This might be my last entry before I head off for my trip.

Usually the night before a large trip, there is a lot of stress and anxiety. I was facing that a few nights ago. It has somewhat subsided now that most things are packed.

Going for one more run tommorrow before heading out. Wouldn't hurt.

Went to Mass tonight. It was a special reconciliation service. I waited a good hour or so for Father Steve to hear my confession. He has been teaching our Reconnecting classes. I felt a lot better about it.

Well, one more law school. Then let's see where things go.

One of the few things where I feel a great sense of accomplishment is running. I love to run. If things are hectic and really crazy, nothing beats lacing up my shoes and pounding the pavement for a few miles. I like looking at the scenery at such a slow pace. However, running long distances by myself sucks beans. I like running with other people.

Cycling also does the same for me. Yet running is a little more personal for me. Cycling is something I do for fun. Running brings out more of a competitive edge to me. I get a lot more ambitious with running.

With both sports, I'm able to just focus on me and what is up ahead. I play around with ideas in my head. I have conversations with God on a number of things, mostly all the angst that I have been facing lately. Sports is certainly the best stress reliever.

Now if only I can take that with me to my trip.

Do What I Gotta Do

My godbrother Chris has this song playing on his Xanga. It's an old Ralph Tresvant song. It basically describes what I feel with Joe.

I think I've told you about how I just don't want to try anymore. It's because I don't have it in me anymore. I feel that the more that I try, it will just get worse. I just have to leave it to be and just leave him alone altogether. It's difficult because there is part of me that wants him to be there but he can't.

I'm wondering, well, I think the timing was pretty shitty for the two of us. Both of us are at these crossroads in our lives- me with applying to law school and Joe just wondering what to do job wise.

Right now, I feel like I'm in this limbo, not knowing where I will be, hanging on the cusp on uncertainty where you just want to cry so much. You want to move yet where do you move you wonder. I hate seeing the end of this happening to the both of us but it has happened.

I honestly feel like I'm living halfed assed not there. Just going through the motions. Not feeling alive. The only thing that has made me come to life is my athletics. And that can only go so far.

When will it end. When can I stop crying, feeling so alone.

Return of An Old Friend

I bought my first journal in a long time. I think I stopped buying blank books in order to save on funds. However, with my upcoming trip to the Philippines, I totally need it since I won't be as accessable to a computer out there. I needed a real thick one and luckily FLAX had a rather whilmiscal one in stock, a hardbook sketchbook (I like it when the pages aren't lined) lined in denim and a pocket made to look like it's part of a jean. Since jeans are an American invention made here in San Francisco (that is where Levis were born), I thought this would be a nice ode to chronicle my trip.

Last week had me popping tyhpoid vaccine. Now I'm popping malarial medicine, something that I have to pop in once a week for the next few weeks. I also read in my travel guide that Kaiser Permanente gave me that I can't donate blood for a year since there might be malarial strains running through it.

Speaking of pills, I also have to finish up the antibiotics that were prescribed to heal my wound. I've been pretty good, trying not to skip doses. I just don't want to forget during my trip which I might have to pop some pills as well for the first few days. Not too bad.

The next few days is more of a matter of packing and wrapping up things. I go for my last run on Monday, my last bike ride Sunday, my last day of work on Tuesday.

I know that I have been using this space to mainly mope and whine about my ex-boyfriend. I left Joe a message tonight and it has been getting harder just to keep things going. I'm this close to just giving up altogether which was what most people and even my innermost conscience have been guiding me. But I am pretty stubborn when it comes to things I believe in and right now, I just need to put it away. I need to get up and move on. Even my memory is fading in the sense that the memories that I have of Joe are now becoming rather vague and fuzzy. The details are not as sharp. Maybe that's why the emotions are not as pointed.

