It happens to be one of those days where I feel really rotten. Where I cry and I want the comfort of food to take away this pain. It's also where I know that the comfort of food doesn't really do the trick at all.

It's a real bitter pill for me to swallow that Joe is no longer interested. He's no longer into me. That he would rather go on with his life without me. There's no way that he's ever coming back. I mean look at us now. We're barely on speaking terms. I must be on crack thinking that we could patch things up and things will be a-ok. They aren't A-fucking-OK.

Not hearing from him and his self imposed silence really hurts. It's almost as bad as him looking at me with no emotion on his face, arms crossed, not speaking. His silence comes across as that. I gave so much of myself. I said sorry so many times. I know he can't forget what happened. I can't either because I lost him because of that. Because of my fucking mistake.

Because of my fucking mistake, forget us having a place of our own. Forget both of us having a registry at both REI and Williams-Sonoma (guess who had what). I can't hear about his day. I can't be surprised beyond belief. I can't even feel his arms around me and him just resting his chin on top of my head when he holds me and I bury my face in his chest and take a wiff of whatever laundry deteregent he used to wash his shirt. Forget the funny jokes. Forget even the cracks. Forget even getting annoyed at him when he says "pop" when he means soda.

I want this pain to go away. I want him back. I want somone to take it out from me like a tumor. I want some sort of drink to make it go away like some exilxur. Something. Anything. I want it out of me. God oh God when will this end.

It feels like there is nothing to comfort me from this. I have to suck it up and deal with it. Try to swallow it like a good little girl. Because it's because of me that put me here. It's my fucking personal responsibility.

Face it. He's not going to come back. He's not going to call. He's not going to take you in his arms and say "I've missed you." You can forget the life you want together. You can forget about having a child with him. You can forget having a little pigtailed Pinay kid named Calixa with him. You can forget him being there for your cycling events and marathons. You can just fucking forget it because he ain't coming back.

HE AIN'T COMING BACK YOU BITCH!!! CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH THAT FUCKING SKULL OF YOURS??? WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING LET GO YOU STUPID LITTLE BITCH??? HOW MANY TIMES MUST YOU TORTURE YOURSELF THROUGH THIS???

HE AIN'T COMING BACK!!!

Bowling Balls

Tonight there was a little get together after work at Yerba Buena Garden's bowling alley. Since the store exceeded its December goal, we celebrated with a little bowling, some food and drinks. Of course we had to pay for the booze ourselves but that didn't stop us. Some folks went to get a drink after they got off work before heading to the bowling alley. I just stopped home, dropped off my bags, washed a few dishes, changed clothes and headed out.

I was bowling with Hilga from kids and baby and her boyfriend Kit. Kevin joined our trio for a bit until Ron, Lynn and Chantha rolled in. Then Isabel from womens and Marineh from body joined us. I was doing rather well, getting less gutter balls than before. Maybe because the last time I went bowling, it was on my first date with Calvin and most of the time I was trying so hard to do so good when in actuality, I ended up landing more gutter balls. I managed to talk to a few people from work. It was nice for a change instead of all of us folding clothes, counting tills and pleasing customers. I ate quite a bit and had a bottle of Red Hook. My left knee was acting up this morning after my run and it was acting up quite a bit on Saturday too. So rest time for me. I was going to go cycling but that's out of the question.

So off to bed now. Well, after I pound out another round of scholarship essays. *bleh*

Shifts

We ain't talking about paradigm or work. It's mostly the events of life that show that time and life moves forward.

Once in awhile, I would read a few entries of blogs of folks that I knew once in my life. These are college chums, ex boyfriends, etc. A lot of people I knew in college basically stayed in the same area and just settled their life there with their spouses or sweethearts from college. Some have moved out of their respective hometowns while others just went back to where they grew up.

It's a life sometimes I do and don't envy. Sometimes I wish for the long lasting stability of certain friendships and even that stable relationship. But being the very independent person that I am, I am not the type to be restrained to a certain circle of friends or even a mate. Most of the folks I knew are in this suburban bubble of Southern California with its web of freeways, big box stores and shopping centers and shades of red conservative politics. I know that my Bay Area life of blue blooded liberalism, bike paths and running trails, yoga studios and farmer's markets are a foreign concept to them. Most likely the will hardly recoginze the fit person who runs marathons for fun and likes to ride long distances on her bike. Most of them still hold stead fast their Catholic upbringing and pro-choice ideals and same sex marriages make them cringe, the two things that differenciate me from them.

