Sunrise, Sunset

I am now two weeks into my new place. It's actually a little further out in the Richmond and close by Sea Cliff, Golden Gate Park and the Presidio. It actually worked out pretty nicely for me to get to work, SFRRC runs and coming home from Wednesday night Tagalog class. The roomies are pretty chill and mellow. We are all busy but manage to get together for an occasional drink or episode of "Sex and the City".

When I moved in, I made some strides and some changes: looking for another position (legally related), going to a workshop sponsored by my church and assessing some things in my life, exercising more (more cycling and more running and finally enough floor space in my room to do stretches), and starting a new diet where I am eating a lot more healthier. It's a scary change yes, but all in all, it is for the better.

In all these changes, I am pondering to close down this blog and say goodbye to all. The journal started after I broke up with Joe and went through the rough and tumbles of me going through the law school application process, coming back from AIDS/ LifeCycle 2 and the New York City Marathon (two of my worst events in my life), and many other twists and turns. This blog has marked time in my place in the Mission. I figured this would be best to mark the end of it.

I will keep you posted on where this journal will go. It's now one of my favorite seasons of the year coming up, Fall, where crisp Autumn leaves change color and fall off the trees (OK no vibrant color out here in this neck of the woods), wool and boots come out, school starts, apples and pumpkins come into view.

So I will leave it at that.

In My Life...The End of an Era

In a week or so, I am vacating my apartment in the Mission to another place in the City. A room in a three bedroom apartment in the Inner Richmond. I have been in this place for the longest time, around 2 and a half years. The drama from the situation back in July just made it not possible for all of us to reside anymore so my sojurn comes to an end.

I slowly pack up the boxes and sort through many things. I come across many business cards from contacts I don't keep in contact with, old holiday greetings, photos, route maps with the ink running because I tucked them under my bike shorts. I'm cleaning off the dust of my first bike, my commuter bike which will go to someone else because I don't have the space for it at my new place.

I mourn leaving this place because of some great memories. This is the space where I had my moments with Joe and great memories when Patty and Alex were here. This was where the gals got together and celebrated my 31st birthday with gumbo and cake. It was a space where I was so close to the Castro. Even that part of my life is coming to an end.

However, this was the space where I was when I strated my stint in retail, starting with Banana Republic and moving onto Gap. This was the space where I had to learn my hardest lessons- not cashing in your 401k and eating the major taxes from it. This was the space I came home to from my sojurn in the Philippines. This as the space that shared love and pain with Joe.

As I slowly sort through things, I wonder the things that I come across from peple I once knew, worked with, dated, etc. I wonder how they are? Are they swimmingly going through life in some happily every after while I deal with the uncertaintly of things to come. At times I feel that everyone feels that way and love and happiness has sometimes eluded me.

But now comes the time of where you do move on to make new beginnings. I look forward to all that is coming in my new place and my new neighborhood.

Running Mojo

So after not going to Saturday SFRRC runs and actually spending them at the Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market, I'm ready to go back into running thanks to running the San Francisco Half Marathon today with Alain.

Alain came in from NYC to run the full marathon. I ran the first half. Although I orginally signed up for the full marathon, I ended up running the first half because of all the things going on in my life. Alain came for me at the crack of dawn and we drove over to the Ferry Building. To keep ourselves occupied, we had this game of 50 people we would like to f#*k. The first one who would come up at 50, loser would have to buy a margarita at El Rio where we were to head out to in the afternoon and meet up with ALC friends. For the first few miles, I managed to be ahead of Alain. When we came up to bridge, it was neck and neck. Before we hit the South Tower, I got 50 first! Loved that margarita at El Rio!!!

We had our motivating factors to keep us going. The last set of hills the last mile of the first half over on 25th Avenue towards Golden Gate Park was pretty ugly. One hill after another. And I was wearing a pair of dead running shoes because the shoes I bought to replace them are not the right stability. Details, details I know. So I sprinted the last bit when they separated the full marathoners from the half marathoners from full marathoners. Good thing that I packed my MUNI fast pass because the charter bus to bring folks back was crowded and the lines were too long. So I went home and showered and changed clothes. I ended up heading back to the Ferry Building to meet Alain who slowly limped in a little after 11am. We walked around and got some free samples from my usual nut and dried fruit vendor Marie over at the Farmer's Market. Then we headed on back to my place where Alain slept, showered, iced and I made some turkey chilli for the week. I fetched Alain a carnitas burrito over at El Toro while he rested. Then after that, I napped and we went off to El Rio for an afternoon of margaritas, salsa, and fun.

