Marathon provided I get picked for the lottery). I looked at my friend Rodney's site, checking out the photos of his wife and new born son. Now that made me kind wisful, sad maybe. There was a photo of Rodney holding his son. Kind of made me think about Joe and what would he look like if he held our child (if he and I were to have a child).

But other than that, not much more to write or report. I plan on going to bed soon. I'll find out later on today to see who will be President.