All I know that I cannot live that life that they lead. Not now at least. Maybe one day I will have to buckle down on getting a car. At least a car that can have the bike rack on top. Maybe one day I will own a Costco card- only to get cases of Clif Bars. For now, the City is my life and even the East Coast (in one entry, I saw it referred to as "the Least Coast") is a part of my fabric. I do require the occasional jaunt to New York or Washington, DC. Maybe Boston might be home for me for the next few years or just a destination for me to show that I have reached a major marathon goal.

But I look at the shifts within myself. The weight loss. The moving up pace groups in SFRRC (I decided to stay with blorange for awhile. Puce will be my next goal). The determination of me to get to law school. Being open with Ma and my family. Shifts that would have never happened years ago finally come.

Things do change. People grow and change. There is still a part of me that does wish that Joe and I mend things up and can start from scratch. Maybe he's just too hurt right now for us to do that. Or maybe he just decided to just end things altogether. I don't know. Maybe it's a matter of me letting go and letting life determine that.

It's Like Raaaaaaaiin...

This weather has been a little odd lately. Tonight I was looking forward and preparing for a rather rigorous track workout but on the way to Kezar tonight, rain came down. When I came to the track, no one was there, barely. There were two runners on the track but they were walking. I checked out the track and it was rather slippery. So I called it a night. At least I will have enough energy to see if I can keep up with Blorange tommorrow.

Last night was my first night doing a weekday run of the season with SFRRC. Some of the Tuesday night regulars were there. Last year we had our weekday runs on Tuesdays but now we have it on Thursdays. During the run, it started to rain which felt like a wonderful shower. However, when I got on the bus to go home, I was shirvering from the cold and welcomed a heated apartment and a hot shower.

The last few days this week I've been fighting with dealing with Joe and the feelings of letting him go. There have been a few days where I felt rather productive where I wrote out essays for law school scholarships and even a good letter to the editor of the Chronicle blasting their coverage on the counterprotest that pro choice groups put together to combat the Walk For Life last weekend in the City. I still do miss Joe and am still frustrated. There is a part of me that hopes that maybe we'll run into each other again and maybe we can patch up some sort of friendship or maybe even more but I'm not really too sure about that.

I can't believe that in a few weeks is my 5K that I have been training for. Wow time does fly.

Moving On

Well, after a rather drawn out session with Kishi this morning, it seems more than ever that I do need to move on.

I still have this fear of letting go. Yet, I do want to go on with my life. I just want to kick in getting ready for law school and my trip. I want to prep for the San Francisco Marathon and to work on my finances. I want to do my last AIDS/ LifeCycle trip with a bang.

Deep down I do care for him. Part of me still wants to have a life with Joe and to have a family. However, what good is it for me to hold onto that dream when we're not even speaking.

Maybe if I do let go, maybe things can move forward. What things, I'm not sure. But I'm sure there will be progress.

R.I.P.

You know it's really over when you get this sense that all you're doing is talking to a brick wall. When you get the voice mail for the umpteneeth time. When you realize that you have to let go.

Your body is just racked in tears. Luckily no one is home so you wail for what seems like an eternity to the point where you are so spent. You know no one can take all the sweet memories that you have of him. You just want to have him in your arms one last time, to look into his dark brown eyes and have him rest his chin on top of your head.

It is your dying wish. You would do anything for this one, even reconciling with God. But it seems like that will not happen. By now, he would have responded. But no. Not even a peep.

You know you are responsible and it haunts you to this very day. You finally told him that you miss him and you do miss your best friend. As you type, the tears spill down knowing that he cannot be there to celebrate the milestones of your life. You know deep down that you were never meant to take his name.

He was what you wanted. The straight male version of you. Maybe that was your downfall.

It hurts like a motherfucker. You would rather run up 17th Street millions of times rather than knowing that it's over and you have to say goodbye.

And that was what he said to you on that foggy July day.

A Jumble of Thoughts

Sorry I haven't written in my regular blog lately. It's just that with traveling, I don't remember my passwords for certain pages with security access and plus my brother's computer connection is so slow that mastadons pass it.

It was rather nice being in So Cal. It was warmer than the Bay Area so that caught me off guard. Did OK on my 10K. I'm glad I didn't do a half marathon with the base of milage that I have under my belt right now. But this weekend, I'm starting to run with the Road Runners on a conditioning program to get my base miles in.