I have never been at El Rio on a Sunday afternoon. It's a bar with a big patio space and a live salas band playing music. If you get there early enough, there is free BBQ. I managed to get a helping of ribs, potato and green salad, and some grilled green beans. Alain bought me my margarita and I saw Ian there so we sat and watched the folks mill around. It was a good mixed crowd of gay and straight, all ages and ethnicities. Robert came by later on and bought me a margarita (he offered). Ian and I chatted about ALC stuff and I told him that I was going to roadie. I didn't disclose to him my other plans which I will segway to...

***

Cycle Buddy

So Cadby gives me a jingle on Friday. He got my resume and wants to talk to me about it. Funny is that also I have to send in my resume for Planned Parenthood and Liz wants to review my application for the regional assistant position over at the Banan Republic Regional Office back at my old store. I also get to talk to Pat tommorrow for some legal stuff.

Funny how energy begets energy.

***

House Hunting

Begins officially tommorrow. I'm actually going to an open house tommorrow night. It should be fine. I'll send in my official notice to Kevin tommorrow. I was cleaning up house today and I have a lot of stuff to give away.

At times you wonder about certain periods of your life. You wonder if things were different if I just played it safe, just did things linear. Sometimes I ponder would life been easier if I just went straight to med school after undergrad or not to move to Washington, DC after college. However, I don't think I would have done it any other way. Somehow I knew that after going to college in a suburban Southern California area, I had to come to the big city. Matter of fact, I was actually looking at different agencies and opportunites for me to do HIV and AIDS work in San Francisco and exploring that area by taking a plane ticket and a one day trip up there. It was a risk but it was something I was willing to take.

Some people wonder why is it that a 30 something year old woman like me is not married. Or even paired up. For me, I have a lot of other things to think about. Some may think it's selfish for me to think of future plans and career for myself when I should have had that down pat a few years ago. Sometimes, you just don't come up what you want to be when you grow up right away. Sometimes it takes a few years, a few cities and a few hard knocks. Plus there is a part of me that wants to be with someone I can really put a lot of time and energy into. Someone I truly love and adore and want to be with. And those who know me, I am really picky on who I want to be with. I wonder if my standards are too strict but I shouldn't settle for less. I shouldn't get married just for the sake of getting married, right. I do want to be with someone who can accept me the way I am, won't compromise my dreams for myself and my future and someone I love and cherish. Is that too much to really ask?

And now here I come at this turn in the road. It's like when you get to the top of some horrendous hill and you're able to look at what you climbed. You see the fog that you had to maneuver through and even see the curves and the climb and elevation that tested every last gear and every last muscle. You look at the road ahead and there might be a drop or there might be yet another climb but somehow within you, you know you have the strength to get to the next level. And you know you are so ready for that. Yes you are scared but you know that it really is time to make that break.

And that my friends is where I find myself in this stage of my life right now.

Remember about that meeting I would have on Thursday about an e-commerce opportunity? It ended up being one of those things where you get people to get to tell their friends about something. The usual pyramid scheme. I came out of that meeting feeling pretty rotten. I mean if it was a business meeting and opportunity, you would offer to buy the drink and shake on it and leave behind some info on the company or product. This person did not provide that and after talking to a few people, I'm deciding not to continue with this. But it did prompt me to write up my resume and send it to Pat over at Pathways Personnel to get things going with the legal stuff.

In terms of the guy thing, I did chat with someone online. He wanted a fuck buddy but once he saw my photo, he backed out. He thought I looked scary with the teeth. I mean the photo that I did send him happened to be before my permanent bridge was installed. And he thought I fit his scheme of a typical Pinay- a certain look, dyed hair. I like my short hair with no fuss and just playing on natural beauty. I guess it was for the best.

