Mix Like Stir Fry

A book that has been a favorite of mine and I have rediscovered again is M. Evelina Galang's collection of short stories in Her Wild American Self. With her fictional Pinay protagonists set in the Midwest, each story talks about the constant conflicts and questions that a first generation Filipinia faces: should she be dutiful and obedient as defined by traditional Filipino roles where the male is the dominant gender or should she be defiant and indendendent and outgoing like here American counterparts.

Dotted in between these fictional stories, Galang puts in her own personal reflections in the beginning, middle and end of the book. The last story of the book, "Mix Like Stir Fry" has hit home for me in most recent times, especially coming back from the Philippines. Lately I have been trying to find some delicate balance to incorporate these two different, often clashing cultures. For a long time, I have been trying to find the right formula, the perfect mix of Filipino and American. However, my own mix is uniquely my own. Not every American born or American raised Pinay has the same experience as me.

I sit back and reflect for the last few days because that is what I am limited to that due to my illness that I have rather valuable and unique experiences to pass onto my future children. For the longest time, I dodged motherhood and marraige like a bullet, going after goals instead of guys, knowing that my worth should be measured in my achievements and actions not how marriageable (if there is such a word) I am and how many children I can bear. I have come to a point now, even though I don't have an established career path and have yet to achieve greater dreams (attending and completing law school and running for public office), I know that I have the skills and knowledge to become a mother and pass on things to my children. My biggest fear of motherhood was that I would be limted to just being a mother and nothing else. True motherhood takes up a lot of time and energy and shifts a lot of things in one's life. Yet, I want my children to see that I am an individual as well as the one that has given them life.

Call it really ticking biological clock but I'm not too scared. Even if I have one child, I will cherish that individual and expose them to both cultures as best I can. I will expose them to many people, many places. I will do my best to maneuver them through life and give them the skills and confidence to go out in the world on their own when they are ready or if needed to whichever comes first. I want them to know the beauty and richness of their Filipino heritage, the strength in family and faith, the passion Filipinos hold for what is dear to them and at the same time, mix that with the freedom to be an individual, to be open and tolerant of all people, and the ability to speak their mind and opinion and be who they want to be regardless of race, gender or age, things that are found in the States. It is a tall order for me to fill. However, I have come to embrace me fully (at times I find it difficult but it's a work in progress) to where I can confidently and truly devote my life when the time comes for a child.

Infection

I ended up with a rather nasty bacterial infection this past weekend. I discovered a rather large bump near my crotch as I was leading a training ride on Saturday. I was feeling rather crappy towards the end of the ride and didn't really want to be social. However, I caught up with Jef, another training ride leader coming from another training ride in Larkspur and we chatted all the way from Larkspur to Mike's Bikes in Sausalito. We even chatted up Camino Alto which can be a real bitch of a hill. We realized this and were amazed how strong we were as cyclists. After the ride when I went home, I made an appointment with Kaiser to have the wound checked out.

The doctor looked it over on Sunday morning. He tried draining it, yet it didn't drain any pus, only blood. It was not like the last absessed wound I had a month ago. He took a culture of it as well as a culture in my nasal passages and gave me antibiotics and a doctor's note. I went over to work to deliver the doctor's note only to find myself shaking and feeling rather weak. Kevin and Dianne were shooing me to go home. I must have looked terrible. It felt like waiting for the BART to take me home was an eternity. I managed to struggle back home, pop in the antibiotics, drink a whole lot of water (since that's what it said in the prescription), and slept most of the day. I had the heater on since I was really cold and at one point when I woke up, I was sweating. I had a headache so I took some Advil. By the time the afternoon rolled in, I was fine. I managed to sleep a lot more yesterday and a bit of today.

Literally this infection brought my life to a screeching halt. Maybe it's because the last few weeks have been rather stressful in terms of getting my life going and a lot of other events: finances, planning a training ride, law school stuff, relationships. I'm just really glad I'm healthy right now and I'm getting better. I now know that I just need to take things bit by bit as they come. I found myself all last week being rushed and hurried and trying to cram way too many things in one day.

Even with the law school stuff, I have to take it day by day. I figured that was what the waiting list has been making me doing. I know that I will be fine with a lot of things. I just have to have faith in God with what is going to happen.

Right now, things have been a little hairy. At least I had some sense of things when I talked to Northeastern University School of Law this morning. I have some sense of things I need to do such as revise my resume and draft a memo. Put in an appointment to talk to the Dean of Admissions. Really put my heart out there. I'm just really scared. I don't have a plan B. I really don't want to work in retail forever. I'm not sure if I would be qualified for financial aid and stuff like that. How will I be able to move out to Boston. I hate being in this waiting space. I just want to hang my head down and really really really cry.

I wonder if my dreams will ever come true. I don't know about where things will go. I'm just in this fog of uncertainty and anxiety and doubt.

Now if only I can find comfort.

The last few days, I've somehow managed. Lately I haven't been really too happy at work but at least I'm getting paid and benefits. I've managed to get some of my running energy back with a good speed workout yesterday. However, I got major blisters. I wonder if I need new shoes or what?

