Balance

Balance comes in a form where you put your personal life and professional life and whatever other lives you have all in equal portions. It was great for me today to ride with Shelly and go out to dinner and see a movie with Jenn. I had the best time watching "Mr and Mrs Smith". I wanted to see what all they hype was about between Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie. I really like Angela Joile as an actress. She has beauty but in a way where if you're not careful, she can kick your ass. I love her in that kind of strong role. The trailers showed some movies I wanted to see or made a note seeing such as "In Her Shoes" is something that I would take for another flick with me and Ma and "The Fantastic 4" just to see something cool and comic booklike.

I'm actually feeling better about looking jobwise. At times I am scared and I wonder how things will be. But as I was waiting for the bus today on my way to the Kabuki 8 theatres where Jen and I were going to go to, all I need to do is just trust that things are going to be OK, finding that calm before the storm. Now some people might say that using a religion might be just denying all the bad stuff happening but it gives me a sense of peace. Sometimes there are days where you just have to rely on a higher power to get you through.

Tommorrow's brunch with Cin should be fun. We're going to be at the Ferry Building, hanging out. Me with my basket of veggies and fruits. Lots and lots of fun. Then work. :p

Growth

For awhile, I thought that I wasn't undergoing growth. In fact, I thought I was retrogressing. Yet, there is a part of me that is trying to get out of this funk. A funk that would hold me back and not let me fly. A funk that would say that I deserve to be in a place where I am miserable and unhappy. Many a times when I do get in that funk, I would try to find something to counteract that, mostly in physical activities. However, because this year has exposed me to different things and different challenges. Mostly with me wanting to challenge myself in going in a different direction career wise, really buckling down on my political self and my dreams of law school, and really taking a big investment in my Filipino and Catholic selves. I honestly think that the year off and not going into law school is a chance for me to go for that growth.

In growth comes pain. One pain that I experienced today is that I got my card back in the mail that I sent out to Joe, inviting him to coffee. It was sent back by the post office, saying that it was returned to sender, forwarding order expired. I really did cry. It was a sign that this chapter in my life has to close. There really is nothing I can do. It hurts so much that I have tried so hard and in the end, I come up short. Am I ready to date once again? I really am not sure and I don't know. There is so much that I need to take care of right now. I don't think I'm ready for it just yet.

Today was one of my last few sessions with Kishi before she goes on maternity leave. She told me about my new therapist, Caroline who happens to be a second generation Korean American. I'm glad to hear that. Maybe she can help me navigate through these strong feelings on dating outside my race and my fear of trying to embrace certain things in my life.

But I did make some progress in terms of looking at positions and even working on my resume and sending it out. I mean it's not as fearful as law school applications but I know that this time around, I do have some experience and some back-up and some strength.

Funny thing right now is that I am thinking about mga insan (my cousins) over in the motherland. I wonder how they are doing, what they are up to. I wonder how they would adjust if each of them were to come over to the States. I can see me and Alain and Mayumi and Abby going over to Manhattan and seeing the sights and taking in city life. I can see Kuya Ferdie and I riding bikes, me showing him the fine points of road cycling while both of us tackle mountain biking either in the East Bay or Mt. Tam. I would most likely take my darling nephews Archie and Oching and maybe Jehu to a baseball game or Magic Mountain. Oogs and I would go to Crossroads and Buffalo Exchange to get some good deals on clothes, even though proably Oogs would want me to get him stuff at Gap and Disel. But I had some funny odd dream that Alain and Mayumi and Abby found me in Manhattan and asked me to help them track down Paul who happened to run off with some blonde bombshell and is living in Manhattan with her. I don't know why but somehow I see Paul dating some FHM or Maxium cover girl...and I mean the American version, blond hair, blue eyes and silicone tits and all. Boots and Jeng and I would hang out, the three gals with Jam Square in tow. I would so teach her to run and jump and play. I know that she has the jock genes that we three have inside us. Who knows, maybe I can get Jeng and Boots to run marathons with me. Just a thought.

But Jeanne told me that growth doesn't mean you have to actively do something all the time. Sometimes growth comes in standing still and looking at what has occurred since a point in time- a month, six months, a year, two years.

