How Do You Keep The Music Playing

This song by James Ingram and Patty Austin was running through my head as I was doing the last few miles of my long run. Did I ever say that doing long runs solo really suck?

I'm now in this phase where I'm trying to make things work. Sometimes I wonder can I still love Joe and care for him when there's nothing, no reciprocation. As I joked before, I have had better conversations with brick walls than what I have had with Joe, the occasional voice mail left unanswered. I'm just really sad that it's dead. Not only our relationship but the dreams that went with it as well.

There comes a point where you just have to quit. I'm not the type of person that gives up so easily but maybe, just maybe, it's time to call it quits. The fact that now we've evolved into two strangers on two ends of town, never to intersect, never to meet.

Shit, it's dead.

And Now There Are Three...

Yes, three schools left to hear from. Hastings sent me a thin envelope- code for rejection letter. I've pretty much numbed out in terms of the rejection letters.

I know Plan B is this- leave Gap. See if I can work in public interest or something else that will give me some sort of satisfaction and a few benefits. Clean up my credit record. Take the LSAT(?). Research a few more schools. Schools I know that I won't apply to again- Hastings and USF. I actually want to leave the City for once. Places I'm thinking about that I didn't apply to this round- University of Chicago, Loyola Marymont (I know So. Cal but it's in the exploration phase). Run marathons up the wazoo- I'm thinking about Marine Corps and Cal International perhaps. Concentrate on inching down the marathon time.

I don't want to think about Plan B. At least I have some sort of contingency plan.

I will admit that these days, I'm not sure what I'm feeling towards Joe. It seems like he just fades further and further into the reaches of my memory. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or anything. I do care about him and still love him but I'm wondering if it's worth the effort of trying to get him back or just to let him drift off into a sea of the unknown where you just place your best wishes on him and let him go like a helium balloon. Lately as I have been corresponding with my long lost friend Pak who is coming out for a visit from Holland, I have been looking at photos of old of me and Paul from a time back when AIDS/ LifeCycle was just getting its start and I was still chubby and pig tailed. I know now that the two of us have drifted off into two completely different people that are very least likely to intersect. It has happened with most of the men I have dated and I figured that Joe might end up in the same boat. It is where in this boat, I feel that maybe there is no shot of us becoming what we once were and maybe reconnecting ourselves and finding that love we once had once and again.

I don't hate you no. But now you're just some memory that lives only in dreams and fantasies and past reveries. In my ordinary life, you are just dead, no where to be found or contacted or touched. It's as if we went our separate ways to the point where we are now strangers once again, the people we were before we met that fateful September night.

I try to be hopeful. I know that there is Spring after the bitter winter frost. Yet in its color and sunshine, knowing that you are not there, it still feels like winter.

A friend sent me an e-mail, something he replied to when I updated him on my news the other night. He gave me this to chew on:

Here's a quote from the Shawshank Redemption... "Get busy living or get busy dying". Choose to get busy living...because life does go on.

Reading that hit me like a ton of bricks. I wondered if I spent too much of my time in the last year or so dying. I know that I haven't been really living. More like buhay pa, just breathing. Not much a positive response. I'm trying my hardest not to let myself sink with what I have heard from so far in terms of law schools. But to know that Joe is gone, truly gone from the perspective of an outside stranger and the trust is gone...it's hard to accept.

Kishi brought up something yesterday. She said that it wouldn't matter if it was over between me and Joe because right now, what matters in my life is that I still do miss him a lot and care for him very much. Believe me, there are moments when I want to have that bit of love and tenderness once again, how I want that bit of happiness. All I can do is dissolve in a bowl full of tears.

I'm happy that Kishi is expecting. She's now in her fifth month. Yet, very sad. Maybe because I wonder who will be there to catch me when I need it? Will I still be going to therapy? Will I be strong enough to stand all by myself?

Funny that Sam (my friend) quoted the Shawshank Redemption. One time, Joe and I flipped through channels and we caught bits and pieces of it. I'm trying to recall the time around it. I think I was there at his place borrowing one of his LSAT study guides. I told him that I had to get going and hit the books which I did that night. However, he wanted me to stay a little bit but I told him I had to go.

I feel like a little girl, sitting there, mourning for the loss of someone significant in their life. A grown-ups voice says in the distance, "Edna, it's time to go now." And here I am, like a little kid, pleading, "Can I stay here just a little bit longer?"