I led a training ride today at the last minute. Shelly didn't feel like riding after a cat totally scratched her through her nail on her middle finger on one of her hands. Luckily I had my helment cover with me and John and I led one other rider up to Fairfax. It was a nice ride and I was a little slow on the hills but come around Day of the Ride, I should be fine.

I ended up mailing out my taxes today. That is out of the way. Now the memo has to be done. So much to do, so little time *sigh*. I saw a good deal on JetBlue the other day. Now if only I had the funds to make it happen for a trip to Boston to see the campus.

I e-mailed Joe yesterday for his birthday. No reply so far. I figured, well, if he sees it, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. At this point in my life right now, as much as I would like to have him back into my life, I don't want to let anyone get too close with all the stuff that is happening right now. I have too much going on.

Now it's time for me to read and hopefully by this weekend, I'll start up on my journal about the Philippines again. A classmate from my Pilipino 10B class at City College shared with me his travel journal or a page from it. Now I'm inspired to finish mine. Major work in progress.

Archie's birthday (my nephew) is coming up soon. I want to get him a map of the United States and show him all the places I have been to and have some pictures done too. It's going to be a major project. Archie is the oldest of Ading Boot's boys and he was the one who asked me about the States. I asked him what he knew and he said he's heard about Chicago. He's going to be 11.

Back to my book now. I'm still finishing up my California Reading series that KQED had on the air last year and the year before. I'm behind since I still have to finish reading the book for March.

So far, the past week has been a lot of adjusting and struggles, ups and downs. I'm trying my best to stay afloat through all this madness and insanity in my life right now.

I finished with my taxes which is a huge relief for me. I totally owe. I wish I had a refund. *sigh* At least I know now, as much as I am tempted to, to never ever early withdrawl from an IRA and/ or a 401k.

When I got back from the Philippines, I got a letter from Northeastern University School of Law, the only law school I haven't heard from. I was offered a place on their wait list. I smiled. It was a huge relief from all the rejection letters and now I'm working on seeing if I can get a spot in the incoming fall class. Keep your fingers crossed and good thoughts going that way.

I got back into running. The first time I was sore but got better. Saturday I ran with a much slower pace group. I managed to slog through a little over 13 miles with no discomfort. I think I'm ready to go back into Orange; green was really slow for my pace. I think with a few weeks of track workout, I'm ready to roll.

Now I'm not too sure about racing on Sunday. Doing a 10k when I haven't even done major training. Maybe we'll just take it as it is. Just gage my process. With everything going on these days, my only major concern is that I finish the damn marathon. Beating my personal record is a secondary goal. Wait a minute, I know I can finish a marathon. OK, let's shoot for time then.

My mind keeps adjusting and readjusting, trying to find some sense and semblance of my life now and how my experiences in the Philippines are trying to fit in this. It's not an easy adjustment and like my journey in faith and God, reconciling my Filipino half is a journey and maybe there won't be some sort of closure in that area. We'll see about that.

I do miss mga pinsan akin at mga kaibigan rin. I got a little e-mail from Ading Boots and a brief message from Ading Alain. I'm slowly getting the LiveStrong bracelets altogether. I'm now waiting for the adult ones to come in for the rest. Ading C-Anne and Ading Boots are getting the youth sized ones which I already got. I managed to snag them before they ran out last week at NIketown.

I'm looking at the calendar and I realized something. Joe's birthday coming up in a few days. Now I'm not too sure about opening up that issue again with all the changes that have occurred in both our lives. Honestly I'm not in a space to take this up right now nor I am not in a space right now to date anyone new. I just don't know where my life is right now. So much is happening.

I went through something similar to this when I came back from my first AIDS ride years ago. I dated Ron briefly after I got back from CAR 8 and it wasn't the best thing for me at that time now that I think about it.

In my renewed sense of self and faith, I do keep some people very dear to my heart in my thoughts and prayers. They know who they are.

Yay! I'm back!

So much has happened in the last few weeks both during and after my trip. I'm still trying to process everything as I get back to normal life. Hopefully the jet lag will stave off soon and I will get used to the old grind once again.

I decided to chronicle my experiences in a blog. I have a lot of pages left in my blank book that serves as a template for me for what I would like to put in my blog including photos. I plan to make one of my stories as something for a spoken word piece. I figured that I would set aside some time to write no matter how tired I was. I needed to keep things fresh and new.

I am waiting to see if there are anymore LiveStrong bands. Mga pinsans (my term I affectionately call my first cousins- Alain, Abby, Oogs, C-Anne, Paul, Jojo, Ricky, Ferdie, Boots, Cocoy and Jeng) are getting them. Niketown SF is backordered. And Oogs really wants one. And Paul gave his yellow Iverson bracelet away to one of the guys over in Carbaroan when we were there.

Why the LiveStrong bracelets? Because each of them has shown me the strength that they have developed, something we all have in common. It's not a fashion trend but a testament that they, like tea bags, can hold up in hot water. And then some.

OK, time to write. More later.