For Pop's birthday, me, Ma, Ed, Pop, Uncle Joe, Uncle Chito, Justin and AJ had lunch at Hometown Buffet in Loma Linda. Honestly, that is a vegetarian and vegans worse nightmare because there isn't that much for those two groups to offer. Well, you can just leave the vegan at home. I managed to eat pretty healthly there by heaping on salad (they had a small piddly tin of sping greens amongst some wilted spinach and a big bowl of iceburg lettuce...that's not real lettuce). I rag on iceburg lettuce because it has no nutritional value. Nada. Zilch. But I was really good on eating lots of veggies, baked fish and a little baked chicken and some turkey. The veggies were soaked in lots of butter. I had a good helping of collard greens. Of course my family wondered what the fuck I was eating. I had to get two helpings of desert. But did good in using fat free frozen yogurt to top it off. One major observation at the buffet was that probably I was the only rather skinny person there. It looks like all were overweight or tipping the overweight scale. And you saw a lot of whiny impatient kids too.

In the Bay Area, most of the cars have bumper stickers that vary from expressing their lack of support for the current president to the infamous yellow and black, NO WAR ON IRAQ sticker to yes a pepper of Kerry-Edwards stickers. Down south in my parents neck of Red County San Bernardino, most SUVs and vans are splayed with yellow ribbons and red, white and blue ribbons that say Support Our Troops. Some folks have put the stickers so it looks like the Christian fish. Shit, stuff like that scares this liberal blue county blooded gal. I swear a few days in San Bernardino really slaps me why I live in the Bay Area and stay there.

Most of my neck of the woods is totally developed. It's one shopping center after another smack dab in the middle of developments where the orange groves used to stand. I really do get depressed to see what is happening to the place where I grew up. Sure the sight of folks on road bikes should comfort me but most of the folks I've seen on road bikes were men. Where are Velo Girls when you need them?

Seeing my parents remind me that they are racking up in years. Pop just turned 64. Ma has a hard time walking. I wonder how much time they will have on this earth. Will it be enough where they will see me marry and have children and graduate law school and maybe see my first successful win for public office? Ma rattles off people that I grew up with having children. Pop is in good health. It's Ma that I worry about the most at times. She denies her diabetes condition. She even went ahead and dove into the apple pie I made.

Being home also hit home on how lonely I am. Honestly on Monday night I just cried more than a river. These days, I don't know how to react or what to say to Joe even though deep down inside I still love him quite a bit. I want him back in my life but I'm not sure about a relationship. Is the time right for us? Can we still be lovers and friends?

On the flight home to the Bay Area, I picked up an LA Times and read something how networks are thinking of charging folks for having digital on demand for certain programs. A lot of networks are feeling the bite of people using digital video recorders to tape shows and zip through the commercials. Advertisements are what drives networks to produce shows. No wonder a lot of televison shows are going for real prominently shown products like Coke on American Idol or Sears Kenmore appliances and Craftsman Tools on Extreme Home Makeover or Banana Republic clothes on Project Runway. The closing quote kind of made me shake their head saying that an owner of a digital video recorder said that he can now record other programs that are broadcasted at the same time as his favorite programs and watch them at a later time. Adding to more Americans being soft assed couch potatoes.

Television is a good thing once in a while but I'd rather wile the time away with a good book or writing or doing something athletic and adventurous.

I'm getting faster on my times. Yet I wonder if I am working out efficently since each time I get into exercising after 20 minutes, my heart rate drops. Hmmmm...

President Bush's second inaugural address. I heard it this morning and honestly, he ain't my president. It soldifies that fact that this nation is bathing in a sea of red state blood and moral Christian right winged value dogma that doesn't leave even a moderate Republican to breathe. I'm glad that Aunt Fel told me that most people in the Philippines totally hate President Bush. I thought Filipinos love President Bush since President Arroyo-Magapal totally loves him. Then again, most Filipinos hate President Arroyo-Magapal. It's the stupid Filipino Republicans that I want to kick in the ass.

UC Davis fee waiver denied. Ugh. Cough up $75.

I really need some motivation for those scholarship apps. Any ideas.

Yes prepping for this detox diet was a lot. But it serves as a good base for healthy future meals. Fuck I want something good and sweet now.

Today Is NOT A Good Day

Actually it started off on the right foot. I did manage to get out of bed this morning and do my progressive run at 6:15 am where I literally found out what anaerobic threshold means. Feeling good and getting things ready for the evening when I get home where I have to do laundry, get some food and pack for my flight home, I thought it would run like clockwork.