Can I stay in the memories
Of you and me of long ago
With my blond bangs and spunky self
And you, Cal spirit and all
Lots of hugs
Kisses
Nights in bed snuggling and making love
A bowl of spicy carrots
Lots of salsa picante and bottles of Tapatia on your burritos
A box of snickerdoodles
A plate of pancit that reminded you of childhoods in Chicago
Can I stay with you holding me
Your chin resting on top of my head
My face buried in your chest
Sniffing the fabric softener and detergent from your shirt
Getting high
Can I stay in the memory of our first date
Our first kiss we shared on a bench in Dolores Park
Overlooking the City and the Bay
I wish I had more remnants of you
All I have is an old sweatshirt
And all my memories
My pictures of you in my mind
Can I please stay here for just a little longer
Because I don't know if I can make any more happy memories with you.

Therapy

I find myself exhausted after each session of therapy with Kishi. Maybe it's because I end up crying more than a river during my 50 minute sessions with her. At one time, we went into really long sessions and that left me really drained. I find every bit of energy zapped out of me. I've been seeing her for a year and still I find myself in this sadness, still fresh. Now I find all my memories of Joe fading, growing fuzzier and fuzzier each day. I still cry but not as much but the pain is still there. I honestly feel so dead to the world, dead towards opening my heart once again.

Lately I've pulled up a few snapshots of me and Paul from times past. I will admit that I burnt most of the photos I've had of Paul but saved only a few, especially one whimical one that Pak snapped of me and Paul at camp in Paso Robles. Looking back, I don't think that we would have made a great couple. I mean, we look great on film, on the surface. However, both of us had more issues that all the bags in the Louis Vitton collection could hold and then some. I'm not sure how he's doing. I just know that there is that part of me that will bump into him and he'll be strapped with a baby bjorn with a chubby infant in it. I just hope that I don't bump into Joe that way.

The last few days have been a jumble of thoughts and emotions, my insides and thoughts feeling like they are in some spin cycle of a dryer and just tumbling around, bouncing off walls and such.

This uncertainty has been going on for awhile. I haven't found any motivation to finish up my ABA scholarship application. Particularly because I have been frustrated with trying to get a letter of recommendation from one of my professors from quite a long time ago. I got one from Cadby but this is that one final part and also filling out the financial part as well for both my parents and myself. I have yet to decide whether to go on or not. I still feel a little discouraged due to the fact that I haven't recieved anything positive yet. I mull back and forth about my decisions and wondering what I need to do if I have to wait out law school for another year.

This uncertainty of my future has affected whether I would go on with AIDS/ LifeCycle or not as a cyclist. The last few training rides have erred me on the side of sticking it out and trying to fundraise and going but the other side has been pulling me to go roadie. Maybe I will have somewhat of a clearer picture either towards the end of the month or maybe before I leave for the Philippines in less than a month or so. I would never think that life would cause me to wonder about my committment of what I want to do. But I never thought about being a roadie. At least it would free up a lot of things in terms of trying to train and fundraise, especially doing a marathon the following month. I know there will be a part of me itching to ride but sometimes when life gets the best of you, you try to make some sacrafices. I know enough of the route that I have ridden. I know I will miss cheeseburgers and cinnamon buns at certain places but it is something that I know that will be in my memory banks for a long time. I know I still want to be part of this wonderful experience called AIDS/ LifeCycle.

Another part of this spin cycle of emotions is that I volunteered to share my faith story with my Reconnecting group this coming Saturday. I started writing it after the last Reconnecting group. So far, it has been a rather challenging exercise. Almost as challenging as writing my law school personal statement and whittling it down to a few pages. I started writing about my relationship with God throughout my years of growing up, my feelings of anger and lonesomeness thorugh my Catholic school years during 7th and 8th grade where I was uprooted from my friends and familiar scenes into an enviroment where most of the people in my class knew each other from kindergarden. I noted how my faith was strengthened during my junior year when I was going through the brunt of getting ready for college, balancing band and honors classes and smack dab in the middle of it all, Pop having his heart attack and wondering if he would be able to live. He survived through it. Good thing he had his faith to keep him fighting and a good health on his side. I stopped writing at that point, coming to a block. But later on, I picked up the pencil again and wrote about the pain of losing Joe, the night I cheated on him, the pain and anger and hurt I've gone through that still courses through my veins. Putting it all down in black and white just brings up a lot of the hurt. Last Sunday's reading about Adam and Eve being cast out of the garden after both of them have taken a bite of the forbidden fruit. Father Steve talked about how sin would sometimes make us feel isolated and ashamed of being in the presence of God. I know I have felt this ever since the day I made out with James and wanted to do more but didn't because I loved Joe too much. I thought I did the right thing in revealing to him my infidelity. It cost me my relationship with Joe and a lot of tears and pain. I still have that stark image in my mind that I told Kishi several months ago- where I am on a MUNI bus and Joe is there but he can't see me or hear me. How I try to communicate to him. How I can't see any familiar scenery outside the bus- just miles and miles of empty and flat prarire and/ or tundra. How I can't hear the stops being called out or hearing it in some garble that I cannot understand. I know that if I got off, I would not know where I am and there would be no marked bus stop or route map, not knowing when the next bus will come. Yet if I were to stay on the bus with Joe, that I would not get a peep, a response, nothing.