Now comes the part of healing, regaining trust within the people you live with and even within yourself. I know that the last few months I have been wallowing in this pool of ugly self pitty and darkness. But today after just staying in bed all day, I woke up to find myself renewed, relieved of what has happened this week, feeling strengthened. Ended up cleang out my pantry shelf and my space in the fridge. Made lavender bathwater. Walked over to the local bookstore to read and just take a stroll around the Castro. Flipped through my latest issue of Self and there was an article on why women cheat.

It made me think of why I cheated on Joe almost two years ago. At that time, I felt like I did not deserve such a man like Joe. I felt that he would find some flaw and would leave. Part of me wanted him to tell me and to remind me how much he loved me. He didn't have to say it every day but I wanted him to do so. His actions spoke a lot louder than words. However, I was deaf to those actions that spoke louder than words.

I have learned a very hard lesson in my relationship with Joe. I'm not sure if that mistake can ever be undone and can he forgive me enough to let me have another shot. I know we are all human and we must learn to fully embrace ourselves and our faults and failures. It takes time, but I know I can do it.

Perhaps this is the other side that my friend Jeanne has spoken about. Someone I see it and now I'm embracing it.

Crisis, Part 2

The last few days have been spent mostly dealing with the housing situation. The organization that I have been working with has been pretty great but very draining and exhausting on myself and all of us in this little space here. At times I feel like I'm reliving what I went through with Joe but at a much higher scale. I mean it's dealing with the place I dwell in for God's sakes!

It could have been a whole lot worse. At the place I have been going through, people are going through evictions and all kinds of stuff. And somehow, I find myself finding some inner strength that would force me to get up, be organized, get stuff together. Kind of like the inner strength I find when I run or cycle.

Because of finances and things, I decided that this year will not be a marathon or a cycling year. Maybe I'm just preparing myself or repairing myself from a lot of things that are going to change.

My friend Jeanne said that once you get through some crisis in my life, you will wonder and appreciate and even be in awe of how much you have gone through.

***

Change

Leading up to my next thought, I'm meeting with someone tommorrow regarding a business opportunity in e-commerce. I am not too familiar with e-commerce but the guy that is going to tell me about this opportunity got a chance to see my customer service skills and how I managed to handle something. I just want a different challenge and something from my stagnant environment. Bottom line is, I want more money.

***

Political Rants

So President Bush puts out his Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts. I have yet to read more about the man. I'm not surprised that he fits the mold of what Bush wants- conservative, panders to both the Center and major right wings of the Republican Party. My major concern is what he will rule on in terms of abortion and any other reproductive rights issues. Is this why I am not entering law school as of yet...

So the suspects of the London bombing are young men, children of immigrants now in their 20s and 30s who decided to strap on a backpack full of explosives one rush hour morning, push a trigger and not only take their own lives but the lives of 52 other people, injure hundreds and place a feeling of fear and terror through millions.

I wonder what was going through their minds. Why did they decide to do this? Was it retaliation for years of ridicule and persecution, knowing that you are different from your peers because your parents are from another nation, another land, another world, another time. I mean I got my share of taunts and teasing and feelings of fear and isolation and wanting to be accepted. Sure I got my share of shit but that doesn't mean I'm going to fill my Timbuk2 messenger bag full of explosives and get on MUNI or BART and blow it up and take my life for it. Makes you wonder.

And it makes me angry that Bush once again uses the London bombing to say we must fight the war on terrer (I spell terror like he pronounces it). And still, the young boys and girls, many from the poor and disingranchised and people of color, are on the front lines, the numbers of death rising each day.

Support the troops...Please bring them home... (my spin on a yellow ribbon).

I usually don't politically rant and rave. I feel like if I do, I need some objective evidence and citings that would make a litigator proud. Let's just say that I am doing my best to get things through.

Crisis

One says that a crisis makes one stronger. If I could tell you what I have gone through in the last few days, I might as well be some sort of superhero.

In a nutshell, I came very close to being evicted. I have had a history of not paying my share of the rent due to some financial hardships to the point where well, I had a nice notice mailed to me that gave me only a few days to pay up or get out. You could not imagine the stress I faced and how difficult it was to break this news to my roommates. I have found some sort of solution at this point but it's not completely over. But I know there's a lot of trust broken in many parts and now it's that time to mend the bridge.