Not so.

Work was rather uneventful. Now is the time of year when hours are cut because people are not shopping. Thank God for the holiday folks that annoyed the crap out of me...they finally left more or less. However, customer issues are still daunting and get on my ire once in awhile. This one customer, I swear she was spinning some yarn that was taller than Paul mother fucking Bunyan and Wilt Chamberlain too saying that we charged her twice. The times I talked to her, she rambled on and on and I felt my brain shutting down and just wanting her to shut up so we can cut to the chase. Then making that grocery list for the detox diet that I will start when I come back from my trip. Unfortnately, I will be in the midst of it when I do the Punch and Pie ride next Sunday. Shit. I am not going to be a happy camper. Then I finally decided to go to Safeway after work. Had my snack- a mix of pecans, chocolate chips and a skim milk latte- on time. However, the caffine just doesn't hold it when I finish my trip. By the time I finish paying, I am cranky getting on the 22 Fillmore. I had a hard time deciding which cereal to get that was low sugar. Went with Special K. Low fat, yes. Low sugar, nope. Doh! Didn't realize it until I got home from doing laundry.

My down jacket I had to take in yesterday since it had Korean BBQ smoke from dinner the other night. Bad thing about Brothers as opposed to Coreo- Coreo had vents near its grills. The smoke absorbed into my jacket (my warm down one too) and my favorite beige pants which I wore today since I literally have no clean clothes left. Down jacket won't be back from the cleaners until tommorrow afternoon. I decided to wash my other jacket only to find out that you can't put it in the dryer. Shit. Forgot to put a knee warmer in with the rest of the laundry. Where is a good pair of sweats when you need it. I had to wear my stinky Geoffrey Bean jeans. There was a cute guy at the laundrymat- Asian too and he had an AIDS LifeCycle shirt. Several I saw. But he had too many boxers to show that it was only him. I figured he has some partner. Damn. And I bet he's white too. Fuck. Dragging that laundry cart overflowing with almost two weeks worth of laundry- why am I washing more clothes when I got my new position at Gap as opposed to two weeks of laundry when I worked at BR, the cart didn't overflow that much? I hate the walk to the laundrymat because I have this somewhat rickety laundry cart that I got at some store in the Inner Sunset and the wheels get caught in the cracks in the street when you're trying to cross. And then you have to maneuver it around people that are slow and cars that want to turn right and give you dirty looks as you slowly move your cart. Then you have this balancing act of trying to make sure nothing falls in the street or between the wheels. God forbid will you have to wash it again and you haven't worn it. Your bras are getting old, either showing holes or the underwire is bent out of shape. You see couples heading out to the bars on Valencia Street and on your way home, you wish you could just resolve shit with your ex. Why must it be like this? It seems like lonely pathetic Friday night where I am doing laundry. How bad is that? Even if we just sit around and eat munchies and watch whatever is on the tube with my ex is good enough. Damn and when was the last time I had sex? Can't I get a place where the washer and dryer are inside the building instead of toting down the street? Bills I need to pay. Applications I need to fill out. Fuck. I need to fill out that fucking financial aid form. When will those damn W-2s come in? Can't believe I spent so much on groceries tonight? All that for a one week detox diet? And there still is more to buy! And I need to get a birthday card for Pop. Still register for my 10K. Wonder if I can do a faster time than before. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I want something to make me feel better. A greasy cheeseburger ought to do. Make that with fries and a thick milkshake with ice cream. No veggie burger crap for me.

I swear my head fucking hurts and I'm cranky. I hate all this laundry. Stupid roommate Sacha is bitching that he's getting canned from his job. He's not a fucking team player. He's a broody whiny assed mother fucker. I want Joe back. I hate it when people say that I will find someone new and my response is that I want my ex back and they retaliate that this is what I am feeling now and I will feel different later. Fuck that. I want someone to suck up all the bad icky stuff and have everything be OK.

I want I want I want I want!!!

Fucking James Dobson and the fucking radical right. What do they know about bearing a child anyways. What do they know about carrying a baby to term. What do they know about having your choices being taken away. Fuck those radical right women who want to rescind Title IX and take away sports in schools. I want girl power and headstrong atheltic girls. Shut up about me not being married. At least I'm in better shape than your ass. At least I can run 26.2 miles and bike from here to Los Angeles with a vengance.

I think I'm done now. Didn't know venting via journal helps.