I'm listening to the best of Luther Vandross and one song that I have on right now is, "If This World Were Mine". I am reminded about E. Lynn Harris' book of the same title. Two of the characters of the book, Selwin and Riley are facing problems in their marriage. Selwin is withdrawing from his wife and Riley wonders what to do with her husband's behavior. She feels so isolated and alone in her pain and tries to find solace in her journal group and her attempts to improve her singing and poetry at the dismay of Riley's mother Clarice who wonders why she isn't being a good wife and mother. Clarice points out about Riley's mistake of getting pregnant during her junior year of college and giving birth to hers and Selwin's twins. Riley starts chatting online to someone that ends up being her husband. In this online exchange, she reveals how lonely she feels and how isolated she feels and how at times, she wants to give up this marriage. Selwin reveals to Riley later that he has been afraid of losing her and his successes and how he couldn't talk to this to her about this, therefore the withdrawl.

I wonder about mine and Joe's relationship. I miss him terribly. I really want him there, for us to work it out. To have our love and friendship back. How I ask for God's grace and forgiveness, how I ask Him to give me strength and courage to go through this grief and to find some way of forgiving myself for what I have done.

To add more flavor to the mix of life, work has taken somewhat of an interesting turn. Shortly after the New Year, the management announces that there will be a re-organizing of the management staff. The current managers had to re-apply for their jobs. Only very few have re-applied. There has been a complete overhaul of management staff. Only one current manager stayed. The rest are new, all of them from within the store. Even my boss opted out. I will miss Ross quite a bit. Our team is now without a leader. It makes me wonder about where I will be. I might leave soon. I'm thinking heavily about it. It all depends once I get all my law school responses.

So as I was riding today, I sat with these thoughts and emotions. Cycling is one of my favorite past times where I can totally get away from the City, be with nature, just me and the road and the occasional car where at times I can go as fast as I can either downhill or down a stretch of flat land. All this pain and unhappiness I sit with, I can just let it be there and where I can just deal with it. As I pedal, right foot, left foot, rinse and repeat, change gears, brake when I need to, sometimes the pain and mix ups in my head just magically disappear. I think about what I need to eat next, making sure that I drink enough fluids.

Now, I'm listening really closely to the next track of my Luther Vandross CD, "A House Is Not A Home". This is part of a two part CD set. The first CD has three songs that depict the state of mine and Joe's relationship since the break up- "If This World Were Mine", "A House Is Not A Home" and "If Only For One Night". Lately I've been feeling where things have been fading, where I don't want him to just leave me. At times I feel so angry at him. Angry at him for not saying anything. Angry at him for leaving me. Angry at him for leaving me with all this shit in my life. Sometimes I wonder if he's suffering as much as I am and I am angry thinking that he's just going through the last few months just living my life and ignoring all this.

Don't let one mistake keep us apart
I'm not meant to live alone
Turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs
And turn the key
Oh please be there
Saying that you're still in love
With me

I'm not meant to live alone
Turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs
And turn the key
Oh please be there
Still in love
I said
Still in love
Still in love
With me

It hurts that my feelings of how much I love him and how much I need him fall on deaf ears. It makes me want to strangle him but yet, I just sit here in all this pain and hurt.

The second CD of this set has songs that make me think of hope, what we used to have. One song is literally a wedding favorite, "Here and Now". This reminded me of one of Joe's college roommates that had this real extensive collection of R&B slow jams. Both of us would joke and try to see who could come up with the most obscure one hit wonder group with a cool slow jam.

I will admit that with most guys, I do imagine myself and a future with them. However, we never made it that far and come to think of it, the details of my image of the future with them are sketchy and incomplete. But with Joe, it seemed like everything was so crystal clear and in focus. Deep down in my heart, I do love him and want to spend my life with him.