The card sent back to me is now hidden away. I know that I have to move on but it still hurts oh so much.

Human

I realized something tonight as I was writing e-mails to friends and catching up. Yes, I am human. I am born to make mistakes. Funny that I just quoted something from The Human League.

Tony put a link to this blog on his blog. I was a little skittish that he would do that. And at times, I feel a little horrified on what I wrote on my ALC 1 blog and put out my feelings about Ma and Paul to the world to read and assess. But it's part of my humanity, my style, to put out my feelings on a blog, either online or on paper. He assured me that he still loves me as a person despite my mistakes and faults. Mga insan ko, my cousins in the motherland I love so much and value, loved and accepted me despite my faults. I guess I can learn something from them.

I just listened to a piece from one of my regular NPR radio shows I listen to, The California Report, about how Latino men relate to Morrisey. Now I'm listening to one of my Morrisey CDs that I got when I was in high school. The interview with the person of a film about the British singer and former frontman for The Smiths said that Latino men relate to Morrisey because they can see the emotions he is conveying in his songs and they as Latino men, are culturally not able to express their raw emotions of sadness and hurt and pain. That they must suck it up and be manly, kind of like Filipino men.

Kind of like the day that I last saw Joe. Although he had his arms crossed across his chest and had a hard icy stare, somehow I can see that there is a part of him very hurt and wanting things to be better but had to keep his feelings and emotions in check. I know there was a part of him that wanted to put his arms around me and embrace in that foggy July evening, a few days after Lolo Silecio's funeral. But he kept his distance because it was me that broke his heart, that hurt him.

These days, I don't let that get to me that much. But it still gnaws at me. That is when I want to get away, when I want to hop on my bike and ride it as far as I can, where I want to lace up the shoes and let my footsteps take me to a level where no one can bring me down.

Yet lately, I have had no energy left after work to even go out and run and cycle. Most of my time is spent baking and cooking. I worry about gaining weight but at times, I don't feel like eating. I worry about a lot of things- finances, work, law school, my own self worth.

At times I wish that all these feelings and doubts would go away. Like I wrote in my journal one time during one of the most painful times I faced in the Philippines, there was a part of me that was so hard on myself where I wanted to rip out all the DNA of my Filipinoness out of me. At that time, I wished I wasn't so put against all these restrictive standards put against me. Wondering if I had a boyfriend. Got the quizzical looks of me riding my bike over many miles and running many miles as well. I wondered why my brother got the better lot. Was it best that I stayed at home, worked the typical nine to five at where my parents toiled, had the foundation of family. However, I know that there was that part of me that wanted to do things, to break away, to find freedom. To take on bold causes that would make most people frown. To break away from a repressive area, my smog filled suburban tracked Inland Empire roots to come into the bask of the city of Saint Francis. To get on my bike and really ride. All those times Pop brought my Murray ten speed Phoenix bike to Yucaipa regional park or the park close to my old junior high where I could do laps around the park. The time when Pop would not let me run the 880 at the San Bernardino Dioscean track meet when I was in 8th grade but ran it anyway. Pop didn't stop me but he was proud of me when I crossed the line. Even though I was last, in that moment, he never doubted me nor held me back.

The freedom I wanted comes at a price. At times, I do wish I had the support of my own family. But what I learned in my years of being on my own and growing up, family is what you make of it. But deep down inside, I still want that person to fully support me. I know at times Pop and Ma have difficulty understanding what I want to do and embrace. It's almost as difficult as me trying to speak Tagalog.

But my friend Kevin says it best. It's me, taking things from growing up Filipino, growing up Catholic, growing up American, growing up in the suburbs of California and what I have been exposed in my adult life in my years in the cities of Sacramento, Washington, DC, the East Bay and San Francisco.

