The Big Suit

I titled this post because I wanted to share something that I discovered last spring when I was cleaning out my closet.

I was trying on my suits, the ones that I wore during my political days in Washington, DC. The size 6 and size 8 suits now fit my body like a little girl trying on her mother's clothes and playing "dress up". I was excited that a lot of my clothes did not fit due to all the cycling and running and yoga I was doing but scared that if I gave all those things away, I would not have anything left.

I feel that way now. I found out last week that Northeastern wasn't taking anyone on the waiting list for the Fall 2005 class. I really was disappointed. You did not know how depressed I felt. Even though I was hopeful and was strong enough that "yes, I will apply again", I just felt so scared. At the same time, I really hated work. I felt like shit having co-workers dog me big time. But I decided to just focus and plow on. I was so grateful for all the support from friends, though their calls, e-mails and even going out. I made it a point to really take care of myself, focusing on things I love to do. I even enjoyed my second Friday off for the second week in a row, this time, Alan and I went to eat at Tu Lan and watched a play at Bindlestiff Studios, "Anak Ti Diablo". I thoroughly enjoyed myself that night. A nice run and a leisurely breakfast marked Saturday morning. I was a tad rushed going from Ocean Beach to the Farmer's Market but I got what I needed- a box of peaches from Fitzgerald's peach stand where I made a real tasty peach pie. I also got some black beans from Rancho Gordo which has fabulous corn tortillas freshly made.

Like that fear I felt when I tried on the suits, I feel that fear in my life right now regarding work and other things. However, I have been doing a lot of praying. And somehow, it seems like things are slowly working out. I have come to see that maybe staying one extra year does not hurt at all. I would get to do a whole year of readings as a lector at Most Holy Redeemer (I start this July), a whole year of pro-choice activism at Planned Parenthood, a whole year to clean up my finances, a whole year to target schools and scholarships, even a whole year to do something I like to do. I found out that ALC has an opening for a recruitment manager/ cycle buddy. Hmmmm...

I am actually open to that because well, right now, I still want to be involved with the ride but I'm not sure if riding again would suffice it or even being a roadie. I am excited about the possibility. I even found some things at corporate that might pan out as well. I feel like really the universe is calling out and even supporting me.

Wow.

But I will admit that deep down inside, there still is something that tugs my heart towards Joe. Even though I could date someone else, Joe still is a big part of me. I didn't realize it until Kishi and I worked out the dream I had a few weeks ago. We came to the conclusion that the dream was about him and not about him at the same time. Even though there is part of me that is strong enough to move on, I close my eyes and wish for the man I first met that September day long ago. At times, I wonder does he even think about me. Have I just become a figment of his imagination, only a memory? Can I hold on once more?

Relax, Don't Do It

Ever since I had a bad bout with staph, I have learned to take things a little easier now. I actually take the time to slow down and just take things one bit at a time. I've also learned not to sweat over the small stuff and really prioritize myself first. I tend to listen to my body a lot better these days.

I'm done with my take home Tagalog final. The hardest part of it was the extra credit free for all essay. I decided to do a simple talk about AIDS. It was rather difficult to come up with the sentence contructions I needed. Even finding certain words was difficult. It goes to show that even in a language, certain things like sex and intercourse are not easy to find in a dictionary. I was trying to find ways to say "don't have unsafe sex" in Tagalog.

I'm actually beginning to enjoy my non-training for marathon/ LifeCycle schedule. I actually get to spend some time and energy doing things that I haven't done like bake and cook and not stress on finding time to do the things I needed to do and balancing training. Of course I will try to do good for my half marathon but I'm not going to stress out about time and performance. I will push myself to do my best but not really stress out about it.

Next weekend I'm going to try to make a peach pie. Fitz from Fitzgerald Fruits where I buy my peaches and nectarines from gave me some great pie tips. I think I will also try fresh strawberry pie and maybe another cherry pie. Come to think about it, blueberry pie will be soon as well.

Sinagang

Today happened to be a day where I felt like eating home cooked meals. This afternoon I just ate leftover tuna casserole. After a whole day of dealing with stuff with my bank, looking up stuff regarding school boards, talking with someone about being wait listed at Northeastern University School of Law, chatting with former co-workers at Banana Republic and AIDS/ LifeCycle pals at the laundrymat while doing laundry. Towards the end of doing laundry, part of me wanted to buy food, to even get my monthly cheeseburger. But I knew I that being broke, I needed to make food. Plus I got some stuff to make singang, a wonderful hot and sour soup with fish and vegetables. I originally was going to make it for Ma when she was in town but she said I did not need to.