Yet, with all the things right now, I'm not so sure. I just want to be sure once and again, like me getting on my bike and peddaling down a familiar path, knowing the turns, knowing when to gear up, gear down, go fast, slow down.

My life. My future. My love. My faith. All on shaky ground, like me going down Camino Alto the other day with a flat tire, the bike wobbly, me trying to break downhill, using all my strength and prayers to make sure I make it back safe.

I pilfered this from Kevin's blog but reading it totally reminded me of how Joe and I are now.

Keane – We Might as well be Strangers

I don't know your face no more
Or feel the touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers

For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

This morning, I tried writing him a letter but was rather unsuccessful. I managed to crank out about four pages of handwritten text until I just broke down and it just came out wrong. I gave up not only because I was frustrated but found out I was leaking and had to run to the bathroom rather quick. I now so have to do my laundry.

It seems like these days, everything about Joe is just fading. The memories and feelings are still there but not as acute and not as sharp and at times, not as painful. Yes, I still have a good deal of guilt and pain but it's gotten to a point where it just feels bearable. Or maybe everything is fading to black. There are times where I literally have to strain so that I can remember the little details.

I don't know if I could resolve or absolve anything that has happened so far. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

I have actually begun to dread fetching the mail lately. Today brought rejection letter number four from Georgetown Law Center. It was a bit of a relief yet a bit of sadness. I did look forward to going to the East Coast but all hope is not lost. I still have yet to hear from Northeastern. I know that the last time I went to visit DC, I was a tad sad since now DC is a town run by Republicans. Cin and I lived during the heyday of the Clinton era where being a Dem was a good thing. At least I averted the mid-term 1994 election sweep where former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and posse cleaned up House and proposed their Contract on America. Eww...

My feelings lately have been a lot of questioning myself and now wondering what to do next. I know that I don't want to go for yet another season of retail. I know that there might be the possibility that I might have to get up and try again. Maybe it buys me time to clean up my credit and other things. Yet, I just feel really uneasy, seeing most of my peers moving foward either in the marriage, baby or career tracks.

One of the books I borrowed lately and heard about on Terry Gross' Fresh Air was Little Children by Tom Perrotta. The main characters are Sarah and Tom, two people who marry and live in the burbs and have children and wonder about their place in life. Sarah is married to an older gentleman who is a brand name marketeer for restaurants and has a three year old named Lucy. She is in her 30s and wonders how she ended up in suburbia amongst mothers who are always complaining that they are tired and have a sense of rigorous control of the lives of their husbands and children (like Mary Ann case in point who drives a SUV as big as a UPS truck, listens to conservative talk radio all day, has a strict schedule that she imposes on her children and has sex with her husband Lewis at 9pm on Tuesday nights). Sarah is a stranger to these women because at one time in her life, she had ambitions. She was trying to figure out her sexuality in college, had a stint in graduate school and feeling like a failure and not seeing any prospects of a job, she drops out of grad school and works at Starbucks where she meets Richard and marries and has Lucy. Tom is the hunky good looking stay at home dad studying for the bar exam for the third time and raising his three year old son Aaron as his wife Kathy is trying to make a nitch for herself as a documentary filmmaker. Tom and Sarah end up having an affair. Each of the characters in the book has this dream, this wish for themselves that their lives would be better if something where to happen which involves a person that is out of their reach.

In reading Little Children (it was one of those "I'm not going to sleep until I'm done" books), it made me question about how fleeting my life has become. I wonder where I am going. I fear of trying to grab the first thing I could hold onto and finding myself somewhere where I do not want to be. I'm watching my peers go into career track and mommy and daddy track and marriage track and I feel like I'm far from the road I'm supposed to travel yet feel comfortable on the road where I am now but sometimes want some sort of change.

It's times like this where I feel completely sad. Where I want to be that little kid to be scooped up and cooed by her loved one saying that things will be ok and being reassured by hugs and kisses. I wonder if God will every give me that moment to communicate with Joe once and again. Could we patch things up?

I have been a tad neglectful on a number of things. This includes blogging even in my regular blog not to mention I haven't posted anything on my training blog. I thought about using a format that my co-worker Kevin does and just put several topics on one entry but with my ADD-ish kind of mind where I tend to jump from one subject to another, that would be a stretch. So bear with me if you can't follow some sort of logical path through my stream of conciousness-like post.