It's hard to say goodbye. It took me a long time to say goodbye to Paul and many others. But something during LifeCycle 2 pointed to me that he isn't a good person after all. I'm sorry that Paul turned out that way. But in retrospect, I don't think our lives would have played out nicely. I'm not too sure about Joe. I know at this point in our lives, we're both going in such opposite directions, such polar ends. It hurts when I feel so alone and I just want Joe just to be there and reassure me that things are going to be OK. It hurts to see how everyone else seems to go along life and love so seamlessly and effortlessly. I want to express my feelings and emotions to this man but I can't. Partially because I'm afraid of getting hurt and partially because he's not there to recieve those things from me.

Wounds

Though wounds depict something torn and scars and all that gruesome stuff, I like the sound of the word.

That was what I had yesterday. I had to get a wound drained.

At first when I saw a bump on my upper right inner thigh, I disregarded it as an insect bump that will eventually go away. It escalated into a blood filled, infected bump that throbbed and was tender to the touch. Sunday was the worse of it when I was tired and had a hard time sitting and the night before, I couldn't sleep because it hurt so much. An appointment to Kaiser led me to a prescription of antibiotics and my wound being drained and packed with packing. Although both the doctor and the nurse practioner told me to take some time off, I ended up going to work anyways.

The wound is still tender but not has painful as before. So far it has been draining nicely. I just need to continue on the antibiotics up until my trip and things will be fine.

I'm not sure what the cause could have been- an ingrown hair, an infected hair folicle, a break in the skin that got some bacteria in it. All I am glad is that it's drained and I feel better. Give myself some rest and I'll be out running and cycling again.

I'm now reflecting on other wounds that are slowly healing. Funny how these days I'm not too overly concerned about Joe anymore. I just wish him the best and God's grace to help me forgive myself. Maybe he might be back in my life, maybe not. I have slowly come to learn to embrace one conclusion as equally as the other.

Wounds. They do heal.

Ten by Ten

I was browsing through blogs as I usually do. Kevin had something rather interesting inspired by a site called tenbyten.org. It is a mosaic of images that is a snapshot of the most influential things in his life; his version was seven by seven with room to spare (45 images out of 49 images).

I thought if I had my own 10 by 10 (100 images) or even a 7 by 7, what would I put? This is when I wished I had a scanner or a digital camera but I thought about what are the things, people and events that have influenced my life. As I give it some thought, here they are. Bear in mind that it is only a snapshot of me and only a small slice of who I am.

1) AIDS/ LifeCycle & California AIDS Ride
2) The Los Angeles Marathon- my first marathon
3) my family
4) Amy- my best friend since kindergarden
5) Rachel- my best friend since high school
6) Nick, Shelly, Alan, Ben, Jeanne, Cal, Bob, Julie, Craig, David, Stephen, Susan- friends I have met through AIDS/ LifeCycle and AIDS Rides
7) Alain and Francis- my two "adings"
8) San Francisco- my home
9) San Bernardino- where I grew up
10) Redlands High School
11) Redlands Terrier Marching Band
12) my clarinet
13) Lisa Simpson- my cartoon alter-ego
14) NPR
15) The New York Times
16) The Los Angeles Times
17) Capitol Hill/ The House of Representatives
18) AIDS Action (work)
19) the red AIDS ribbon
20) Maria Belvie Miranda aka Mabelda, my road bike, a 43cm Gunnar Sport
21) my Saucony Grid Omni 8 shoes (running shoes)
22) my yellow Nalgene water bottle
23) my Godson Jesse
24) America Is In The Heart by Carlos Bulosan
25) Bend It Like Beckham
26) Buddy (my dog)
27) LiveStrong bracelet
28) AIDS/ LifeCycle bracelet
29) Joe
30) Cindy
31) Andrea- reminds me of my DC days
32) my Timex runners watch
33) For Better or For Worse (my all time favorite comic strip)
34) My diploma from UC Irvine
35) UCI Kababayan
36) Search to Involve Pilipino Americans
37) Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors (my first political internship)
38) Elmy- my political mentor
39) Robert Barnes- former boss and political consultant that taught me everything about San Francisco
40) Ben- the person who has taught me everything I can about life as someone who is HIV positive
41) Most Holy Redeemer
42) Jen- my March for Women's Lives partner in crime
43) Planned Parenthood Golden Gate
44) The March for Women's Lives
45) Washington, DC
46) The Debut
47) The Chrysler Building in New York City
48) DeFeet socks
49) my journals

Shoot, this is hard to really encapsulate ones life in so few images.