So I managed to get my laundry during this grey and dreary and drizzly evening. I decided to just fold it at home and make dinner. So for a good half hour, I'm dicing tomatoes, chopping onions, preparing the fish (grilled trout that Pop grilled and Ma brought for me), and cutting up green beans- all veggies from the Farmer's Market. I squeeze in some lemon juice with some water (lemons also from the Farmer's Market) and bring to a boil. I cook the vegetables for a good 15 minutes. Then add the fish and cook for a few more minutes. Soon the apartment has this aroma of veggies and fish. The final touch was some fresh spinach leaves (again from the Farmer's Market) and a touch of patis (fish sauce). Now there was a meal that really soothed my stomach and soul. Dessert was strawberries and langka (jackfruit) all from the Farmer's Market.

A good end to a rather hetic and busy day.

Pictures of You

Appropriate how I use a song by The Cure for this entry. Ma handed me the album of photos she took during our jaunt to the Philippines. As I rode BART from Auntie Flor's place in Walnut Creek to the City after dropping Ma off, I thumbed through the photos, carefully, throughly. Not only was I looking for what images I want to have for myself but looking at the photos of mostly my cousins and relatives.

I look at the photos of myself and my cousins. The ones on both sides of the family. Some photos, I wonder how we can be related (because some cousins are really cute...too bad they're blood). I try to see any similarities in physical features between each of them and myself. Some make me wonder how are we related in the first place.

I also look at my nieces and nephews. Now what genes are passed down to them? I know that with myself and their parents, we share a common grandparent.

Now I look at the photos with me and my brother. At times, I wonder if he's carrying twins and nursing them too (seeing that he's a little on the flabby side). Now compare that to my cousins Paul and Alain looking cutsie and gym bodied (well what do you expect since Paul's the trainer and Alain can plunk down the change to go to a gym). Then there's Oogs who I can sum up to being the big man pimp daddy (since he's sooo into hip hop).

In the oddest way, all the pinsans never expected someone who had her whole life in the States to look somewhat jocky and to some even tomboyish (but most thought the haircut I got in PI was very fitting) and to stumble through simple sentences in Tagalog (at least try) and be the Ilokano karoke pop star queen.

A whole lot more later.

A Wierd Dream

I had this dream as I was taking a cat nap this afternoon. Anyone want to take a crack at figuring it out?

I'm at the airport. I meet Ma and Pop and Ed there, fresh from a flight from Southern Cali. We walk together and meet up with Joe who is carrying this rather large and bulky package. It was the shape of a rather large piece of canvas that has a painting on it or something like that. The four of us are supposed to drive somewhere else for a long trip. I don't remember the trip but it had to do with a relative that was having some trouble. Pop insisted that Joe and I go in the same car and have us follow him. I didn't argue and just went along. As we were walking out of the airport, Joe puts his arm around my shoulders and asks, "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine." I reply and lean into him. He holds me tight as we walk out.

Now the funny thing is that Joe looks a little younger than I remember him. Somewhat like his days when he was at Cal or in high school, that youngish, boyish look. However, with me, I look like what I do now, skinnier with a shorter haircut, nothing like what Joe remembered me a couple years back.

This dream is a little wierd because this has been the first dream in such a long time where I am with Joe and vividly remember being with him. Any ideas?

Tumble, Bumble, Stumble, Fall...And Get Back Up Again

Well, I can now say that I am fully recovered from my staph infection. Yet it made me come to terms with certain decisions that I had to make. Like having to step down from AIDS/ LifeCycle. Like probably not running a full marathon this year. Yet, I know that there are certain things that are in need of my attention such as law school and financial matters...things that demand constant attention.

I am slowly getting back into running again. I did my usual 3 mile loop this evening after I got off of work and I felt a bit better. I have been eating sporatically so I'm trying to get back into a balanced diet. I'm not sure if real good ice cream and homemade cookies count as a good diet. Well, one is allowed to indulge right?

It was good to have my friend Pak come here to visit for a few days. She is staying for a few months in the States as she awaits for results for getting into business school in Holland. She was my ALC 1 little sister (a wonderful young Chinese woman who grew up in Holland) and we shared a lot of good laughs and a lot of sleep because both of us have been so tired. I know that I had with a lot of things happening.

I ran into a former co-worker at the Starbucks on 18th and Castro during my run. Luckily I wasn't timing myself for this first forage back into running. We chatted as he was waiting for a friend and he is waiting to hear from two jobs that he interviewed for, two jobs that will put him back into what he has been doing for years until he got laid off and had to do a stint in retail. He told me how things were going at my old place of work and I told him about my frustrations with work and waiting for law schools. He told me about another former co-worker and friend who is no longer at the store. Unfortunately, he went in the most horrible way. He was arrested at the store. The details are very sketchy on this but my heart literally broke upon hearing the news. After my former co-worker met up with his friend, I said my goodbyes and off I ran and prayed for my friend. I prayed that my co-worker I ran into will get an offer on his job and prayed for my friend who must be facing such a horrible time. I know that it is also his birthday too around this time. I just pray for him and his family.

The hardest thing I had to do regarding the things thus far has to have been executing the decison of not doing LifeCycle. However, I felt that a big weight has been lifted on my shoulders.

Now time for me to go to bed. I really need to get some food and pay some bills. We'll see if I can cram another run as well.