I do want someone to love me for who I am and not compromise what I strongly believe in. I want to have children where I can teach them the strength and beauty of my people both here in the States and back in the Philippines. I don't want to be with anyone that will make me give that up. One that would support my efforts and not hold me back. One that is OK with eating meals from the can and the freezer once in a while since I will be busy with whatever cause I will focus on. At the same time, I would want to teach my kids to cycle correctly which is using the bike path wearing a helment, take them to Farmer's Markets to show them the different fruits and veggies in season, to teach them Tagalog so they won't forget their mother tongue and have an appreciation for that languge, to expose them to different people in different ethnicities and classes, to show them the value of hard work and not to spoil them rotten.

I might have expressed this in earlier entries but there was one person in the guys I have dated so far that my dreams of having a family came very crystal clear. And honestly it scared me. I wondered if I deserved this wonderful man in my life and if I could really have that with him. Now that he's gone, all I can do is just dream.

Sana magkikita kayo muli pa. Mahal kita tuwing araw.

Lately I have been feeling the ugliness and dullness of work. I'm actually looking forward to days off and counting the minutes and hours until I go home. Now is that bad or what?

Tonight there was a little function at Most Holy Redeemer for all the folks involved in the different church ministries. I'm starting my stint as a lector doing the readings for Masses next month. I'm pretty excited about it. I came in when Father Tom was doing his talk about service and being service to others. It was nice to mingle around. It seems like for the first time, I feel a lot more comfortable going to Mass than I ever did before. I guess you can say I found home.

My thoughts still reverberate towards Joe. I have yet to hear if he will join me for coffee in a few weeks. I wonder if I made a big risk, a big mistake. So far, no return to sender yet. There is that part of me preparing myself to just think that I will just have a cup of joe (no pun intended) by myself. I do like the solitude but there is part of me that is still very connected. I wonder if it is because he is someone I found this connection, this home with, one that understood every part of you and knew or had a good idea of what you went through- your Catholic upbrining, growing up Filipino in the midst of white America. How can you feel so connected yet at the same time, so conflicted that you two cannot be joined. Why does it hurt so much?

Can someone care for you despite what you have done?

I got a chance to talk to Jeanne tonight. She sounded great despite the fact that she was coming down with a cold. She did indeed finish every f*%!ing inch of the ride this year and I'm really proud of her. She did fall on Day 1 but not too seriously. Russ also finished with her too but he did get a bad case of blistered bootie and by day 7 it was blistered and bleeding bootie.

Jeanne was appreciative about all the messages I left on her cell phone and the ones I e-mailed. I guess those little things do mean quite a bit. I'm glad that I did my part for ALC 4 this year.

I ran into Kelly and Claire outside of work today. They were on their way to a reception for AIDS Walk San Francisco and Claire showed me the new ALC bracelets. Blue ones that say AIDS/ LIFECYCLE 5 and RIDE TO END AIDS on them.Very purrrrtieeee.

Let's see how I end up wearing that blue band and in what capacity.

Sometimes I wonder with the amount of weight and tears that I feel, I'm surpised that I haven't drowned my own self in them.

I swear I feel so stripped, so alone, so much pain and anger and hurt. I tried expressing this to Ma only to get lots of shoulds and the usual lack of support that I got. I really thought things progressed when we went to the Philippines. Oh was I wrong.

Today's homily that Father Savage gave just struck a chord. To take that risk in our relationships and our faith in God. At times, especially now, I feel like my faith is so challenged. I mean I feel like I'm now faced with every possible headwind and crosswind, now within me. I just wish I could get rid of these demons. I never felt so worn out, so helpless.

Somehow, God has led me to certain rocks and foundations in my life. In all these experiences, sometimes family is what you make of it. I do have my extended family and sometimes my immdediate family can come through. But honestly, it has been my network of friends from all my walks of life that have given me such support. Mike and Monica are great examples of this.

I affectionately call them my mom and dad. Today, I really needed someone I could open up to and they happened to be there for me. I even touched on my points and angst with Joe. And in the end, both of them proposed something that was risky for me- to ask Joe just to get together for coffee.

Now that really made me gulp.

I was not ready for this part. I thought it was best for me to go on. But I think both of us can see how much I really do care for him and maybe he does care for me. I feel like he doesn't. Shit I feel like nobody does. I mean I felt so let down by so many people and so many things.

I so hate my life now.