So this past week was Chinese New Year, Ash Wednesday and my birthday. Celebrated Chinese New Year with a fete at my friend Alan's place. I arrived after work and closing the store and most of the cycling posse (Nick, Robert and Shelly) left. Tammy and George and an assortment of Alan's friends were playing mah jong or a variation of sunka, a game of shells that I played as a child with Grandma. Seeing Denise and her friend Craig attempt sungka reminded me of my fond childhood and made me miss Grandma dearly.

My own celebration of Chinese New Year is running the Chinatown YMCA 5K run. I saw a few SFRRC members and ran into the wife of a former AIDS/ LifeCyclist. Susan was looking great and fit and her own experience doing the Susan Komen 3 Day Breast Cancer walk last year got her to run and go for a triathalon. I did a personal best- 28:00 according to the race clock, 27:28 according to my watch. I was running a real great pace and I was so happy. I ended up napping for a good few hours this afternoon.

It was Ash Wednesday when I decided to really get back in touch with my spirituality. I would sometimes go to Most Holy Redeemer in the Castro for Mass. Mostly my thing about going to Mass was going to the one that was convienient to my schedule. However, in some parishes, I didn't feel welcome or I didn't feel home. Most Holy Redeemer so far has been one that felt like home. When I went to Most Holy Redeemer for Ash Wendesday services, I picked up a flyer about a group called "Reconnecting", a group of Catholics that have been seperated from the Church that are looking to come back. I went to my first meeting yesterday. I was indeed the youngest member of the group and it really felt welcoming. It was a relief because in a sense, I felt that my spirituality has been lagging lately, especially I felt its low reserves during the last few days when I got a slew of rejection letters and not feeling the greatest in the world. I have let it lag mostly because, I felt so isolated from God on a number of things. I felt the most isolated from God and basically hid myself in shame from God when I cheated on Joe and we broke up. I felt like I rejected the gift that God gave me in having Joe in my life that I couldn't even bear to go to Mass. The times that I have been to Mass (holy days, numerous funerals, Christmas, Easter) I felt that I didn't belong there with my sinfulness and my pro-choice and pro-gay rights beliefs. Many times I have to admit that I was angry at God for letting me cheat and letting things between me and Joe fall apart. Going to the first meeting of Reconnecting felt right, almost like therapy but better. I don't want to say it's going to replace therapy but it's a start towards mending my own fences and doing what I call "inner work". After going to Reconnecting, it was nice to step into the 10am Mass this morning and feel welcome with open arms. In the long run, I want to re-establish my relationship with God and my spirituality which is important to me since this was instilled in me when I was young. Sure I have some bones to pick about some of the decisions about my spiritual upbrining such as being punted to Catholic school during junior high without consulting with me first. But the prayers and the rituals even of Mass are part of my life of who I am as a person, as a Filipina.

Another thing that I have neglected is cycling. I'm looking forward to tommorrow and heading out to Woodacre and just getting a breakfast sandwhich and seeing how far I can go. I might just go out there and head on back or maybe go over to Lagunitas and then head on back. We'll see how I feel. I was thinking about riding on Wednesday but the forecast says rain. Fuck.

I'm actually starting to be an NPR junkie. Listening to all the programs during the day on KQED. I even have the clock radio set to KQED and sometimes listen to whatever I miss online. The good thing was that I made a pledge to KQED. It's like a newspaper, only better. Listening to different stories and news of the day and just even trying to solve the Sunday Puzzle- things that I totally look forward to. One of my co-workers, Dan, totally loves NPR as well. Science, politics, world affairs, arts, books. Things I want to read and learn and grow.

I made homemade chocolate cake for my birthday. Now I'm going to make some pie and wait for whatever fruit is in season.

Hopefully I get into law school. I'm not sure what Plan B is if I don't get in whatever Plan B might be. Who knows what will happen.

The last few days haven't really been the best. I got yet another rejection letter yesterday. This time from NYU. Sometimes I wonder where is the rainbow in the midst of all this rain.

Today, Shelly, John and I did the Headlands- twice. I felt really good about it and not so out of shape. It was such a great climb and with friends too. While I was waiting for John and Shelly to arrive at the Bridge, a camera crew from KTVU Channel 2 news got my thoughts regarding levying a toll on cyclists crossing the bridge. I shared him my 2 cents worth of ire and displeasure of the idea.

With the NYU rejection hanging around my head, I didn't do so hot on yesterday's track workout. I was managing to keep a nice 4:02 to 4:05 pace on 800 meters but petered out at the 4th lap. I called it quits after that. We were supposed to do a good 6 to 8. The times I put out on the track made me wonder if even a Boston time is possible. What am I really thinking?