Hella

A slang word originating in Northern Cali. A synonym for "very". An extremely annoying word when spouted off the mouth from White boys who wanna be black or some colored minority.

Kids these days. *humph*

Yeah, I'm having my crotchety old bitch moment.

I caught up with two friends today- Zion and Cin. Both of them are job hunting and chilling. Zion looks great these days. He's got the afro going on now and just happy where he is these days. We talked about days in high school and just how things were back then. We wondered which guys in our class would ever come out and end up partying at Endup or Badlands or some random circuit party (the again I don't do circuit parties). I suspected our class president is in the closet but very closeted and most likely I'll find him in some summer beach house in Provincetown. Funny thing is that I don't have any close gay guy friends that do the Provincetown summer thing. I think it's more of an East Coast kind of deal.

I think about my life growing up in the Inland Empire. Honestly, I would never want my children to grow up there. Not even in the suburbs. I totally want them to be exposed to a lot of things and to fend for themselves and not just to think about things and material goods. The city is a vibrant place to live but you have to admit that the expenses can get to you. I think I would try my fucking darndest to raise my kids in the City. Then of course I would encourage them to go to school in Southern Cali or even out of state to make them realize what they have is very special and not every place is like the Bay Area or California in general.

Cin and I had dinner together. I'm still trying to mentally let go of Joe. You know it's really hard. I found myself pounding a lot of anger in this situation at the track. I still miss him. Cin could see it. I know there's a lot of things for me to look forward to but right now, I'm just missing him so much and just crying so fucking much. When will it all end?

Cold days. Rainy days. Days where I feel like cooking, baking. Days where I feel like staying in bed and reading and drinking peppermint tea.

Yes, there are the days where I want someone to snuggle with. Oh man, do I wish for those days. I still think about Joe and there are days where I hold onto dear life to the memories I have of him and what he looks like, the sound of his voice, etc.

Letting go is the most liberating but the hardest to do. I so want him back in my life. I don't want anyone else. I so miss him. But the events have happened and there is nothing I can really do. I could pray and beg and plead until my face turned blue but it is all up to him.

Everytime I read something in a book where the characters either have great sex or a blissfully cool relationship, I think of Joe. Sometimes I would swim in the pool of cool memories that I have of him. It wasn't like with Paul which I had so few good memories that I had to stretch them out but I honestly have a good cache of memories with Joe.

Tonight as I was baking, I thought about how I would be that uber-domestic mom at times, making cupcakes from scratch instead of a cake mix or buying them at a supermarket bakery. I thought about teaching my children how to be comfortable and conifdent in the kitchen. Most of the time as I was growing up, my experinces with baking had been confined to an old Betty Crocker cookbook Pop bought when he first came here to the states and was on its last legs. I thought about showing my little girl how to make cookie dough, seeing her with my eyes and thick black hair pulled into two pigtails or even Dutch boy short.

Suddenly I am reminded on how much Joe loved to cook. I suddenly remembered the time he made dinner for me on a whim after I came home from working a closing shift.

The words sound easier to form, the sentences and paragraphs coming together. Now it's all about sitting down and writing these thoughts.

But what is my purpose, my outcome that I would like from telling Joe all these things? A cleansing, a reprise, closure, the end, the beginning, an answer to a question. I'm not all too sure.

Being Domestic

The cold weather and rash of winter storms bringing in wind and lots of rain into the Golden State this past week, I have been cooking quite a bit. One thing I've been experimenting with is pie. I have the Punch and Pie training ride in a few weeks and I said that I would bake a pie.

So today was the day. After a long run this morning, I headed off to the Farmer's Market at Civic Center which is one of my favorite markets. I went to the apple stand and got a mix of pink lady and brandywine apples. Later in the day after taking a nap, peeled and cut apples and make some crust. I think trying something once before serving it to others is key.

But honestly, I love to cook. I love getting the best ingredients and being picky about what I want to put into. I have my favorite markets. I try to make things that time with the seasons of the year and get the best of the season produce. It does make a difference in what you are making.

And the aroma of apple pie is roving through the apartment right now. I am so grateful for having a place with a kitchen. There was a time in my life that I lived 9 months WITHOUT a kitchen. Just a microwave and an electric burner. Talk about poorer than poor. So every chance I get, I cook, I bake, I make food.

Mmmm...time to get the pie. Mmmmm...pie!

Caller You're On The Air...

This morning I was on KQED's Forum commenting on a book on high school reunions. I couldn't believe I was on and basically my answer was where I was talking out of my ass.