Lately I have had more than my share of tears and frustrations. At times I feel so small, smaller than my own 4'11" frame.

I felt a little better after talking to my manager about the drama happening at work. Now I just have to find the courage to get myself to write down all the stuff that has been happening but ever since I found out how petty one person can be, I really don't feel like going into work. I also talked to the HR manager about my plans of looking elsewhere, she has piqued my interest with some stuff where I can still stay within the company. But right now, I really don't feel like staying in the corporate environment. I really want to impact people in their lives in terms of doing community stuff. I really miss the intellectual stimulation that I get in working in political activism. I really don't want to change people's lives in the sense of working to make someone's profits bigger and to perpetuate some ugly middle class illusion of consumption.

I got that taste today when I went for Lobby Day sponsored by the California Coalition for Reproductive Rights. Something that I haven't been able to participate because well, I'm out there riding. And Nora from Planned Parenthood was surprised to see me there. But I was totally glad to be among pro-choice activists and I even got to see a friend from my March For Women's Lives organizing days. I just wished I was going into law school and starting this part of my life. The intellectual, NPR, New York Times reading part of my life. I was so energized and alive just engaging in political and public affairs. Just getting myself jazzed. It's like this buzz I get from running or cycling or doing AIDS activism. How I want to do that again. I really do want to.

But so many things are making me feel so small. The fact that I'm not going to law school this fall, not doing AIDS/ LifeCycle, being in this job that I have no passion for, even with the most engaging project. I feel like I have lost a lot of steam and I feel so fucking broke and fucking small. Why didn't I get this part of my life in order. Even when we were driving back to the City from Sacto, I caught sight of the Carillion that marked the Cal campus and the waves of memories of remembering Joe just came back. I can't believe that even though we are no longer are part of our lives, there is a part of me where he still lives and breathes in my heart.

I so seriously want to cry. However, I feel better from writing in this space. I feel better from talking to friends. From reading stuff from my friend Tony's journal. From taking the time to run and eat healthy meals. I know that having all that caffine from Diet Pepsi (no Diet Coke) and coffee just make me more ugly and jittery.

Where is my motivation to just keep going? Found out that the position that Jenn told me about is part time and won't be available until later. Can I hold out? Am I good enough to move forward. Shit.

I think now I should go for a bath. A nice long soak.

Take Care of You

This weekend was rather exhausting and emotional. I poured a lot of energy into working both Orientation Day and Opening Ceremonies for AIDS/ LifeCycle 4. I got to see friends, got filmed by Logo's documentary on the ride, and just worked my ass off. Once my friends rode off for a seven day life changing adventure, I cried buckets of tears, wishing I was coming along. I knew I had to take care of things at home and I really wanted to ride to run away from all the pettiness and ugliness happening at work. I wanted to go to Mass but once I got home, I just ate the leftover pasta from Buca di Bepo and crashed.

I thought about one of my friends, Jenn, someone I met organizing last year's March for Women's Lives and funny enough, she calls. She is in town this summer for an internship with Law Students for Choice. We managed to chat and she mentioned an possible employment opportunity with her organization. I felt like things were falling into place. I just finished my resume and cover letter for the AIDS/ LifeCycle position. I just feel very blessed and supported. I'm really excited about Lobby Day this Tuesday. Jenn is going too as well. Get to show off my pro-choice power shirt.

I swear I had the most fun at Buca di Bepo last night. Shelly arranged a carbo load party and it was a fun time. I sat with people I didn't know and just chatted away. I found out that one of Shelly's regular cyclists, Jon, lives close to me. We took the bus home and chatted away. ALC 4 is his first time and he is really excited about it. I so wish I could be there with the newbies and my friends. But it was Duane, good old Mojo Man (who did not ride this year), who reminded me that I was making an impact on the cyclists that left this morning, making sure that they left San Francisco safely. One of my riders also reminded me that I did my best to prepare them for this journey. One of my highlights of training season was getting 25 newbies over White's Hill for the very first time in their lives. They were all scared and feared what was coming ahead. Yet They conquered their fear and carried that courage to Day on The Ride the Following week.