It also made me think about what was I really thinking about applying to law school.

On this eve of my birthday and the celebration of Chinese New Year and Ash Wednesday, I went to Mass this evening at Most Holy Redeemer in the Castro. It has been awhile since I stepped foot into a church and felt comfortable. I really do want to renew my faith in God and in all things. I really lost it when I cheated on Joe and I felt so shitty that I felt that I don't even belong in church.

Speaking of Joe, I remembered last year on my birthday I really yelled at him for forgetting it. It was a few days later that I made him a batch of snickerdoodles and we decided to have some space for awhile. It has been really tough and there is still a lot of pain. I feel that I need to get off the therapy wagon for a bit to process it myself and really think things through with Joe and this portion of my life where I am getting results from law schools.

Damn it, I want a thick envelope for once!

I'm really trying my best to make the best light of my situation right now. I'm still really bummed about not getting into Boalt Hall. I really wanted to. But come to think about it, I really wanted to because I wanted Joe to love me once again.

Truth is hard to face as is reality. I'm trying to swallow this big assed fact that Joe isn't coming back no more. I know, gramatically wrong English but it's a fact. Joe isn't coming back.

I know I have to be selfish and concentrate on me. Right now, I'm having a hard time. When I do concentrate on me, I realize how lonely I am. I realize what horrible deed I did that got me in this situation with Joe.

I know begging at his door won't get me anywhere. Neither will crying. I just want something from him. Even a little crumb of info.

I wonder if me not getting into Boalt solidifies that Joe isn't coming back.

Seems like the odds are stacked against me in this.

Fucking shit I just so want to cry.

Guess I'm Not Gonna Be A Golden Bear

Got home from work tonight to find a rather thin envelope from Boalt Hall. My first instinct was, "Uh oh!"

Opened up the letter.

I'm not going to Boalt Hall.

So much for being a Golden Bear.

Honestly, this one has to really hurt. I was riding so much on getting into Cal. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe if I got in, maybe things with me and Joe will change. Guess not.

It seems like we're just drifting futher and further apart as each day passes. I was hoping that maybe some common bond like both of us having some experience at Cal would bring us back togther if not closer.

Now it's making me doubt my ablitites and faith in everything. I wonder if it totally colors the whole law school process. I don't even have a plan B, not even a clue of what to do.

I wonder if all these signs such as Ma sending me this clipping that higher education is nice but it won't guarantee you a job and reading a back issue of O Magazine and seeing Suze Orman's column and advice of not going back to school if your debt is shitty. It brings up those feelings of Day 1 of my first AIDS Ride, CAR 8 when I injured myself and just feeling so shitty that maybe I wasn't meant to do this ride.

Makes me wonder if I was meant to go into law school. It's making me doubt every part of me now.

Reading blogs of college acquaintances now really makes me doubt. The kids, the marriage, the house in the burbs. Makes me wonder if my single life of running marathons and doing multi day charity rides and my liberal streak think I'm doing shit wrong.

*sigh*

Blah

If you were to ask me to describe how I'm feeling today in one adjective, that would it be it. Blah.

I'm not really feeling any movement in my life right now. I'm actually feeling quite unmotivated. I haven't done any speed work lately. Partially because of my schedule and partially because of the weather (it rained on the track when I was planning to run there last week). I feel totally thrown out of balance. Today I don't feel like going. Well, then again yesterday, Shelly and I went out for a 20 something mile ride to test out her new bike and I ran later on that night. No wonder I didn't feel like getting up and going to yoga and doing the Tib loop.

Plus last night, the speed/ pedometer pod on my shoe was acting funny. It didn't register how far I went last night which was a pain.

I made chocolate brownie pudding pie last night only to find out that I a) ran out of cocoa powder, b) ran out of brown sugar and c) the pie pan wasn't big enough to find the brownie part all over the cookie sheet that I put under the pie pan. I also ran out of peppermint candies to make the peppermint ice cream that went with it.

I did get a rather belated reply from some guy that answered my craigslist ad last fall. I'm not sure if I want to go hang out but I said I was willing to. Honestly I'm in it for the sex myself if you were to ask me. I mean, you would be too if the last time you had it was November 2003.

It's Official...

1) I'm registered for the San Francisco Marathon.

2) I have my plane ticket for my trip to the Philippines and the time off to take it.

3) I have my new driver's license to tote around.

Wow!