However, in this time of crisis, sometimes you find inner strength in ways that you would never know. For example, I was so ready to not go into 8am Mass and do my readings I would occasionally do. It seemed like God has taken my tired and stressed out body to make me get up, shower, and try not to find any way for me to get out of it. I was so glad to see my friend Robert give me a huge hug that I so needed. It also gave me the boost I needed to read. I mean reading in front of hundreds of people is nervewracking. But finding a familiar face to connect with makes all the difference.

Also, my co-workers found ways to get me through the tough day. A cookie from Kimiko. A shared laugh from Hannah. Paula just checking up on me. I remembered how on Saturday I was so extremely stressed and just not feeling too hot. I had to count Paula's till and she was in a hurry. I did the deed as quickly as I could but she stuck around. I asked her, "I thought you had somewhere to go?"

Paula replied, "I always make time for a friend." knowing about my situation. That made my day.

But today going in and taking steps. Yes, there were some things that weren't ideal and not much time for me to really get this done. It bought me time but not enough. I at least felt relieved enough to just get some things done. I couldn't get on BART around lunchtime because SFPD closed off one of the stations due to a suspicious package. I just ended up walking through Chinatown, reading over at City Lights Books in North Beach and taking the long way home. I just went to sleep. I needed the nap.

The past few days introduced me to someone that was instrumental in a lot of different ways. He showed me that my traits and my qualities and accomplishements are nothing to be ashamed about. He told me not to be so hard on myself. I saw how he can be very flexible on many different things and have shattered my preconcieved notions on a lot of things- being bi-racial (he is part Asian and part Caucasian), being a father of a young child, trying to find the dream that may have eluded him, etc. He also was there during such a critical time during this crisis- the time where I had no solution, where I had to break it to my roommates about what was going on, etc. However, we had to part ways this afternoon. It's just that certain things in life are very pressing and important, even though it might end up hurting someone. But I understand that what he has to do was for the sake of his child. All I can do is wish him the best in all things.

In all this mess and madness, I spent the evening with Shelly at the movies. It was a nice respite for both of us- her stress from working so much and my recent crisis and letdown. I had a great time and as I was taking the 49 Van Ness home, I looked out the window and saw the glow of the Beaux Art dome of City Hall and the fog crowned around it. As I got on the bus, I heard the driver have Jill Scott singing, "Is This The Way". Jill Scott is one of my favorite artists and I just sat in the front seat, listening to the song, basking in a wonderful night, the fact that God has given me another day, a bit of respite from the storm. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I feel alive. I feel confident. I know that things might not work but I know that deep down inside, I will be OK and there will be a resolution. I think about today: my appointment, the results of that appointment, stepping into Virgin Megastore and listening to the latest Black Eyed Peas CD and tapping my foot to the beat to several songs, especial Apl de Apl singing "Bebot" in his native Tagalog. Just the beat and his rhythmic words alone have made me empowered, much like certain pieces of music and songs, of imagining me as confident and brave. One piece of music that has stirred me is a song from the "Kill Bill, Volume Two" soundtrack. In a funny way and a funny quiz of which character from "Kill Bill" you would be, I ended up being "Black Mamba aka The Bride aka Beatrix Kidd", the one who is tough, deadly and not to be messed with but having a soft spot and being very protective of the people you love is very acurate of who I am as a person.

Just how one person, a complete stranger, can sometimes open up the things that you are so blind to see. Though that interaction may be very brief, they can give you the boost, the confidence you so need to get out in the world, to break a storm, barriers, chains.

I'm not sure how to thank this person. I think it is best that we parted ways when we did. I do wish him the best in his life, raising his child to be the best person they could be. This person has restored my faith in many things, in love, in life and mostly, in myself.

I don't think I need to tell him. I think he already knows.

Yes, that leaves me back to square one, a single straight Pinay living in San Francisco in a place she loves and a job she wants something better. Her dreams are back on track and the faith in herself that she thought she had lost during the last few months have been restored.

But it leaves me a bit stronger. Where I walk a lot taller.

Thank you.