Embracing An End

Yesterday during therapy, I kept on asking Kishi if Joe and I were to get back together and if he is ever coming back. She looks at me and says, "It doesn't look like it." I kept on repeating these questions throughout the session. Maybe there is a part of me that wants to have a final say to the end of this chapter in my life.

As daunting and sad as it sounds, funny thing is that I'm more willing to embrace it and just go on with my life. I feel that more and more during my runs which have been somewhat of a saving grace for me. In the difficulties of life, some turn to food, drugs and booze for comfort. I lace up my running shoes and go for a run. I love it especially when there is a light shower like there was tonight.

I've come to the point where I just don't have the energy to deal with Joe anymore and to even fight to try to reconcile things. I'm not one to give up but I just can't do it anymore. It hurts more to even try to save things now. It makes me really sad because Joe still holds a special place in my heart. If he were to come back to me, I'm not sure if I would be able to jump back in. Partically because all the efforts that I've tried to make amends, he just wouldn't pick up the phone. Many times I have contemplated calling him at work but I nixed the idea, remembering the time I chewed him out after he forgot my birthday last year.

In the process of reconnecting with God and my Catholic faith, I've gained a lot more strength in the process. I've gotten to learn more about the teachings of the church, some that I don't believe in but am very humbled to hear that it takes a stand on certain things I do believe in. I'm lucky to have such a very open and warm parish to go to in Most Holy Redeemer. Funny thing is that I'm thinking if I were to get married, I would have my wedding there. Yeah, the Castro fag hag still lives and breathes within me.

At this time, I'm not ready to date. Mostly because I'm not sure where I will be in the next 6 months. I'm hoping and praying for positive news on law schools. I've gotten to a pretty bad negative slump from hearing all those rejections. But I know that I can always apply again and this time, really strengthen my application. I know that all will be OK.

Once upon a time, I hoped that Joe and I would get back together despite what happened. Now I'm more of the school of thought that I hope that Joe is OK and that he his happy with his life, even if it's without me. I'm sad that we cannot make anymore memories. I can't see us together or even being friends for the time being. Maybe by the grace of God, we're able to move forward from the pain and maybe, if it is meant to be, we can be friends.

Good to dream right?

***

Some random thoughts:

1) Do you gain major weight once you're in a relationship? I've read that somewhere in one of my magazines I read on a regular basis, I think it was Self. It's just that I've come across some photos of college friends who have been together for quite awhile and one has gained serious weight. I think she was at one time during our undergraduate years, a little under 100 lbs. It looks like she's now a good 135lbs or so, my old weight.

2) Funny random thought- Last night, I was at Safeway getting some groceries. I was passing through the pharmacy part and saw the back of some Asian guy with a red and white checkered shirt, glasses and jeans. I thought to myself, "That person reminds me of Ferd." He turns around to pick up something and lo and behold, it was Ferd! Later on as I was walking down Church St with my groceries, I saw Ferd and Steve in Ferd's little convertible. The were on 15th Street. I waved hello to both and they waved back. I'm sure they recoginzed me under my little beannie that I was wearing.

3) It's Girl Scout Cookie season. Might as well get a box for the long trip to the Philippines. Maybe I could share them with cousins and relatives.

4) I'm still amazed at how much weight I lost last year. I'm pretty much hovering between 115lbs and 120 lbs. I have pretty defined leg muscules from cycing and running. I just need to build a bit more upper body and core strength. I have yet to use those resistance bands I got from Lombardi's the other week.

5) I can't believe I chopped my hair a good three years ago. These days when I see women with long hair, I can't imagine having it. It takes so long to dry and so much to manage. I'm so used to now just getting up and go. It fits my athletic lifestyle these days.