It took a number of good friends to remind me of how much I have given so far and how much I have accomplished. I have to admit at times, there are parts of me that wished certain things would occur but I am really thankful for what is in my life right now, despite the challenges.

Now my challenge this week is to be good to myself and take care of me.

Take Care of You

This weekend was rather exhausting and emotional. I poured a lot of energy into working both Orientation Day and Opening Ceremonies for AIDS/ LifeCycle 4. I got to see friends, got filmed by Logo's documentary on the ride, and just worked my ass off. Once my friends rode off for a seven day life changing adventure, I cried buckets of tears, wishing I was coming along. I knew I had to take care of things at home and I really wanted to ride to run away from all the pettiness and ugliness happening at work. I wanted to go to Mass but once I got home, I just ate the leftover pasta from Buca di Bepo and crashed.

I thought about one of my friends, Jenn, someone I met organizing last year's March for Women's Lives and funny enough, she calls. She is in town this summer for an internship with Law Students for Choice. We managed to chat and she mentioned an possible employment opportunity with her organization. I felt like things were falling into place. I just finished my resume and cover letter for the AIDS/ LifeCycle position. I just feel very blessed and supported. I'm really excited about Lobby Day this Tuesday. Jenn is going too as well. Get to show off my pro-choice power shirt.

I swear I had the most fun at Buca di Bepo last night. Shelly arranged a carbo load party and it was a fun time. I sat with people I didn't know and just chatted away. I found out that one of Shelly's regular cyclists, Jon, lives close to me. We took the bus home and chatted away. ALC 4 is his first time and he is really excited about it. I so wish I could be there with the newbies and my friends. But it was Duane, good old Mojo Man (who did not ride this year), who reminded me that I was making an impact on the cyclists that left this morning, making sure that they left San Francisco safely. One of my riders also reminded me that I did my best to prepare them for this journey. One of my highlights of training season was getting 25 newbies over White's Hill for the very first time in their lives. They were all scared and feared with trepidation as we left Fairfax Coffee Roasters and started the climb up the hill. They all left with a new found confidence that they took with them into the following week which happened to be Day on The Ride. Another highlight was making really good lemon bars for Manang Julie's last Tib Loop training ride a few weeks ago.

Now my friends are knocked out, ready to get up again from their tents to face another day of cycling, headwinds and produce fields galore. For some, this will be their first century. I wish them very little headwinds and plenty of tailwinds, lots of food and drink, and wonderful memories to soak in.

As for me, my challenge this week is to take care of me. To be good to me. I remembered a wonderful card Ma sent me for Thanksgiving last year and it happened to come at a real great time. I was really sad because it was a year since Joe and I spent Thanksgiving together. Now I value the support of my friends and family more than ever.

Direction

I'm a rather spiritual person, especially since my trip from the Philippines a few months back. I was raised Catholic and I still go to Mass and celebrate even though there are some beefs I have about the Catholic church doctrine and dogma.

Lately I have been praying to God for direction and guidance, especially in light of the law school news. I know that I need to move on to another job but part of me was wondering what should I go into and when should I do this. What I ended up was finding out some rather disturbing news regarding one of my co-workers and what their thoughts were about regarding me.

I really was disgusted and sickened by this. I ended up just taking a day off and really just taking care of myself, not to mention take care of some ALC things too. It was great and lots of energy just getting us all jazzed up for ALC and ready for Orientation Day and Ride Out. I was just especially sad that I am not able to participate at all this year, not as a cyclist or a roadie. But I am fully engrossed and embracing my role as volunteer captain for orientation day and ride out. I would give anyone to trade places to go on the ride. Yet, I need to make sure some obligations and things are straightened out.

In light of this news, I ended up spending some time with one of my good friends Kevin last night. We walked around the Castro and had some drinks at Cafe Flore where we talked for a good long time catching up and sharing plans. I so love him as a friend because he is very goal oriented and focused on working towards his dream of fashion and design, just like I am very goal oriented and passionate about politics and HIV activism. He is someone I truly value in my life, like all of my friends.

We will see which way the wind blows and where my life heads now. Wish me luck.