But it made me think of what I was in high school. I still was driven and focused (once I stepped out of Catholic school, I really focused on college courses and I honed in on getting into a UC- University of California- campus and really honed in on one school during my junior year) and very outgoing and worked very hard and was still hard on myself. But in my social sense, I was very conservative. I wasn't really against abortion but I wouldn't declare myself pro-choice. I harassed anti-war protestors (yes shocking assed fact) and wanted to have the cute white boyfriend (yes from a girl who now has a thing for Asian guys). Honestly, I think that the fact that I got away from my suburban public high school and the area it was in helped me really grow a lot.

But is the Inland Empire girl still present in this Bay Area woman? In many ways, yes but not to the point where I want to go back and have my kids exposed to what I grew up with. Maybe I might end up there in my later years...only if it's not a red county. I know for sure that I can never run for office with my views out there. I know that the orange groves can never come back. But there is a part of me that longs for those burgers and milkshakes from Bakers. Where I long to see the palm trees line above the cliff as you're going up Baseline from Highland to East Highland. In most situations, I don't disclose my Inland Empire roots.

Today was rather nice. I got a lot of sleep, drank a lot of tea, listened to NPR as I read my latest book and some magazines. So I managed to get through one issue of O Magazine and thumb through the latest one. Funny thing is that I subscribe to magazines yet don't make the time to really read them cover to cover. Some I do and some I don't.

Had a nasty eye infection due to wearing old contact lenses. My right eye was swollen and red and full of mucous. It got better after I slept for a good part of the day.

Interesting chock full of facts:

1) The Philippines doesn't have tampons readily available. I think this is because Filipinos think that tampons are some precursor to early sexual activity before marriage which I honestly think it's bullshit. However, I remembered some girls during my junior high years in Catholic school that were worried about using tampons. They thought having a tampon in your vagina was just plain gross and was like someone fucking you. I mean, after having sex with several partners, a tampon is way too skinny to be the same size as a swollen penis. Come to think of it, there were some guys I slept with that felt like I had a tampon stuck there where you didn't feel anything (I know, low blow). I also had a friend who didn't like tampons. She was half Filipinia, half Mexican but hated the idea of tampons. Honestly I hate the idea of pads and feeling like you're wearing a good pair of diapers. Kind of retroverting back to babyhood I guess. But a tampon is fine for my jocky lifestyle. And I better pack a box of my trusty Ob tampons in my suitcase.

2) Heard a comment from Sy Musiker, a commentator on KQED after Cal's loss to Texas Tech in the Holiday Bowl on December 30. He stated, "Maybe Cal didn't deserve to go to the Rose Bowl after all." Low blow, yes. Maybe he went to Stanford. In any case, I'm not sure if I want to hear the blaring trumpets of the USC Marching band blast "The Sons of Troy" anymore. And once upon a time, I wanted to go to USC just to be in the marching band. Then again, I would have turned Republican (eeeek!).

The lasrt few days I've been battling a cold. Mostly a stuffy nose that sometimes run and some sneezing and a sore throat. I'm wondering if Shelly and I will do our ambitious climb up the Headlands twice but it seems like maybe just a jaunt to Mill Valley going up the Headlands once will have to do. Maybe even a jaunt around the Embarcadero will have to do. Part of me just wants to even stay in bed and be a vegetable. Maybe by Friday I'll get a little better.

I've been nursing myself with lots of tea and fluids. Ever since I got it, I had to go into work. By the time I leave work, I'm OK. Not feeling too great though.

Today will have to be a day of rest, tea and books. Not a bad date afterall.

My First Post For 2005

Appropriately titled since my last entry was the last one for 2004.

Had a pretty good time overall last night with Alan and his friends. It wasn't until 20 some odd minutes until midnight when well, everyone got paired off except me. I didn't have anyone to kiss 2005 in. And believe me, I'm a rather picky person so you guessed it, I want some cute straight Asian guy to foot the bill.

Didn't find one. Part of me was really too chicken to do it.

I saw people kiss others and wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I tried to smile but when Alan saw me, I just buried my face in his shirt and cried.

Cried because it was like the strike of 12 midnight on December 31 said it was over for me and Joe. No more. Poof.

I woke up this morning with a slight hangover and a stuffy nose. I knew I had to get some tea in my system and a lot of water. I wondered if our old relationship had to die first before either of us can move onto new territory. Maybe that's what it is.

Have I forgiven myself.

No, not yet.